punishment for child not doing homework

Consequences for Students Who Don’t Do Homework

Many parents wonder what are some consequences for students who don’t do homework.

It can be a challenge to get your students to do their homework especially if they don’t like the topic. When the situation occurs that they don’t want to start or complete their homework, it is time to implement consequences.

Before doing so, you need to first identify why they don’t want to complete it in the first place.

Find the Problem

Before handing down any consequences, you should first find out why they do not want to do their homework. There can be different reasons why and finding out the right one is important for fixing the situation.

1. Distraction

The first reason why they are not doing their homework would be because they are distracted.

Distraction is the worst thing you can experience when you are trying to get important things done. Whether it is a student in school or a worker at a job, it will take your attention away from what is important and make your mind wander around.

It is even worse if the person is dealing with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), a condition that both children and adults have that limits their focus when attempting to finish a task.

If you are noticing that your student is not able to focus while doing their homework, the best way to solve this problem would be to limit their distraction. This would be by either placing them in a room with the least distractions or by taking away anything they use that distraction like electronics.

2. They are Struggling

Another reason why they might not want to do or start their homework would be because they are struggling and might not know the material they are doing the homework on. This is a very common problem for students who don’t do their homework because not knowing how to do it will discourage them and they will be stuck.

This will lead them to not want to do it and will use any excuse not to finish.

What you need to do in this situation is bring in a tutor to help your child understand the material and be encouraged to finish it.

We at Beingagoodparent realize the struggle that many students face when it comes to understanding a topic in school so we partnered with Redemption Tutoring to help parents find affordable qualified tutors to help their children. By mentioning Beingagoodparen t, they will give you a 20% discount on all tutoring when you sign up.

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Limit Their Freedom

The first consequence you can implement for students who don’t do their homework would be to limit their freedom.

What I mean by that is limit what they want to do when trying to have fun. Whether it’s an 8-year-old from watching cartoons or a highschooler from going out with his friends, you need to find out what they love to do the most and limit their time of that.

When someone is restricted from doing what they love, they will do anything to try and regain their freedom of doing it and in this case, they will have to finish their homework before regaining the freedom to do what they love.

This works well for any age level and they will regret not finishing earlier because their time of fun will be cut out until they finish.

Take Away Electronics

A great consequence you can implement when your children don’t want to do their homework is to take away their electronics. Children nowadays are addicted to their electronics because it is their form of entertainment.

It is what they love to spend time on once they come back from school and it is most likely the reason they are distracted enough not to do their homework. If you take away their form of entertainment, they will have nothing else to do but to finish the assignments they have due.

Take a Different Approach in Fixing the Problem

Many parents want to punish their children for not doing their homework but a better strategy to have them finish their homework rather than punishing them would be to set rewards if they do finish.

This puts a positive approach for them to finish the homework rather than making it a negative situation if they don’t finish.

The reason why setting rewards is a better solution than threatening consequences would be because they will approach the homework assignment with a positive mindset rather than a negative one.

If they go in knowing that there is a prize at the end, they will be excited to finish and get it done. If they go in knowing that if they don’t finish, they will have a consequence, they will go in with fear and that will put a negative connotation on homework assignments.

Setting rewards also motivates them to finish.

Think of it like how people get paid at work. They know that if they go to work and do their job, they will get a paycheck so even though many people don’t like their job, they still go in every day and finish because they know that they will be getting a paycheck. They are motivated to work hard by knowing that they will receive a check after.

This is the same concept you should apply for any student that does not want to do their homework. They should have a motivating factor to work towards so it drives them to do it.

Many parents think that they should not be rewarded for doing homework but that is farther from the truth. If adults have to be motivated to work for a paycheck, the child should also have a motivating factor to do their homework.

Let’s start making homework a positive thing instead of pressuring them to finish so they don’t have a consequence.

If they are motivated and are going in with a good mindset to finish, they will most likely aim to finish and do it quickly to receive the prize. You can decide what that prize is or even set up a rewards program where if they get a certain amount of homework done in a week, they will get a bigger prize.

This of course does not mean that you take away the consequences if they don’t finish. This trick of setting up rewards won’t work for all students and they still might slack off and not finish so when explaining to them the reward system, let them know that they are not saved from the consequences and will receive them if they are not trying to finish.

Final Thoughts

There are consequences for students who don’t do homework when they are supposed to and it can be easy to choose one these days. Anything that the student loves to do in their free time should be limited or taken away and that will cause them to finish the homework they have due.

The first thing you have to do is find the reason why they are not finishing their homework and once you find that out, it is time to help them get started. Your child acting out in school can also play a role with they don’t want to finish their homework.

When dealing with this, a way you can take a different approach would be to motivate them by having rewards set up once they are able to complete their homework. This will cause a bigger effect than threatening consequences if they don’t finish.

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Battles Over Homework: Advice For Parents

Guidelines for helping children develop self-discipline with their homework..

Posted September 5, 2012 | Reviewed by Lybi Ma

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I would like to offer some advice about one of the most frequent problems presented to me in over 30 years of clinical practice: battles over homework. I have half-jokingly told many parents that if the schools of New York State no longer required homework, our children’s education would suffer (slightly). But, as a child psychologist, I would be out of business.

Many parents accept this conflict with their children as an unavoidable consequence of responsible parenting . These battles, however, rarely result in improved learning or performance in school. More often than not, battles over homework lead to vicious cycles of nagging by parents and avoidance or refusal by children, with no improvement in a child’s school performance. And certainly no progress toward what should be our ultimate goals : helping children enjoy learning and develop age-appropriate discipline and independence with respect to their schoolwork.

Before I present a plan for reducing battles over homework, it is important to begin with this essential reminder:

The solution to the problem of homework always begins with an accurate diagnosis and a recognition of the demands placed on your child. Parents should never assume that a child who resists doing homework is “lazy.”

Every child whose parents or teachers report ongoing resistance to completing schoolwork or homework; every child whose performance in school is below expectations based on his parents’ or teachers’ intuitive assessment of his intellectual potential; and every child who, over an extended period of time, complains that he “hates school” or “hates reading,” should be evaluated for the presence of an attention or learning disorder.

These children are not lazy. Your child may be anxious, frustrated, discouraged, distracted, or angry—but this is not laziness. I frequently explain to parents that, as a psychologist, the word lazy is not in my dictionary. Lazy, at best, is a description, not an explanation.

For children with learning difficulties, doing their homework is like running with a sprained ankle: It is possible, although painful, and he will look for ways to avoid or postpone this painful and discouraging task.

A Homework Plan

Homework, like any constructive activity, involves moments of frustration, discouragement, and anxiety . If you begin with some appreciation of your child’s frustration and discouragement, you will be better able to put in place a structure that helps him learn to work through his frustration—to develop increments of frustration tolerance and self-discipline.

I offer families who struggle with this problem a Homework Plan:

• Set aside a specified, and limited, time for homework. Establish, early in the evening, a homework hour.
• For most children, immediately after school is not the best time for homework. This is a time for sports, for music and drama, and free play.
• During the homework hour, all electronics are turned off—for the entire family.
• Work is done in a communal place, at the kitchen or dining room table. Contrary to older conventional wisdom , most elementary school children are able to work more much effectively in a common area, with an adult and even other children present, than in the “quiet” of their rooms.
• Parents may do their own ”homework” during this time, but they are present and continually available to help, to offer encouragement, and to answer children’s questions. Your goal is to create, to the extent possible, a library atmosphere in your home, again, for a specified and limited period of time. Ideally, therefore, parents should not make or receive telephone calls during this hour. And when homework is done, there is time for play.
• Begin with a reasonable, a doable, amount of time set aside for homework. If your child is unable to work for 20 minutes, begin with 10 minutes. Then try 15 minutes in the next week. Acknowledge every increment of effort, however small.
• Be positive and give frequent encouragement. Make note of every improvement, not every mistake.
• Be generous with your praise. Praise their effort, not their innate ability. But do not be afraid of praise.
• Anticipate setbacks. After a difficult day, reset for the following day.
• Give them time. A child’s difficulty completing homework begins as a problem of frustration and discouragement, but it is then complicated by defiant attitudes and feelings of unfairness. A homework plan will begin to reduce these defiant attitudes, but this will not happen overnight.

Most families have found these suggestions helpful, especially for elementary school children. Establishing a homework hour allows parents to move away from a language of threats (“If you don’t__ you won’t be able to__”) to a language of opportunities (“When” or “As soon as” you have finished__ we’ll have a chance to__”).

Of course, for many hurried families, there are complications and potential glitches in implementing any homework plan. It is often difficult, with children’s many activities, to find a consistent time for homework. Some flexibility, some amendments to the plan, may be required. But we should not use the complications of scheduling or other competing demands as an excuse, a reason not to establish the structure of a reasonable homework routine.

Copyright Ken Barish, Ph.D.

See Pride and Joy: A Guide to Understanding Your Child’s Emotions and Solving Family Problems .

Kenneth Barish, Ph.D. , is a clinical associate professor of Psychology at Weill Medical College, Cornell University.

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ADHD And Refusal To Complete Assignments

• September 29, 2020

Instead Of Punishing, We Should Be Asking “Why”

A few days ago, I saw a post on a different group than the one I moderate for ADHD parent support. The post was from a parent asking for advice about how to punish a child for refusal to complete assignments in virtual school. The mom said she didn’t want to take recess away, as their pediatrician said that exercise is important for children with ADHD. (I can agree with that!) What followed were a lot of comments about other punishments that she could enact, like having the child walk or run the school yard instead of recess, or have them do extra work, or lose privileges for electronics.

It was at this point that I had to jump in.

Look at lists of symptoms for ADHD , and you will find all of the executive functions listed as possibly affected. At it’s core, ADHD is weakness in executive functioning. The child’s refusal to complete assignments is coming from a lagging skill in one or more areas. It is not just a behavioral problem.

No type or amount of punishment is going to change underlying executive functioning. It’s like punishing a child for not being able to ride a bike when they haven’t learned yet. So instead of asking how to punish, what we should be asking is “why did my child not do their work?” There is most definitely a reason. Making them run the school field won’t address that reason. Taking away a toy or privilege won’t address that reason. A punishment might gain short term compliance, but it is not going to solve this problem in the future. Most important in the asking of this question: it reframes the issue from one of blame to one of compassion.

Common Reasons For “Refusal” To Complete Assignments

The most common reasons that I am finding for kids and teens not completing their schoolwork are listed below. A new set of issues has cropped up with virtual and hybrid learning, but these refusals existed even before, when all school was conducted in-person. Don’t be fooled into thinking the “new way of learning” is causing these refusals!

• Don’t know what the assignment is and/or when it’s due
• Don’t know how to prioritize the order to begin assignments
• Forgot about an assignment because it wasn’t listed with the others
• Don’t understand how to do it (subject material, or confusing directions)
• It’s going to take too long, it’s uninteresting or perceived as irrelevant, and child or teen would rather engage in leisure activity than schoolwork

How To Find The “Why”

In order to provide the right amount of support your child needs so that they can succeed, you may need to engage in a little detective work. We want to ask specific questions to get to the answer. Instead of “why didn’t you do it?” (blaming), you can ask “what was difficult about it?” or “how can I help you understand this?” (showing compassion).

I’ll give you a real example. I have a client who has fallen behind in a few of his classes. He is staying current with the classes that are more concrete and that he is better at – math, science, and Spanish. He is weeks behind in English.

I sat down with him and assessed his learning style, executive functioning skills, and future goals. We looked at strengths, weaknesses, and what barriers he was encountering. I found that he has difficulty writing, researching, and organizing his thoughts. He struggles with decision making as well. He would land on a research topic, then change his mind repeatedly. He perceives the stakes as high in any decision involving school, as he truly does care and is quite a perfectionist. The assignments were multi-step, high school English that, in his mind, looked like they were going to take forever. He couldn’t even get started, so he didn’t.

Taking the time to address the underlying issues allowed me, and his parents, to come up with a plan to get back on track. He needed to see how to to break big assignments down into more manageable pieces, to schedule time for reading and research, and to figure out the best way to organize. It took some time, but he was eventually able to get caught up in all classes.

What would have happened if his mom had taken away his video games as punishment for the refusal to complete assignments? The assignments most likely wouldn’t have been done independently, as he truly did not know how to get started with organization, prioritizing, and time demands.

I have another, younger, client who is in elementary school full time in-person class instruction. He is not able to do his homework without me or one of his parents sitting next to him. He rushes ahead to complete his work as quickly as possible, and thus he struggles with making his writing legible, and reading for comprehension. Without the accountability of someone right next to him, he gets off task, he daydreams and fidgets, his writing is illegible, and he ends up having to re-do the work, which leads to frustration and further avoidance. When I sat next to him and reminded him of the three keys for neater writing, and tapped the table to help him re-focus, and asked him to take a breath, slow down, and think before writing any answer, I was teaching him how to become more disciplined and what strategies he needed in order to make homework time smoother. He is a smart boy, so pointing out that while this process seemed like it was taking longer, he was actually going to save time in the end by not having to re-write and re-read things he missed.

What would happen if mom had taken away his playtime on the trampoline in the backyard, or his nightly bike ride with the family around the neighborhood? Would that have helped him slow down, write neatly, use active reading techniques, and stay focused? Not even close!

I don’t have a checklist of questions to ask, as I let the conversation unfold naturally, but here are a few questions that come to mind:

• Do you know what you have to do? If the answer is yes, I ask them to explain it to me, so I can be sure that they understand. If the answer is no, I help them figure it out, then repeat it back.
• Do you know how to do it? If the answer is yes, I ask them to go ahead and start. If the answer is no, I ask how they can find out. Do they need to read the directions, look online, contact the teacher, call a friend, attend tutoring? I encourage kids and teens to solve their own problems. If it is a long project, they may know how to do it in general, but not how to break it down into smaller bits.
• Do you have everything you need? I am referring to materials as well as having any research or other work done that will be needed.
• Is there something about this (homework, assignment, etc) that is too hard or confusing for you? This is a similar question to do you know how, but it’s different in that they may know how, but it’s just too hard or will take too long. Sometimes I ask them to scale it from 1 – 5, 1 being “super easy” to 5 being “really hard”.
• What do you think about this (homework, assignment, topic, class subject, etc)? Sometimes we don’t want to do things simply because we don’t care, or don’t see the point, already understand it and resist repetition, or find the subject boring. This question gets to their thoughts and feelings about the actual task.

Less Obvious Reasons For Refusal To Complete Assignments

As an occupational therapist, I treat my clients holistically. This means that I look at the whole person. My clients are not a diagnosis or a deficit – they are complex human beings who have past influences and future goals. This is why I reject the “ABC” model of behavior therapy (antecedent- behavior – consequence) as the antecedent could have occurred hours (or even days) before the behavior. If we only look at what happened immediately prior to a behavior (the refusal to complete assignments, in this case) we are often missing the bigger picture!

A recent example is another high school student. She is in honors classes and has been staying current with all class and homework – until a creative writing paper was assigned that was to be graded by a peer. She did most of the work, but when she found out that it was going to be peer-graded, she completely shut down. She admitted to me that she did not want anything to do with it, because she was afraid of what this peer might think of her, reading her personal stories. In this case, there was not an executive functioning deficit, but there still was a clear reason behind the refusal.

What If There Is No Reason?

You can go through the entire process, and you still may not get a real answer. Alternatively, the answer may be “I don’t want to” or “I hate school” or something similar, which you may perceive as defiant. At this point of continued refusal to complete assignments, you have a few choices. You can use immediate rewards, you can develop a contingency plan, or you can enact a behavioral contract.

• Immediate rewards are most effective with young children. Remember potty training when your kiddo got an M & M or skittle for sitting on the potty, one for using it, etc? This is the same. Immediate, tangible rewards are offered in exchange for a word written, a page completed – whatever you choose. They will eventually need to be faded so your child does not learn to only work for rewards. (I usually caution against food rewards for this reason. A sticker chart or marble jar is preferred, with a bigger reward earned).
• Contingency plan, or “first/then”. With a contingency plan, your child is basically in lockdown until they complete what you want or need them to. Their freedom to engage in desirable activities depends upon finishing homework, studying, a project, etc. First you finish the work, then you get to (play, go out with friends, watch TV, etc). There is a clear goal/task that needs to be completed before the child can do what they want. It may change from day to day. The contingency has higher stakes and is more demanding than an immediate reward. It helps children overcome short term motivation problems by increasing the value of what they need to do (the homework or chore) beyond a sticker or toy as a currency.
• Behavioral contract. This is a step above the contingency. It spells out specifically desired behaviors AND consequences if they do not occur. Whereas in a contingency, the child would not get to play, in a behavioral contract, the “then” part will occur if an only if the child completes the criteria set for earning the enjoyable activity. Ideally, you get your child or teen to “buy-in” by signing and thus, agreeing to, the contract.

Obviously, we parents would love for our children to have the self-motivation to want to succeed. That is not always the case. I am speaking from personal experience when I say that no amount of logic, or punishment, will make this child or teen motivated. You, as the parent, can use a contingency or behavioral plan to get back on track. Once you begin to see results, you can back off and allow more autonomy. Build this into the written plan, so your child or teen knows exactly what outcomes will get him or her more freedom.

Finding they “why” and addressing any other underlying issues, will ultimately solve the problem of refusal to complete assignments. By doing this as soon as possible, you are setting your child or teen up for future success – and with that, everyone wins!

For much more on executive functioning skill building, motivation, and parenting help, check out my self-paced online courses for parents of elementary aged kids with ADHD and parents of teens with ADHD . For more 1:1 help, fill out my ADHD Questionnaire   to see if we are a good fit to work together.

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Child Not Doing Homework? Read This Before You Try Anything Else

by Tanith Carey . (This article is part of the Be Positive series. Get free article updates here .)

Instead, Lily had just scribbled all over her homework worksheet, thrown her pencil on the floor and was now yelling at the top of her voice: “ I hate Math! I suck at it!”

With my younger daughter to put to bed, Lily in a melt down and me exhausted after a day at work, the tension was rapidly rising.

But even if I could calm ourselves down , there was no end in sight. Even if I could persuade her to finish her math homework, Lily still had the whole book reading to do.

So I was facing two choices –

Should I stand over her and insist that not doing homework was NOT an option?

Or should I tell her to put the books away, write a note to her teacher and just let her unwind and play in the lead up to bedtime?

Have you been there? What choice would you make?

The choice I would make now is very different to what my choice would have been a few years back.

Back then, I’d try to push through with a mixture of cajoling and prompting and assurances that she did know how to do her Math  really .

If that didn’t work then maybe in despair and frustration that she didn’t seem to want to try, I would have gotten angry and tried to explain how serious I was about this.

A Game of One-Upmanship

After all, what choice did I have? From the very early days in the private nursery she attended, I found myself surrounded by lots of other mothers locked into the same race to make their children the brightest and the best.

As Lily got older, I came to learn how insidiously contagious  pushy parenting is.

If one of the mothers spotted another parent with a Kumon Math folder, we all rushed to sign up too – for fear our children would get left behind.

Neurosis underpinned every conversation at the school gates – particularly as all of us were aiming to get our children into a small handful of selective private schools in the area.

Bit by bit, the parenting journey which had started off being so exciting and rewarding, was turning into a stressful game of one-upmanship .

But children are not products to be developed and put on show to reflect well on us.

Depending on what happens on the night, every child is conceived with a unique combination of genes which also maps out their strengths, weaknesses and personality traits before they are even born.

Lily may have been bred into a competitive hotbed. But as an innately modest and sensitive child, she decided she did not want to play.

The alarm bells started ringing in Grade Three when, after I personally made sure she turned in the best Space project, she won the prize. While I applauded uproariously from the sidelines, Lily, then seven, fled the room in tears and refused to accept the book token from the Head.

When she calmed down, she explained she hated us making a fuss. But what is just as likely is that she disliked the fact that her successes had become as much ours as hers. Even at that young age, no doubt she also realized that the more she succeeded, the more pressure she would be under to keep it up.

Over the next few years, the issues only deepened.

The Problem of Not Doing Homework

The increasing amounts of homework sent home by the school gradually turned our house into a war zone – with me as the drill sergeant.

Homework is one of the most common flash points between kids and parents – the crossroads at which academic endeavors meet parental expectations at close quarters – and behind closed doors.

Surveys have found that homework is the single biggest source of friction between children and parents. One survey found that forty percent of kids say they have cried during rows over it. Even that figure seems like a dramatic underestimate.

Yet more and more, it is recognized that homework undermines family time and eats into hours that should be spent on play or leisure.

A straightforward piece of work that would take a child twenty minutes at school can easily take four times as long at home with all the distractions and delaying tactics that go with it.

As a result, children get less sleep , go to bed later and feel more stressed .

Homework has even started to take over summer vacations.

Once, the long break was seen as a chance for children to have adventures, discover themselves and explore nature. Now the summer months are viewed as an extension of the academic year – a chance for kids to catch up or get ahead with workbooks and tutoring.

But ultimately homework abides by the law of diminishing returns.

Researchers at Duke University found that after a maximum of two hours of homework, any learning benefits rapidly start to drop off for high school students.

While some children will do everything to avoid doing it, at the extreme others will become perfectionists who have to be persuaded to go to bed. Some moms I spoke to had to bribe their children to do less!

Given the cloud of anxiety hovering over them, no wonder some of these children perceive education as stressful .

Pushed to the Brink

While all of us would say we love our children no matter what, unfortunately that’s not the message our kids hear. Instead, children become angry when they feel we are turning them into passive projects. Rather than feel like they are disappointing us, they disconnect. Early signs may be they become uncommunicative after school, stop looking parents in the eye, become secretive or avoidant.

But we need to remember that unhappy, stressed kids don’t learn.

Over the next few years, Lily’s insistence on not doing homework kept getting worse. To try and get to the bottom of it, my husband Anthony and I took her to see educational psychologist who found strong cognitive scores and no signs of learning difficulties.

But what the report did identify was how profoundly Lily’s self-worth had been affected .  Even though I had never once told her she should be top of the class, she still felt she had to be good at everything. If she couldn’t be, she didn’t think there was any point trying at all.

It was clear despite our best efforts to support her, Lily constantly felt criticized . She was becoming defensive and resentful.

Most serious of all, by claiming she couldn’t do her homework – when she could – she was testing if my love for her was conditional on her success.

I had to face up to the painful truth that unless I took immediate action – and killed off my inner Tiger Mom – my child and I were growing apart.

So for the sake of my daughter, I realized I had to change direction and take my foot off the gas .

When her tutor rang to tell me Lily needed a break, I was delighted to agree. Since then, I have let her focus on the subjects that really matter to her – art and music – and have let her decide what direction to take them in.

I also made a deliberate effort to spend time with Lily – just the two of us – so we can simply “be” together. Now instead of trips to the museums and classical concerts, we go for walks in the park and hot chocolates.

The Difficult Journey Back

To help her recognize and dismiss the voice that was bringing her down, I took her to see a Neuro-Linguistic Programming coach who teaches children strategies to untangle the persistent negative thoughts that undermine their self-belief – and replace them with positive ones.

Before we began, Jenny explained that Lily’s issues are not uncommon. As a teacher with 30 years’ experience, Jenny believes the growing pressure on children to perform from an early age is contributing to a general rise in learning anxiety. The youngest child she has helped was six .

It’s children like Lily, who don’t relish a contest, who are among the biggest casualties.

At home, some have been made to feel they are not good enough by parents or are intimidated by more academic sisters and brothers. Some may develop an inferiority complex simply because they are born into high-achieving families.

Once established, failure can also become self-reinforcing. Even when they get good marks, children like Lily still dwell on the pupil who got the higher one to support their negative views of their abilities, making it a self-perpetuating downward spiral.

It’s when children start to see this self-criticism as fact that the negative self-talk can start.

As she sat on the sofa, Jenny asked Lily if she had ever heard a nagging voice in her head that put her down. Lily looked surprised but answered that yes, she had. Asked who it was, my daughter replied: “It’s me, but the mean me.”

Asked to draw this character, Lily depicted an angry, disapproving female figure with her hands on her hips, with a mouth spouting the words “blah, blah, blah.” When asked to name her, Lily thought for a moment before coming up with the name Miss Trunch-Lily, so-called because the figure is half herself – and half the hectoring teacher from Roald Dahl’s Matilda.

Now that Miss Trunch-Lily had been nailed, Jenny and Lily agreed an easy way to deal with her would be to talk back and tell her “Stop it, you meanie” one hundred times.

But that would take a long time, so Lily and Jenny came up with a quicker solution; imagining a canon which would instantly send a shower of 60 candies into her mouth so she couldn’t say another word.

Next time Lily heard her nagging voice, all she had to do was press an imaginary button and her nemesis would be silenced.

In the months that followed, Lily seemed to relax. Gradually the procrastination about homework started to vanish – and Lily was much more likely to open her books after school and quietly get on with her homework.

A Fresh New Start

Instead my husband, my daughters and I went on long walks with our dog. We examined different types of seaweed and examined crabs in rock pools.

Back in the cottage, we sat around and read books that interested us. I let the children play upstairs for hours, not on their phones, but in long elaborate role-plays, without feeling the need to interrupt once.

I would wager that Lily and Clio learnt more about themselves – and what they are capable of – in a single week than in a whole semester at their schools where they hardly get a moment to stop and think.

Of course, for the child born with a go-getting personality, teaming up with turbo-charged parents can be a winning combination – to start with at least.

But as adults, we have to start asking – how high we can raise the bar before it’s too high for our children to jump?

After all, a bigger picture is also emerging : a rise in anxiety disorders, depression and self-harm among children who have grown up with this continual pressure – and the emergence of a generation who believe they are losers if they fail, they’ve never done enough if they win.

Even among children who succeed in this environment, educationalists are finding pushy parenting creates a drive towards perfectionism which can turn into self-criticism when these young people can’t live up to such high standards.

I’m happy that in the midst of this arms race to push our kids more and more, there are changes afoot. Around the world, parents and educators are drawing up a blue-print for an alternative.

Whether it’s slow parenting , minimalist parenting , free-range parenting – or the more bluntly named Calm the F*** Down parenting , there is recognition that we need to resist the impulse to constantly push and micro-manage.

As a mother to Lily, as well as my younger daughter, Clio, I’ve decided I don’t want to be a part of all those crushing burdens of expectations. I want to provide a relief from it.

Apart from the fact it makes children happier, it’s also so much more fun.

Now I love the fact that when Lily messes around in the kitchen making cupcakes, I no longer have to fight the urge to tell her to hurry up – and badger her to finish her homework.

Of course, not doing homework is not an option – but these days in our house the aim is to do it as quickly and efficiently as possible. If a concept is not understood, I don’t pull my hair out trying to be the teacher and trying to play ‘catch-up’. If Lily, now 12, genuinely does not understand it, I write a note to the member of the staff to explain that it may need further explanation. It’s a simple system and is working perfectly fine for us.

I like it that when she comes home from school, and I ask her, ‘How are you?’ I really mean it.  It’s no longer code for: ‘What marks did you get today, darling?’ and I’m not thinking ‘Hurry up with your answer, so we can get on with your homework.’

Most of all I love the fact that I can finally appreciate Lily for the person she is now: a 12-year-old girl with an acerbic sense of humor who likes Snoopy, play-dates and kittens – and not for the person I once wanted her to be.

The 2-Minute Action Plan for Fine Parents

For our quick contemplation questions today –

• Imagine meeting your child in 20 years times. Ask them to describe their childhood. Do they describe it as magical? Or do they look back on it as a race from one after school activity and homework project to the next?
• Ask yourself what do you want for your children? When you say you want your children to be happy, what has that come to mean to you?  If you really analyze it, has it drifted into being interpreted as professional success and financial acumen? Furthermore, have you come to judge success by a very narrow definition of traditional career achievement and earning power?
• Now check again. If you look around you, what do the happiest people you know have in common? Is it material goods, high-flying jobs and academic qualifications? Or is it emotional balance? If you approach the question another way, are the wealthiest people you know also the most satisfied with life?

The Ongoing Action Plan for Fine Parents

Spend some time sorting through any conflicts related to your kids not doing homework.

To start with, train your children in good habits and place time limits on how long homework should take from the start.

Ask the school how long a child should spend on each subject at night. Then you can help keep those limits in place by telling kids they can’t spend a minute more – or a minute less – than the allotted time.

Find the time of the day after school that works best for your child – either straight after arriving home or after a short break. Agree a start time every day so that the rule turns into a routine and there is less room for resistance and negotiation.

Don’t finish their homework for kids because you are desperate to get it off the evening’s to-do list. That will just mask the problem and get you dragged into a nightly conflict. Help them instead to take responsibility for their homework, while you provide guidance from the sidelines on an on-need basis.

About Tanith Carey

Award-winning parenting writer Tanith Carey is a mother-of-two who writes books which aim to address the most pressing issues for modern families – and how to build strong, resilient kids in today’s challenging world. Her latest book Taming the Tiger Parent: How to put your child's well-being first in a competitive world has been called a big picture book to ‘re-orientate our parenting’, ‘highly readable’ ‘well-researched’ and ‘ beautifully written’ by teachers, parents and professionals. The book has received global coverage from outlets ranging from the NBC Today Show to the New York Post to yahooparenting, the Guardian and dailymail.online. Her seventh book 'Girls Uninterrupted - A manual for raising courageous daughters' - will be published in February 2015.

December 22, 2014 at 9:14 am

This is interesting to me because it doesn’t match our experience at all. We are struggling with my daughter doing homework, but it’s more of an adolescent rebellion/lethargy thing.

My kids attend a Montessori school which generally does not assign homework. What homework they tend to get in the elementary levels is a packet of assorted reading and math that they have an entire week to do at whatever pace works for them. My son’s homework is optional and he always opts out. (He’s very busy at home drawing and playing piano and he’s already reading at a high school level in second grade, so we never worry about academics with him anyway.) But my oldest is in seventh grade and they are trying to transition the kids into what will happen in high school, and my daughter has balked at all the homework.

But we have never approached our kids’ homework as our responsibility. We are always available to help and answer questions, but I explain that I passed whatever grade they are in already, and this is their turn to learn and show what they know. It’s been much harder clamping down on my oldest and making sure she knows what the homework is and has it ready. I explained to her recently that I remember those rebellious feelings, but the only person she’s hurting is herself. She’s limiting her choices later by not doing homework. Her teachers care, but in the end it doesn’t impact them, either. It’s all on her. I also told her the worst case scenario is she ends up at the local high school by default instead of following her friends to better places, but that the local high school is good too, so it’s not the end of the world.

I actually worry when I read about other parents monitoring elements of their kids’ lives so much more closely than I do that I’m not doing enough, but my kids are smart and happy and kind and I think they will do fine in the world, so I suppose we will stick with what we are doing. Because all of us are getting some part of it wrong, regardless.

December 22, 2014 at 11:07 am

Thanks so much for sharing that perspective, Korinthia. I love your calm and collected approach to everything parenting, so I’m not entirely surprised with the way you approach home work 🙂 That said, in the circles I hang out, very few parents (if any) would be as calm about this as you are! I don’t know if it has anything to do with the fact that most of us are first generation immigrants and are quite fanatic about education…

Even among our friends, we are a bit of an extreme case. Our daughter goes to a private school. She’s had to do daily homework on weekdays (Mon – Thu) since Kinder. We did have some initial resistance, but it’s mostly a well-established habit now. When she comes home, we take a short break, and then she sits down for homework while I get dinner ready.

Most of the days, it happens without any issues. Some days, she tries to change the rules by wanting to play before homework. I understand her want to do that, but having come from a middle class family in a developing country, my perspective on this is very different. We are where we are, quite literally, due to the discipline we had in regards to education. That discipline is a very powerful thing and like many things the earlier you get it instilled the easier it is. I see it as my job to instill that discipline in my daughter. What she wants to do with it when she grows up is up to her. (In my own case, I’ve shelved a Ph.D to be a stay-at-home mom now and pursue what I really want to do. But that’s been possible only because my degree allowed me to get a high-paying job where I was able to save enough that I don’t have to worry about money for a few years. In those years, if I can find a way to earn a modest income from this site without selling my soul, great. If not, I’ll go back to my old job and repeat the cycle. It’s an amazing freedom to have!)

Anyway, so to me, it boils down to this: this is another case of the intricate balance we parents have to strike — we need to nudge our kids to reach their full potential, but without making it stressful and hopefully in a way that they actually enjoy the process. It’s not easy, and like you I wonder sometimes if I’m making the right choice. And here, I’ll defer to your wise words, because I can’t say it any better — my [daughter is] smart and happy and kind and I think will do fine in the world, so I suppose we will stick with what we are doing. Because all of us are getting some part of it wrong, regardless. 🙂

December 22, 2014 at 3:36 pm

I’m endlessly fascinated with how many ways there are to do things as a family. And it’s always interesting to know what others think of as normal.

I guess for us it comes down to the idea that learning is important, but grades are not. I had a horribly unfair incident in college concerning a grade, and I remember my grandmother smiling and saying, “No one ever asks me what my GPA was.” And it’s true. MIT was threatening to withhold my brother’s Master’s Degree over a deadline on a signature he had nothing to do with, and he just shrugged it off and said, “They can’t take back what I learned.” (They did finally give him his degree, but he really didn’t care.) Grades don’t really mean much. A “B” for one student may be a mark of a lot of effort, and evidence of slacking off for another. I’m more interested in what my kids actually know.

I think that’s why Montessori has been such a good fit for us. They teach to the individual, they don’t give letter grades, and there is no sense of competition, only striving to learn more about the world. We know by comparison to other schools around the city that ours is one of the highest performing, so we feel confident that they are getting a good education, but it’s their education, not mine.

Maybe because I grew up in a family of artists? We were always busy, always making things and learning something new. That’s what I want for my kids. I like that they are never bored, and that they LOVE school. They love it. They pretend not to be sick when they have a cold just so they can go. I guess in my mind that’s what school should be. Someplace to be excited about.

December 22, 2014 at 4:54 pm

It is fascinating, isn’t it? I think the way we grow up, and what we have experienced, colors the lens through which we see the world.

I agree with you that at the end of the day, learning, and the love of learning, are more important than everything else.

I think differently about grades though. Grades to me, are a reflection of how well you can apply that learning. Knowledge by itself isn’t enough. You need to be able to apply it in some way – either to earn a living, or help make the world a better place, or whatever. For kids, getting good grades are a way to practice applying/expressing their knowledge… it’s a very narrow and imperfect way to do it, but it’s what we have, nevertheless.

And, I look at absolute grades… not relative ones. In other words, I don’t care how many other kids did better or worse than her in any given test… I’m interested mainly in what she did or didn’t do well.

Just like us, she will sometimes be successful in applying that knowledge. Sometimes, not as much. The question then is, what can I do to help her better retain what she has learnt and apply it more effectively?

Now, if her grades aren’t good because of something outside her control, she is off the hook. If not, we hold her accountable, and work on it together to try and figure out what she can change/improve to do better next time.

So far, this seems to have worked and I haven’t beat the joy of learning out of her, yet 🙂 But, we’re still at the beginning of her learning journey… we’ll have to see what happens as we go along and things get more demanding and more complex…

PS: This is one of the more interesting discussions I’ve had on this blog in a while — Thank you! 🙂

December 23, 2014 at 4:10 am

Thanks for the very considered and calm discussion of this issue that is happening here. This piece is not about Lily so much as it is about how great it can be when we parents discard our baggage and come to our children afresh. My book Taming the Tiger Parent has been called ‘a book to re-orientate’ parenting – and really it is about one thing: Finding empathy and connection with our children without letting the world (which does not always want the best for our kids) to get in the way. Please share so that we get other parents have the confidence to do the same – and enjoy their parenting more..(and that’s just the adults!)

December 23, 2014 at 12:25 pm

Sumitha, I’m probably biased about grades because my own history with them has been so unrepresentative, and I think people place too much stock in them. In my kids’ school they work on preparing a portfolio of all kinds of work rather than relying on letter grades, and that works better for us. But as far as using grades simply as a barometer of whether a child is taking care of responsibilities that seems completely reasonable.

That’s one of the discussions I’m continually having with my daughter at the moment, that she needs to provide evidence for her teachers that she’s done the work. She feels the magic of a book, for instance, is marred by her picking it apart for an analysis. She’ll read the book, and she’s a good writer, but she resents the type of work assigned about it and sometimes won’t do it. (I used to do the same thing, so I get it.) I tell her she just has to pick her consequence. She can either suck it up and do the work, challenge the work by coming up with a different assignment that maybe meets the same criteria the teachers are interested in, or not do it. The first two improve her report card, and the third hurts it. The report card is a means to more choices about her future. (As her mom, I’m actually just happy she read and loved the book.)

In the end, I’m not worried. For her, bad grades at a good school are probably worth more than good grades at a bad school, and she will still have more choices than the average child. Wherever she ends up she will make it work, but that’s up to her.

I acknowledge we are in a privileged position, because she’s got enough talent and charm and resources and family that she will not starve, she will not be homeless, regardless of grades. I think the real key to success is figuring out your passion if you can, so you know what you’re working toward. As soon as she figures that out I’m convinced she has the skills and discipline to build a good life for herself. I did. (And my report cards would have given you a panic attack!)

December 23, 2014 at 9:24 pm

I have to agree with you and your daughter about the book reports — we did our first one a few weeks back, and it was decidedly much more unpleasant compared to just reading and enjoying the book!

Good luck convincing your daughter to pick one of the first two consequences. But it is clear that even if she picks the third you’ll take it in your stride — which is what I find so admirable about you 🙂

December 25, 2014 at 8:11 am

Such an interesting discussion, thank you!

One more piece to toss in there if you have time for it: http://www.thestrad.com/cpt-latests/bribery-used-motivation-practice/

I know it’s an article about practicing music, but it’s the same idea about grades as a reward, and how that backfires.

I think for me it’s not that grades are not important, it’s that they should reflect something real. If my kids are learning and working hard, the grades will follow. But their focus should always be on their education, not their grades.

December 25, 2014 at 5:04 pm

That is particularly true in music where racing from one music grade to the next, as kids do here, can destroy enjoyment of music for its own sake – and that is a very sad. It just becomes about teaching to the test. In my view children should have music as another language – and another outlet for emotion, not just as a way to build CVs

December 25, 2014 at 11:04 pm

Well said. Couldn’t agree more.

December 26, 2014 at 8:37 am

@Korinthia, sorry for the late reply — busy with the holidays.

Love that article you pointed to. Some time back, I came across several articles by Alfie Kohn and got very confused about this whole rewards thingie. At that point I was just starting to move away from threats, punishment and screaming, and thought I was doing good by using rewards and positive reinforcement instead, and Kohn’s articles turned that notion on it’s head.

Things eventually started to fall in place when I read the “Power of Habits” by Charles Duhigg.

My very unsubstantiated, unproven, non-scientific conclusion (which I wrote about here ) is based on this observation mentioned in that article — Kohn and his colleagues would admit that rewards, bribes and praise do indeed work in the short term — and Chales Duhigg’s observations that once a habit is formed, you can remove the reward completely from the habit loop and the habit will continue.

So in my opinion, if you use rewards as a way to establish a habit and not as the end result, they still have a place.

In the case of grades for instance, grades are a way to get into a consistent study habit which is — pay attention in class, learn what the teacher is teaching, review at home if necessary, let’s talk about it as much as you want or you can look things up in books/Net, apply in a test. At 1st grade it’s very hard to make learning *all* subjects fun, but a habit like this will apply to all subjects universally. Grades are a great way to get that habit started initially — they are tangible and there is recognition. As we go on, we focus the message on the learning — for instance, like me, grammar was not my daughters favorite subject. By looking at the test results and saying “Hey, you did well in your grammar test. You’re learning a lot for a first grader! What is this you’ve done here? Diagramming? We never did that in India. Will you teach me how to diagram a sentence?” implicitly acknowledges the grade on that test, but the grade isn’t the focus. When she draws on her white board and teaches me how to diagram a sentence, there is pride and joy in her and now she is a lot more interested in grammar.

I am not a music person (I know, sorry :)) but I would think that using a reward to get a child to practice until the child’s first performance isn’t a bad idea. Once the child performs in front of an audience, and enjoys that sense of accomplishment, the practice habit will likely carry through, even if you remove whatever temporary reward you used. If the child has an inclination towards music, they will learn to enjoy the practicing part of it too as they go along — it’s just a matter of getting them to do it for long enough to recognize that.

December 26, 2014 at 8:54 am

@Korinthia, I’m still thinking about it 🙂

The latest discussion reminded me about the marble jar experiment you shared on your blog some time back ( here ). At first your kids may have done the chores to earn those marbles to get the screen time or other things (rewards). But once the system (habit) was established, the marbles (or the things they could buy) is not necessarily a motivator to do the chores… it is “just how things are done” — a simple habit/system that removes the need for verbal negotiation, arguing, reminders, cajoling, power struggles etc from the picture and hence makes what needs to be done tolerable/fun for everyone involved.

December 27, 2014 at 3:48 am

To be honest on music, I think you also know your child is playing the right instrument when they do want to practice. I know that sounds idealistic but they will be much drawn towards that instrument if it’s the one that lights their ‘spark.’ Lily and Clio both do play the violin to a very high level – but as I explain in my book, that doesn’t mean I have had been to be an Amy Chau tiger parent to get to them point. Also music has become a way of life in our house, and they play music together, which helps.

January 2, 2015 at 9:19 am

(Sorry to keep this discussion dragging on forever, but it’s the kind of thing I really enjoy!)

Sumitha, I agree about using some rewards for forming habits. When my kids first started violin we got into a routine of combining practice with dessert. We don’t often have dessert, but to get them in a habit of practicing after dinner they would get marshmallows for each little thing they played. Then just at the end of the practicing. Then not at all and they didn’t notice. They were four and six at the time and that helped because it was easier to catch their attention with marshmallows than with some abstract sense of musical improvement, which on violin is painfully slow.

The hardest part about teaching beginning violin is to keep students essentially distracted from the fact that they don’t sound like anything for a long, long time, while they put in the necessary work that will improve how they sound. I used to use small stickers with my students to mark when songs were done, but it wasn’t much of a reward. My kids’ violin teacher uses toys and candy as incentives week to week, and I can see how it backfires. It takes the focus off the work and onto the treat, and not getting the treat feels like punishment. My son’s piano teacher doesn’t even use stickers–just checks things off so he knows not to keep working on them, and that’s working much better, but there is a lot more instant gratification to piano than there is to violin.

In terms of grades, we just view them differently. They tell such an incomplete story that they don’t interest me much. You know a little something if a kid gets all good grades vs. all bad grades, but beyond that, nothing useful. When I was in 7th grade I had a notoriously sexist shop teacher who would NOT give a girl an A in mechanical drawing. I know my first drawing in that class was better than the boy’s sitting next to me, but he got all A’s. I complained to my mom who told me when she was in college absolutely no woman could get an A in her advertising class, and she was far and away the best artist there. (Also, some agencies flat out did not hire women, which still blows my mind.) I got alternating A’s and failing grades in reading in 6th grade based purely on whether I handed in the assignments. The quality of the writing didn’t matter to the teacher. Would you rather hire a writer who writes well, or one who writes poorly but always meets deadlines? Depends on the need.

When I think about grades I always think about the valedictorian from my brothers’ high school class. One of my brothers spent his senior year at USC. He was second in his class because he got a B in one of those college courses. Number one? A girl who spent all of her high school experience striving for perfect grades. Her brother was the valedictorian of my class, and she felt she had to match that. It was expected. So she took courses purely based on what she could get an A in. She did not risk taking physics, or calculus. She avoided English and History classes taught by the more challenging teachers. She wasted her chance at an interesting education so she could say she was valedictorian. For myself as a parent, that would not make me proud at all. If as a family we were disadvantaged and that status would provide important opportunities my child wouldn’t otherwise get, then sure, that would be a worthy (if distorted) goal. It’s all relative, and again, every family is different.

Tanith, I agree that kids have to play an instrument that speaks to them. I wish more parents knew that. I had a sample lesson once with a really hostile boy who had a ton of talent and ability, and his mom was making him play. I asked him what he would rather do, and he wanted to play guitar. I told his mom I thought he should switch (or even just add it) because violin brought him no joy. At it’s core, music should be about joy. His mom had a sense of “violin is better” and it was a status thing for her. She was shocked I suggest he be allowed to play guitar and said, “You think guitar is okay?” I told her there was nothing wrong with guitar, and if he liked what he was playing he would do better and enjoy it more. Glad your children like playing violin! One of my projects for the new year is to start building a full size one for my oldest and have her help. (Not many kids get to play a violin they literally had a hand in making, so that should be fun!)

January 2, 2015 at 11:02 am

I love this discussion, too Korinthia! Thank you so much for it. Both writing about it, and reading your’s and Tanith’s points of view has been great for me for sorting through what I want/stand for, in terms of grades, homework etc. for my daughter. With our choice to send her to a private school, these are a part of our everyday life and being more clear about it sure helps!

Your words “If as a family we were disadvantaged and that status would provide important opportunities my child wouldn’t otherwise get, then sure, that would be a worthy (if distorted) goal.” — this describes my life quite literally. While I can see your perspective on grades and it makes a ton of sense, it is hard for me to actually be that cool about it, simply because I am where I am because of the grades, degrees etc (I had written a guest post a while ago that may provide some background here – on money and happiness ). Even though grades/degrees haven’t brought anything of real substance to my life, they nevertheless are the tickets that opened a lot of doors for us and so I simply can’t bring myself to totally break free from them — but I am happy that through these discussions, I am broadening my perspective a bit and hopefully my daughter will benefit from it!

About music, most Asian kids end up in piano classes by default, but my daughter didn’t quite show any interest in a play keyboard she had as a kid which I took as an indication that it’s not her “thing”. I’ve talked to her a couple of times about guitar classes — while she shows interest in it for the novelty of it, she didn’t pounce on it like when I mentioned art class. A lot of my friends argue that kids can doodle and paint at home and there’s no need to spend on classes, and that money is better spent on music so we can introduce something ‘new’ to our kids. I see that point, but I am a believer of the 10,000 hour rule and if she loves art, and doodling, I’d rather pay for her to just take classes in that and hone that craft. Again, no idea if that is a good choice or if it will come back to bite me in the future… we’ll see 🙂

December 23, 2014 at 6:54 am

I really like what you have to say. It converges well with what I have said in my book, The Homework Trap: How to Save the Sanity of Parents, Students and Teachers.

December 23, 2014 at 8:41 am

Thanks for sharing that, Dr. Goldberg. Sounds like an interesting book. I will try to grab a copy of it.

December 24, 2014 at 3:51 am

Thanks Dr Goldberg. I will be definitely checking out your book and sharing it. I think it’s so important that writers in this area band together so others can see there there’s a strong movement forming, questioning where the current educational ethos is leading us.

November 20, 2019 at 7:28 pm

January 2, 2018 at 10:44 am

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October 17, 2018 at 1:18 pm

So what was the title of this BOOK I didn’t read !?!? Guess I overlooked it !!! Just look for a few good pointers not a book to read !!!

May 15, 2020 at 9:36 pm

Thank you SO much for these words….

December 22, 2014 at 10:12 am

Ooh Tanith, excellent article, thank you for sharing this with Sumitha and the rest of us. It was more than I expected. At first I thought, “Well, my kid doesn’t really have issues too much with homework . . . but I’ll look it over.” Very glad I did, it’s much more than homework!

Yes, the delays and distractions, that’s what I have here with my 9 year old. Despite our questions to the school, we never got a complete answer as to how kids were “sorted” each year into what class. Turns out they did it by testing scores and not the “mix-up” of kids to juggle things up from year to year as I was originally told years ago. Of course this created a bit of hurt pride and friction about the subject with my husband and I towards the school as we of course thought our child should be in with the other kids. Even now, with a friend’s child being in the other class, there is a pressure for our own child to do better, push harder, get into that class. Luckily my husband is more level-headed about it than me and this article gave me a good wake-up call. The amount of work they had was more than her class and gave me some concern as to whether she was learning enough. Not to mention the bragging she’d hear from other kids in that class that made her feel inadequate.

Not every child is going to be the next Einstein and we know our daughter is a smart girl but has a stronger pull, like your Lily, toward art and other subjects. We have to enhance their skills and passions and not just push, push, push for the grades and I feel I was like you as well, nervous with the report card. I was proud of her but wanted her to do better but my husband would say, she’s done well, you can’t compare her to so and so and I couldn’t and shouldn’t have. It hit home quickly last year when at the end of the school year, she had two awards and was so happy and I saw a few grades and felt a bit disappointed. I could see it took the wind out of her little sails and I told myself to get my act together and stop it. There was the summer project already spread out on the last day of school, which is a bit discouraging as not all schools do it and it’s a yearly thing for us but we took it in stride.

It also made me wonder about kids that are pushed, some take it out in frustrations and others, it seems to us, do the opposite and just push themselves to the point that they even feel that’s what matters most and I feel sorry for them. I wonder if that bragging isn’t covering up insecurities or worries.

I was worried about her starting to read as a preschooler when I found out one of the teacher’s kids was particularly gifted and rolling along at a very fast rate. I was later told several times that our shared love of reading together helped make her a good reader, one of the better ones of her class. When I took the pressure off of making her read, when often she didn’t feel like it, other than sitting with me while I read, it was more enjoyable and her reading progressed along just fine. Last year it was math that was the issue and now she’s doing very well in math but her language/vocabulary aren’t what they were. A cycle of some kind, who knows but we work on what needs tending to and I try not to push her to where she feels there is nothing else. She still needs that down time, that play time, enough sleep for certain and a chance to be a kid still, she is one, after all.

We have an allotted time for homework and I contact her teacher if something is a problem. I don’t help her like I used to but guide her and she takes pride in her work and getting her corrections done in school with the teacher.

Parenting is an everyday learning course. Obviously this article hit home, thank you. I look forward to more of your work Tanith and thank you as always Sumitha. A blessed holiday season to you both and a break that’s filled with fun and not work!

December 22, 2014 at 12:06 pm

Thank you so much for sharing that, Bernadette. There’s nothing like listening to stories from other parents and finding that common thread to feel normal again 🙂

We have the opposite combination in our house – my husband’s really fanatic about how my daughter does in school, while I am a little more level-headed.

I think the biggest eye opener for me were these words from Tanith – “for the child born with a go-getting personality, teaming up with turbo-charged parents can be a winning combination – to start with at least. But as adults, we have to start asking – how high we can raise the bar before it’s too high for our children to jump?” Our daughter has a very competitive streak, and at first it did look like my husband pushing her to be the best was really a good combination. But then she messed up one test and the fall out was beyond ridiculous. I couldn’t believe my husband’s (over) reaction or that overnight, my daughter was turning into a liar right before our very eyes. Where she thrived on competition before, she started to make excuses and make up stories. I had to put my foot down and set some explicit house rules about what is acceptable and what is not, on both their parts. It took a while but we have a working system now. I’m keeping my fingers crossed and hoping that we can nourish her strong natural tendency to try to be the best and the joy she gets from accomplishing things, without letting it take over or be the only thing! Like Korinthia said above, it is almost guaranteed that we won’t get it all right all the time… the key is to do the best we can, and like you said, keep on learning!

December 23, 2014 at 4:17 am

Dear Bernadette. I think you hit on a very interesting point here. “It also made me wonder about kids that are pushed, some take it out in frustrations and others.” I have been exploring this point because I believe that one of the unacknowledged knock-on effects of competitive parenting is sibling rows and tension. The children don’t just compete to win in the outside world – they do it at home too, leading to many more squabbles and less happy home. My girls Lily and Clio, for example, have never got on better – they collaborate and help each other with music, homework etc Yet I hear other parents proudly trumpet how they have children dead set on beating each other as if they was making them excel further. Instead is sets up a template that I believe can ruin sibling relationships into adulthood Another reason to take the foot of the gas….

December 22, 2014 at 11:24 pm

Really liked the article. Parenting is like walking on a razor’s edge and very rightly said, ‘all of us are getting parts of it wrong’…. Regardless :)..

Stay happy, keep the kid happy and let them be!

December 23, 2014 at 4:18 am

Thanks Anshu. Please share if you can to give other parents the confidence to take their foot off the gas!

December 23, 2014 at 8:42 am

Thanks Dr. Anshu. Stay happy, keep the kid happy and let them be! — that’s a great mantra to live by 🙂

February 8, 2016 at 7:38 pm

This could not polbsisy have been more helpful!

February 21, 2016 at 6:54 pm

Great. I am so pleased you found it constructive.

February 21, 2016 at 6:47 pm

Encourage him to express his opinion, talk about his feelings, and make choices. Show enthusiasm for your child’s interests and encourage her to explore subjects that fascinate her. Provide him with play opportunities that support different kinds of learning styles — from listening and visual learning to sorting and sequencing. Ask about what he’s learning in school, not about his grades or test scores. Thanks!

February 21, 2016 at 6:53 pm

‘Ask about what he’s learning in school, not about his grades or test scores.’ Exactly

February 23, 2016 at 3:51 pm

Hi Tanith Carey,

I agree with you because it can be hurt child mind. Rest other motivation way very good from Evelyn W. Minnick. Also, I have written a blog for helping kids and it’s related to this article. “Best Ways to Get Your Kids to Do Homework Without All the Drama” To read this article visit at http://universityhomeworkhelp.com/best-ways-to-get-your-kids-to-do-homework-without-all-the-drama/

I hope my answer will help more readers of this article.

Thanks Nancie L Beckett

February 25, 2016 at 5:05 pm

This is a great article with lots of quality information about handling homework with kids. I’m a Tutor, you don’t believe “My kid Refuses to Do Homework Assignment.” After lots of research I got a solution, but it takes time. So I’m sharing with you.

Here’s How to Stop the Struggle:-

1. Try to stay calm 2. Set clear expectation around homework time and responsibilities. 3. Play the parental role most useful to your child. 4. Keep activities similar with all your kids. 5. Start early and Offer empathy and support. 6. Use positive reinforcement and incentives.

I used those. Meanwhile, I have written a blog about “How to Make Studying Less Stressful and More Fun?” visit at https://www.24x7homeworkhelp.com/blog/how-to-make-studies-less-stressful-and-more-fun/

Let me know if you have questions

Thanks Arlene B. Morgan

April 14, 2016 at 9:52 am

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August 2, 2016 at 3:46 am

The reality is that every kid is different and what works for one child may not work for another, even with kids in the same family. When our children were small, our goal was to make the actual work process and homework help as pleasant as possible. This was most commonly accomplished by placing a fuzzy, lazy cat on the lap of the student. Very few children (or adults for that matter) will rise from their chairs when there’s a cat sleeping on their lap. The cat also provides company without interfering with the actual thinking process.

September 21, 2016 at 2:47 pm

Very helpful information, my son who is 7 is not the biggest fan of homework. It does depend on the evening and last night was a doozy! He usually has Math every second day which is a review sheet from what they did in class. He acts out, lack of focus, complains that he is tired etc.

Last school year after Spring Break I had finally had enough, and decided homework would get done on my terms, I wanted my happy go lucky son back, so some nights we did not do homework, knowing that on nights that we did there would be more. That seemed to work.

This year my husband and I are working harder with our son, as he struggles with reading and writing. He is in Grade 2, but not at a Grade 2 level, we have support from his teacher, but last night when he was kicking up a fuss about Math, which he does well with I wondered if the subject he struggles with is the cause of the fuss. He even refused to read last night.

We know he feels like we are always working on learning, and we feel the same, but at the same time want to do what we can to support his learning development. I feel helpless at times, as I know he is aware that he struggles, especially when he says things like “I can’t read Mommy”. I try and keep it positive and that there are things that everyone struggles with, and we have to practice to get better.

I am always searching different ways to aid with his learning that will keep him engaged.

I know I rambled….

March 31, 2017 at 10:41 am

>>Of course, not doing homework is not an option – but these days in our house the aim is to do it as quickly and efficiently as possible. Well, I have to disagree with you, kids in Finland do not do homework and their schools simply gave up giving their students homeworks and nothing happened, Finland is still on first levels of education ladders. So it’s optional for everyone , however if it is not optional for you child you can always ask other people for math homework help or chemistry homework help.

April 6, 2017 at 12:09 pm

This article was helpful. While I don’t push my kid to be perfect or ask how other kids did compared to her I constantly get push back from my child with anything she doesn’t want to do. It can be very frustrating. She doesn’t like my input on solving problems at all so I have to just back off or deal with her covering her ears and tuning me out.

She fortunately listens to her teacher, but if she gets tired of something, she loves to tune people out. She is 7 now and has been this way since she was about 4. Example, she got tired of listening to her swim instructor at age 4 and would submerge herself under water so she didn’t have to listen. She is a CHALLENGE and if you give her the option to slack off with work she will do it. Not quite sure how to even go about it. She could care less if she got no credit for missing work. To her, it’s no consequence so it’s been difficult to figure out a workaround with her. She isn’t a spoiled child and if you took the few things she does have away from her, she is fine with that. I don’t like threatening to take things away though. I feel it solves nothing. Challenging!

November 4, 2017 at 9:59 am

Any advice for people who aren’t wealthy? The amount of time and money required for your solutions are absolutely not available to the vast majority of Americans. Neuro linguistic training and private schools? Impossible for all but a few. Most of us are *not* in some insane competition with other parents to push our kids into Harvard by starting waiting lists for preschool. Most of us just want our kids to be able to take care of themselves someday and be successful enough to be happy. Not doing homework is a problem for most kids, rich or poor, competitive or not, regardless of personality, regardless of parenting. This advice is about your child at all. It’s about what you did to your child and then had to undo. Not all kids have been conditioned to internalize the overbearing voice of their type A parents. Some just don’t want to do homework.

November 6, 2017 at 2:42 am

Thank you for this article. Wow, I relate so much to this article. I struggle with my 11 yr old to do homework. She’s exactly like Lily, a soon as she starts doing homework she calls for my help that she doesn’t understand. She’s very bright and learns right away, but I do see she’s stressing. She feels that she’s too slow and takes to long to finish her homework. I know is me without realizing I am pressuring her too much. I must change.

I’m going to change our schedule. I just realized that I didn’t make enough quality time. I need to change that and not pressure my princess about homework.

Thank you so much.

December 23, 2017 at 11:14 pm

Hi folks! My son is older, in 10th grade, and thus it is a very delicate time. That said, up until recently, he was working hard but generally doing well in Honors classes, AP Biology, and AP US History. He is also in band and very intererested in Congressional Debate in Forensics Club. He’s developed a forceful personality, and pursues his goals fearlessly.

Then, it seems a single English research paper broke the camel’s back. It was a walk-thru project: Do basic step A, use A to do 3 days of research in the library, identify a list of relevant quotes, analyze the quotes, develop a rough draft, etc. During the first stages, he always had a reason why it wasn’t done. The grading structure required every step to be completed before the next step started. So, he sat. Supposedly, he had a paper step written in Google Docs…but now he doesn’t remember the “dashed off” name (“stuff2958749.doc”, for example) so he considers that..and the previous steps useless. Why do I need to do this stuff, when I can just write the paper? Why?

My wife is an experienced special educator, and the teacher is engaged and working with us to give our son more options. Still, he pushes back. We’ve done so far as to negotiate him just working on the rough draft, and accepting the zeros on the skipped stages. Somehow, that devolved into him retreating into his room, slamming his door. He has proposed that the teacher “simply” nullify the assignment without a set of grades. If we accept this multiple zero, it will possibly wreck his entire class, possibly causing him to fail 10th grade English. In NJ, that means you don’t move forward to 11th grade.

I’ve had a couple of long discussions with him, away from his mother. He mentions a desire for a more intense structure. He references his stay at an advanced debate camp, where he engaged with other students…who were attending very expensive private schools. “One you see the outside world, you can never be satisfied with being trapped indoors”…he has restated this concept in multiple ways. These schools are beyond our reach financially, and in any case, they aren’t an option in the middle of a school year. And it is unlikely that he’d be accepted, if he wrecks his class grades.

Part of this scenario seems to be a desire to force us to engage with him, in an attempt to work around the school structure. He does have an IEP and 504, which in middle school once allowed him to work independently. Somehow, he thinks that is an option in 10th grade honors English.

Engaging is a real challenge. He’s confident in his ability to argue, and is fully willing to ignore our facts and predictions of fallout. He even discredits his mother’s deep educational knowledge and experience, and then criticizes my perceived lack of business success as ad hominem attacks. (I’m doing fine, but it forces me to defend, and thus is successful distraction.) So far, laying out consequences has been entirely ineffectual. He requires an answer to his “Why?”, but disregards the answers as inadequate. He demands an academic answer to why the teaching technique (the walk-thru research paper) is required or effectual, then derides it as “not a real answer”.

It ends up with a closed door.

The teacher is running out of patience, and we’re running out of ideas. I don’t think the teacher is even allowed to give more that she’s allowing, and might be bending the rules as-is. Our son spent 2 hours with counselors….not guidance counselors…counselors…giving them the same run-around. I think they (2 of them at the same time) gave their best, but they fell back to asking what he wanted: more time maybe?

I’ve read other sources. I see that a full-on psych eval was recommended. At this point, I’m fine with that if it helps. I suspect we’d need to get our son to buy into it. But would that still result in his English grade cratering? Are we risking a cascade failure into other classes?

It’s a very delicate time, and this scenario is not an easy one. I’d like to have simple, pat answer: he’s looking for attention; he’s stressed out over the sheer amount of work; he’s frustrated at the forced slowness of the curriculum; the class is group and can’t move at an accelerated speed (ans: it’s Honors.). But I’m guessing it’s more complex that 1 root-cause.

Given this, I’d not mind some considered advice. Thanks!

May 28, 2018 at 9:19 pm

O my, I do get this. My son pushes back a lot these days, partly the teen and hormones? Right now we are working with setting boundaries, coping with meltdowns and spending time each day bonding over something other than work. It’s horrible to have to walk on eggshells and think you cannot just talk to your kid and resolve something…so simple. My heart goes out to you. A lot of listening is required, and prayers. And in the end, we let him slow things down by an entire year. Take care!

March 17, 2018 at 3:48 pm

Oh my land, thank you for this. I found it today when my kid dissolved into tears after she dragged her homework on for 4 hours on a Saturday, while I nagged her and then snapped at her.

I left the room, googled “child won’t do homework”, found this and read it, went back into the room, hugged her and asked her if trying to make her homework perfect was slowing her down. She said yes, then we talked about that, and her inner critic, and what she could do about that awful little critical voice in her head.

Amazing – thank you.

May 28, 2018 at 5:06 pm

Just found your comment. So pleased it helped.

July 13, 2018 at 8:57 am

I think that if the child does not want to do homework, then everything is fine. I still do not know a single child who would like to do homework. I read the article that homework kills creativity, and I quite agree with that. After all, the child instead of spending time for something really interesting, should do boring homework. When I have a son, I will allow him not to do homework, but in exchange I will tell him that he must be interested in something that really will benefit him in development. Thank you for this article!

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November 12, 2018 at 3:23 am

I am brother of a 12 year old boy studying in seventh grade.I find him not getting interested in studying or doing homework after coming home from school.He is worried more about video games and TV.He get to do his home works only after continuous pressure from parents.He is very attentive,obedient and performs well in school.But at home , he says he need to rest from studies. I hope this tips will help him to get more involved in studies!

December 7, 2018 at 3:16 pm

The issue is process vs. results. By letting your daughter skimp on her homework, she’s going to pick up bad habits … such as doing what she wants to do instead of taking care of her responsibilities. We teach “Work hard, then play hard” in our home. Our goals are process-oriented, like show up for class and turn in your homework, rather than results-oriented, like why don’t you have an A in this class. By teaching our children to work, even when they don’t feel like it sometimes, they can build a foundation of responsibility that will “result” in a more successful, well-rounded experience. Some kids may be different … they may be given all the freedom you are preaching turn that into tremendous happiness. But I’ll build my foundation on discipline, and my children will earn their self-worth by taking care of their responsibilities … not throwing a fit until an authority finally gives in.

April 18, 2019 at 6:22 am

This is good

April 25, 2019 at 3:11 am

Thank you for sharing this article, you are very interesting to write, your blog is really interesting to read!

June 24, 2019 at 6:44 pm

This is really good and helpful. Thanks for sharing this article. 🙏

August 10, 2019 at 1:57 am

I think that the real reasons why the child does not do their homework can be very many of them all of their parents will never know. The main thing is to be able to find a common language in your child!

October 16, 2019 at 6:37 am

I have to agree with you and your daughter about the book reports — we did our first one a few weeks back, and it was decidedly much more unpleasant compared to just reading and enjoying the book!

October 20, 2019 at 1:04 pm

Children do not do their homework because they watch a lot of TV shows and play on the phone.

October 23, 2019 at 3:35 am

All parents want their children to be successful, successful and happy. Schooling is one of the important components of a child’s life. The school will be the main part of its reality for 8-10 years. Therefore, the baby needs to help adapt, feel comfortable and learn how to succeed

February 22, 2020 at 1:00 pm

nice tips, I hope it will help

February 22, 2020 at 11:50 pm

April 8, 2020 at 3:15 am

Anaerobic exercise, on the other hand, is where that max effort comes into play. It’s another form of cardio in which you should only be able to sustain activity for about 30 seconds before you need a break. It should feel pretty difficult for you to catch your breath while you’re doing this type of training (anaerobic meaning “the absence of oxygen”). Explosive exercises like plyometrics, sprinting, and even heavy weightlifting are all examples of anaerobic exercise. “The body uses phosphocreatine and carbohydrates as fuel [for anaerobic exercise] because they can be broken down rapidly,” Olson explains. “Fats take too long to break down as an energy source.”

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Hi, there! Great article! I heard that web design is now one of the most sought-after professions and if your children do not know who they would like to work, then go to the site and they will see how great this profession is!

October 24, 2020 at 6:16 am

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November 7, 2020 at 12:07 pm

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January 29, 2021 at 6:04 am

wow, cool good meterial

February 25, 2021 at 6:06 am

Thank you for the article. This is a really powerful method. I don’t know what I would do without him. Homework and children are created in different universes, I think. Thank you for the blog, I will follow you.

December 27, 2023 at 6:12 am

Thank you for sharing this heartfelt journey. It resonates with many parents striving to find the right balance between academic expectations and their child’s happiness. How do you navigate the delicate task of encouraging achievement without overwhelming your child? #ParentingInsights

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The Secret to Better Behavior? No Punishment at All

If you’re exhausted and running out of ideas to correct your child’s difficult behaviors, you’re not alone. as i’ve learned, disciplining children with adhd often means trying a few key strategies with one great twist – there’s actually no punishment involved at all.

As a psychotherapist who specializes in ADHD and related conditions , I work with parents who feel frazzled and confused about how to best help their neurodivergent children with behavioral challenges . It is a thing I easily relate to, as the just-as-frazzled mother to three grown children who came into this world with a not-quite-neurotypical cocktail of fun.

How to best parent and discipline my children was rarely obvious or straightforward. At times, they were defiant. They ignored me. They threw major tantrums . They lied. They were often verbally and sometimes physically aggressive. No punishment seemed to work . Sound familiar?

Then years later, as I was completing a master’s in counseling psychology, I came to understand something that completely changed the way I approached parenting: ADHD is actually not a behavior disorder! It is a neurological difference. My kids’ difficult behaviors were not happening by choice. This realization allowed me to find and exhibit true compassion for my children — a game changer.

If you’re exhausted and running out of ideas to correct your child’s difficult behaviors , you’re not alone. Improving behaviors in children with ADHD often means trying a few key strategies and one great twist – there’s actually no punishment involved at all!

5 Steps to Dealing with Difficult ADHD Behaviors

Step 1: accept that adhd is physiological.

You can’t begin to correct your child’s difficult behaviors until you acknowledge this truth.

Children with ADHD largely struggle with executive functioning – the brain skills we all need to function in our daily lives. They include the ability to sustain attention, to organize and plan, to recall information, and to control emotions, among other skills. The prefrontal cortex – where attention, emotions, and behaviors intersect – is also implicated in ADHD.

[ Read: Positive Parenting Strategies That Inspire Good Behavior ]

Children with ADHD are also about three years behind their neurotypical peers in terms of brain development, meaning that they are often asked to function at higher levels than their brains can manage.

It’s these circumstances that bring about difficult behaviors that are often out of a child’s control. What’s more, these behaviors will still appear no matter how well-versed a child is in the consequences. Harsher punishments will not make a dent.

Punishing a child with ADHD for difficult behaviors is ineffective and counterproductive because they don’t have the luxuries of regulating their emotions and behaviors like a neurotypical child would. Punishment only results in them feeling guilty and ashamed for what they couldn’t control. The guilt and shame can turn into frustration, defiance, and emotional outbursts — and they often do.

The true meaning of the word “discipline” is to teach, not to punish. Teaching helps to shape behavior positively so that difficult, impairing behaviors are less of an issue.

So how do we change problem behaviors and teach better ones without punishment?

[ Related Reading: Never Punish a Child for Behavior Outside Their Control ]

Step 2: Be a Detective, Not a Judge

All behaviors serve a purpose. Problem behaviors are representative of an unmet need and, in ADHD’s case, can be due to impulsivity .

Rather than act like a judge and issue punishment to your child after a problem behavior occurs, it is better to put on your detective cap and try to decode the root or cause of the behavior . Determining the unmet need behind your child’s difficult behaviors will give you the chance to meet the need and decrease the chances that the problem behavior occurs again.

Problem behaviors can broadly be divided into two categories:

• Chronic behaviors, which tend to happen at the same time and in the same situations. (e.g. refusing to go to bed or to wake up; temper tantrums after getting off video games.)
• Impulsive behaviors (e.g. your child hitting their sibling or having a meltdown out of the blue.)

The next time a problem behavior occurs, take note of all its surrounding factors and context. You’ll come to find that your child’s most difficult behaviors can be traced back to these common causes:

• They don’t know how to start the task and may not know how to ask for help.
• They don’t understand the task and the finish point. If you tell your child to clean their room, they may not know what ‘clean’ looks like.
• The task is too difficult. If your child is unwilling to do homework, for example, it might be that the work is too challenging, or that there’s too much to work through organizationally.
• They need a transition time. ADHD is associated with time blindness . Telling your child they have five minutes left before stopping their video game is futile. You’ll have to “show” them what five minutes looks like so they can really understand.
• They are overwhelmed with too many instructions and can easily forget multi-step tasks. They will need large projects ‘chunked’ up.
• They could not control their impulsivity.
• They are ashamed of their behavior (especially if they lied).

Avoid assuming that the problem behavior is because your child is lazy, defiant, or because they simply want to “cause trouble.” No one, not even your child, wakes up with the intention of having a bad day.

Step 3: PREP Your Child

Once you’ve truly thought through the causes behind the problem behaviors, you’ll have to PREP your child to replace the bad behavior with a better one, or at least decrease its severity. PREP stands for:

• P eaceful moment: It’s much easier to deconstruct problem behaviors when your child is calm and tensions aren’t running high.
• R equest good behavior: Ask your child open-ended questions to guide them to better behavior. If they are being disruptive during dinner time, for example, calmly ask them to remind you of the family rules. (Do we throw food? Do we interrupt one another?)
• E xplanation from your child: As your child answers your guiding questions, it will reinforce the information in their brain, allowing them to be more mindful of the situation.
• P raise: Notice your child’s efforts toward better behavior and do your best to ignore problem behaviors (so long as they are not dangerous). Your approval and enthusiasm can be a great motivator to your child.

Step 4: PREP Yourself

It’s not easy to keep your cool as your child engages in difficult behaviors. At the same time, if we show them that we are annoyed, frustrated, and dysregulated, we are modeling these behaviors to them.

As parents, we tend to skip checking in with ourselves and making sure we are at our best to handle tough, stressful situations. To be a good behavior detective and undo unhelpful notions of parenting, we need to be level-headed and fully present. We must PREP ourselves, too:

• P ause before you react, and practice mindfulness frequently.
• R echarge often and engage in self-care.
• E valuate situations where your child’s problem behaviors occur before you…
• P roceed with next steps

Step 5: RE-MAP Your Parenting

Once you’ve prepped your child and yourself, you’re ready to RE-MAP what parenting and disciplining your child is really about:

• R egard your child with an unconditional, positive assumption that they want to do well.
• E xternalize misbehaviors. Remember that the behavior is not their fault – it is caused by a brain difference.
• M istake A cceptance. Learn to view misbehaviors as mistakes. Provide your home as a safe place to make those mistakes so that they can be used as learning opportunities to PREP your child about what to expect next time.
• P raise your child often . Children with ADHD field lots of negativity and criticism every day. We may hardly ever stop to notice their efforts to fit into a neurotypical world – because it’s behavior we expect and typically do not reward. Praising your child often, even for the little things, will go a long way.

Re-mapping in Action

How can we use these parenting principles to address common situations at home?

Behavior Problem #1: My child doesn’t want to do their homework

• Check that they have everything they need for the assignment and that they understand what is expected of them.
• Break up the homework to smaller chunks and provide breaks.
• Talk to teachers about reducing the homework amount.
• Prep yourself
• Regard: Assume your child wants to do their homework.
• Externalize: Know that ADHD and other factors make it so that the task is the problem, not your child.
• Mistake Acceptance: If your child doesn’t finish homework even if you’ve prepped them fully, accept this turn of events and move on. Learn from it and collaborate with your child on what might work better next time. Know that this is not the end of the world. (Things rarely are.)
• Praise: Even if your child didn’t finish the assignment, recognize how long they spent working on the task.

Behavior Problem #2: My child refuses to stop playing video games

• Make sure they have clear guidelines around when they should stop playing.
• Build in transition times.
• Use a Time Timer or another visual aid to help your child see the passage of time.
• Understand how video games work. Consider having your child stop after a segment or level attempt is completed as opposed to a specific time.
• Regard: Your child doesn’t want to disobey you – they just really enjoy the video game.
• Externalize: Your child may have trouble stopping due to the dopamine rush he’s getting with the game.
• Mistake Acceptance: If they stopped playing well after you asked them to, ask them what happened and what can be done next time to make the transition off of gaming easier.
• Praise: Even if they didn’t stop at the agreed-upon time, recognize if they were closer to the stop point than last time; if their tantrum didn’t last as long, etc.

Parenting a child with ADHD often involves a full reassessment and overhaul of everything you thought you knew about discipline. In following these steps, remember that it will take time to address problem behaviors, and that there will be mistakes along the way. Prep yourself as best as you can, but don’t be afraid to own up to your errors and apologize to your child and to yourself. At the same time, keep problem behaviors and situations in perspective – a messy room or missing homework is not the end of the world. In the end, it’s most important to create a happy, safe, and supportive environment for your child.

The content for this article was derived from the ADDitude Expert Webinar Discipline with a Twist: How to Manage Challenging Behavior Problems in Children & Teens with ADHD [podcast episode #353]  with Merriam Sarcia Saunders, LMFT, which was broadcast live on May 6, 2021.

Child Discipline: Next Steps

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The ADHD Positive Parenting Guide

For families of Children's Minnesota

Refuses to do homework, related behaviors, what to do:.

Self-Talk. Say to yourself, "I wish my child wanted to do his homework. But I can be calm when he fights doing it. It's his job to do it and mine to encourage his learning how."

Empathy. Tell yourself, "I need to know what my child is thinking and feeling to help him be motivated to do his homework. When I put myself in his shoes, I'll be able to help him better. Sometimes I don't want to do work around the house or on my job, and I always have to figure out why before I can be motivated to do it."

Teach. Tell yourself, "I can help my child learn the SOCS method of problem-solving to help him understand the (S)situation, the (O)options he has for solving the problem, the (C)consequences of choosing each of those options and the (S)best solution. This is a good problem-solving strategy for children to use when they can understand the meaning of these words-situation, options, consequences and solution-- that will be useful throughout their lives.

Make a Daily Routine. Routines are valuable tools that help us all stay organized, so we can get done all the things we need to do. Routines also help to motivate us to get our work done in a focused way. A homework routine, for example, could be: Right after dinner is now a quiet time. All homework will be done during that time. If a child believably claims not to have homework, he can read during quiet time because it is a time when all family members are reading or working on a project.

Make Rules. A simple rule could be: TV and all electronic devices will be off during homework. To enforce the rule, make sure all portable devices are off and are put in a place away from the homework site. A chore rule could be: All chores will be done and inspected before devices can be used or the child can have playtime.

Use SOCS to Support Your Child's Problem-Solving. When your child won't do his homework, talk with him about what he's feeling. Is he upset about something going on in the class? Does he not understand the assignment? Is he worried that his teacher and you expect him to never make a mistake? When you know what the situation is-what your child is thinking and feeling-you can help him understand the options he has for solving the problem, the consequences of choosing each of those options and the best solution. This SOCS method: Situation, Options, Consequences and Solution is a caring, supportive way to build a problem-solving partnership with your child that helps him learn how to be resilient and that he can cope with a problem by thinking it through logically to come up with a solution that works for him.

Check Homework Assignments. As a "family manager", your task is to know what your child's job is, and in this case it's homework. When you know the assignments, you will know whether they have been completed. In addition, you can judge the quality of the homework that has been done. If your child says he has no homework, it's possible to check the school website. Most schools now post homework for each class in each grade. You are not responsible for doing the homework or even knowing what the homework is. But it is important for your child to know that you care and want to know-just as you would share a work project of your own.

Involve Your Child in the Plan. If your child is doing poorly because of incomplete homework assignments, poorly done work, failure to turn in the assignments on time, or any of the other issues that you know are resulting in grades that are below your child's ability, ask him what he plans to do about the problems. If he says, "I'll try harder," don't accept that as an answer. Instead ask, "What's your plan?" and help him pull together a detailed plan to correct the problem: Do all homework immediately after school. Parent checks it. Put it in notebook which goes in the backpack. Turn it in immediately in class. I'll correct my mistakes as soon as I get them." Now, that's a plan. Again, make this your child's plan, not yours. He is responsible for the plan and the work. Here is an example. Ask your child for his ideas!

Check Chore Completion. Most assigned chores have visible proof of completion. Empty wastebaskets are evidence that the trash chore has been done. A made bed shows that making a bed each morning was done. Fun activities are allowed when all chores are done satisfactorily.

Make a Chore Calendar. In order to ensure that children know their chore assignments, a calendar with chores listed could be posted. Monday: Empty Dishwasher, Tuesday: Empty wastebaskets, Wednesday: Vacuum the family room floor, etc. Each child will then check off the chore on that date when completed.

Use Grandma's Rule. You may have noted that in each case we've cited, the child can have his privileges only after work is done, which is the essence of Grandma's Rule. The when-then contract simply states, "when you have done what you are required to do, then you may do what you want to do." You manage your child's access to all of his privileges, such as electronic devices or play activities.

What not to do:

Don't Nag, Beg, Threaten. These won't teach your child how to get work done when it needs to be done.

Don't Punish for Incomplete Homework or Chores. Grounding and other punishments when things aren't done won't teach your child how to get things done. Punishment encourages lying to avoid the punisher-not what you want to teach.

Don't Take on His Responsibility. If you take the responsibility of getting your child's work done, he will never learn to do it himself. Sitting with him to help him finish his homework won't teach him how to take that responsibility. Doing incomplete chores because it's easier than getting him to do them won't help him learn to be responsible.

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The authors and Raised with Love and Limits Foundation disclaim responsibility for any harmful consequences, loss, injury or damage associated with the use and application of information or advice contained in these prescriptions and on this website. These protocols are clinical guidelines that must be used in conjunction with critical thinking and critical judgment.

Blog Post > “My Child Refuses to Do Homework” Here’s How to Stop the Struggle

• “My Child Refuses to Do Homework” Here’s How to Stop the Struggle

Over the past few weeks I have had many frustrated parents in my office discussing issues that they were having with their child refusing to do homework. Most of the parents I talked to described homework taking hours and ending with everyone frustrated and upset. This is a nightly occurrence and both the child and parent struggle with a solution. The following article from www.empoweringparents.com by Janet Lehman, MSW has some helpful hints that might just end this nightly struggle. — Megan Yaraschuk, M.Ed., PCC

“My Child Refuses to Do Homework” Here’s How to Stop the Struggle by Janet Lehman, MSW

Do you get sucked into a fight over homework with your child every night? So many parents tell me that this is one of their top struggles with their kids. If you’re dealing with this now, you probably dread saying the words, “Okay, time to do your homework,” because you know what’s coming next — screaming, stomping, book-throwing and slammed doors. Or it might simply be hours of dealing with your complaining, whining or non-compliant child or teen who just hates to do the work. Even though you reason, lecture, nag and yell, nothing seems to change — and each night turns into a battle with no victors.

Trust me, I get it. I have to admit that dealing with my son’s homework was one of my least favorite experiences as a parent. It felt overwhelming to me; often, I just wasn’t equipped to offer the help he needed. Our son struggled with a learning disability, which made the work and the amount of time required feel unending at times — both to him and to us. My husband James was much better at helping him, so he took on this responsibility — but even with this division of labor, we had to make adjustments to our schedules, our lives and our expectations to make sure our son turned it in on time.

They Don’t Call It “Homework” for Nothing

Here’s something I learned along the way: homework is work, and there’s no getting around that fact. It’s a chore for both the child and parent. It’s important to understand that schoolwork is often the most difficult part of your child’s busy schedule. Helping your kids manage it despite all the other activities they would rather be doing can be challenging at best. Remember that it’s your child’s job to go to school and learn (including getting homework completed) and your job to provide for your kids, run the house and offer love and guidance to your children.

I know from experience how easy it is to get caught up in power struggles over homework. These struggles begin for several reasons, but the most common one is because your child would rather be relaxing, playing, texting with friends, or doing almost anything else. Know that if you deal with their frustration by losing it and getting mad out of your own frustration, it will be a losing battle. Some kids are even able to manipulate parents this way, because they know the battle over homework may result in your giving up on expectations to get it done.

Here’s the truth: letting your child off the hook for their work will ultimately create problems in their lives. Instead, focus on the fact that as a parent, you need to teach your child how to follow through on expectations and be accountable. All the more reason to take control and make homework just another part of your child’s daily responsibilities.

Here’s my advice for reducing homework hassles in your home:

• Try to stay calm : Try to avoid losing your cool and yelling and screaming, arguing about the right answer for the math problem or the right way to do the geography quiz, ignoring the homework altogether or being inconsistent with what you expect, being overly critical, or giving up and just doing the work for your child. The first step is to try to stay as calm as you can. If you get frustrated and start yelling and screaming at your child, this sets a negative tone and is likely not going to help them get the work done.
• Set clear expectation around homework time and responsibilities. Let your children know that you expect them to get the work done on time and to the best of their abilities; the most important thing is that they try their best. Set aside the same time each afternoon or evening for them to do their work. Understand that kids are all different in how they feel about and approach homework. Some may find English easy, but get really frustrated with math. Another may be a science whiz, but have no patience when it comes to writing. It’s important to know your child: their strengths and struggles, and how they learn. Some kids need small breaks throughout a session, while others may need the task to be broken down into smaller pieces and then varied. While there are some children and teens who are self-directed and able to complete homework without assistance, most require some type of guidance and/or monitoring, depending on their age. This makes it especially challenging for parents, because it means you need to perform different functions with each child you have, depending on their needs.
• Have a relationship with your child’s teacher. Try your best to build a good relationship with your child’s teacher. Start off at the beginning of the school year and stay in touch as the year progresses. Your relationship with your child’s teachers will pay off during the good times as well as the challenging times.
• Play the parental role most useful to your child. Some kids need a coach; others need a “monitor,” while others need more hands-on guidance to complete tasks. Try to match your help with what is most needed. Remember also that your child is doing the homework as a school assignment. The teacher will ultimately be the judge of how good or bad, correct or incorrect the work is. You’re not responsible for the work itself, your responsibility is to guide your child. You can always make suggestions, but ultimately it’s your child’s responsibility to do his or her assignments, and the teacher’s job to grade them.
• Keep activities similar with all your kids. If you have several kids, have them all do similar activities during homework time. Even if one child has less homework or finishes more quickly, they need to be respectful of their siblings by doing quiet, non-disruptive activities.
• Set up a structured time and place for homework. Choose a time and place and stick to a routine as much as possible. Consider adding in break times for kids with shorter attention spans. They might work on their spelling words for 15 minutes, and then take a 5 minute break, for example. Offer snacks to keep kids “fueled” for the work. Keep the house generally quiet for everyone during homework time—turn off the TV (or at least keep the volume down). Make sure your kids have a “space” for doing their work. For some kids this will mean a large work space like a kitchen table to spread out their papers and books, and for others it may mean a small quiet area in their room.
• Start early: Start early with your young children setting up “homework” time, even if it’s just some quiet reading time each night. This helps get them used to the expectation of doing some “homework” each night and will pay off as the actual work gets harder and more time-consuming.
• Offer “Hurdle Help”: Some kids need what we call “hurdle help.” Let’s say your child has big test to study for, but can’t seem to get started. You can help out by running through the first few problems, for example, until he gets the hang of it. Or you might brainstorm with your teen to help her choose a topic for the big paper she has to write. You’re not doing the work for them, rather, you’re helping them get going so the task doesn’t seem so daunting.
• Choose the best person for the job: If you are part of a couple, consider that one of you might be better at “teaching” and then let that person take on the homework monitoring responsibilities. It will likely help the routine become more consistent and effective for your child. If you are a single parent, you might have a friend or family member (an older cousin who’s good at math, or a neighbor who’s a writer, for example) who would consider helping your child from time to time.
• Offer empathy and support. If your child is really struggling, give them some support and guidance and show some empathy. Kids are expected to do some difficult work, and your child may sincerely be struggling with it. If you have a child who is really having a hard time, it’s important to have communication with the teacher to see if this is typical for all kids, or if it’s unique to your child. If your child also has these problems in class, know that there are different approaches to helping them learn that can be useful. The teacher may recommend some testing to see if there are learning problems. While this can be hard to hear as a parent – as if something is wrong with your child – it’s important to find out how your child learns best and what your teacher and you can do to support their learning style.
• Use positive reinforcement and incentives: It’s always important to reinforce positive behavior, and that may mean offering some kind of incentive for completing homework or getting good grades. Most kids get personal satisfaction out of getting good grades and completing their work, and that’s what we’re aiming for. But, it’s also helpful to offer some incentives to encourage them. Rather than money, I would recommend offering rewarding activities for your child’s academic successes. This could include going shopping for some “goodie” the child has really wanted, renting their favorite movie and having “movie night” at home, or other ways of spending special time with a parent. These things can become more meaningful than money for most kids and they get to experience their parent in a loving, supportive and reinforcing role.

Most kids will never really “enjoy” homework, and for some it will always be a struggle. Our children all have different strengths and abilities, and while some may never be excellent students, they might be great workers, talented artists, or thoughtful builders. While it would be easier if all children were self-motivated students who came home, sat down and dug into their homework, this just isn’t going to be the case with most kids. As James often said to parents, “We need to learn to parent the child we have – not the child we’d like them to be.” Our role is to guide our children, support them through the challenging tasks, and teach them about personal responsibility.

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Rethinking Punishment: What to Do When Consequences Don’t Work

Dr. Tali Shenfield | August 5, 2020

Modern parenting methods typically revolve around a rigid system of enforcing accountability: If a child behaves well, he (or she) is rewarded. If a child behaves badly, he is punished. In theory, this approach is logical enough; we expect our children to learn that their actions have consequences. Furthermore, we expect this knowledge to help them form a natural aversion to harmful behaviours.

Alas, as any parent knows all too well, this system of consequence-based behavioural modification is anything but fail-safe. Sometimes a child gets “stuck” in a certain behaviour pattern, such as refusing to do his homework or get ready for school in a timely manner, and no amount of punishment will convince him to do otherwise. When confronted with situations like this, most parents believe that they either haven’t found the “right” punishment or they aren’t punishing their child “enough.” Seldom do they ever rethink their basic beliefs about punishment itself. This is a shame, because emerging research shows that punishment may be far less necessary than we think it is.

The above is not to suggest that there will never be times when children need consequences, nor should we give up on encouraging our kids to treat us (and others) with respect and consideration. Instead, it’s merely to suggest that punishment should no longer be our first recourse when we confront problem behaviours.

            When we punish our children, what we really want them to do is learn self-regulation. However, more often than not, the threat of punishment derails the pursuit of self-regulation by inciting conflict. Sometimes these conflicts spiral into such an out of control battle of wills that neither parent nor child models any self-control at all. Instead, both parties just do a great deal of lasting damage to their relationship. Moreover, the kind of chronic behaviour challenges that incite such lasting friction usually result from a secondary cause (such as a learning disability or behavioural disorder) that cannot be effectively treated via punishment. Instead of getting the help they need, children in this situation start to believe they are just “bad kids,” and this deprives them of any motivation to do better.

Even when there is no deeper issue at play and a child does relent and give in to a parent’s demands after a great deal of nagging, he does so begrudgingly rather than willingly. He learns that we behave well because we have to, not because we want to, and this lesson is obviously far from ideal.

            Ultimately, parents must understand that there’s a lot more to learning self-regulation than simply understanding that certain actions have consequences we won’t enjoy. Children, like adults, are much more motivated to behave well when they associate behaving correctly with feeling good (rather than feeling fearful or obligated). Children have an easier time learning self-discipline and self-control when they are given praise, recognition, and appreciation . They are usually more than willing to please a parent who cooperates with them, who plays and works with them, and who does his or her best to repair moments of discord compassionately. In short, when parents are proactive rather than reactive, their children see them as natural—and inspirational—leaders.

            At the heart of proactive and compassionate parenting lies a core skill we often take for granted: Listening. Most children resist consequences because they do not feel “heard.” They feel like their parents aren’t willing to listen to their side of the issue and understand things from their point of view. More harmful still, they feel like their parents do not care. The child who refuses to do his homework, for example, may be struggling with an undiagnosed learning disability , or he may feel like his teacher is mistreating him and giving him an unmanageable workload. Children embroiled in conflict with a sibling often feel like their parents always take the other sibling’s “side” without listening to theirs… etc. In order to dismantle the counterproductive cycle of threat and punishment, parents must first create an environment where kids feel comfortable expressing their feelings .

To do the above, it’s essential to first establish a principle of civil discourse. Children should be allowed to debate issues with their parents, but they should be required to be respectful while doing so. There should be rules against swearing, hurling insults, and yelling, for instance. If the child violates these rules, he should be given a simple and brief consequence, such as being told to go cool down for 15 minutes.

If you live in a household where arguments occur often (and usually escalate), we recommend you begin the limit-setting process by making a rule against swearing. Not because swearing is a mortal sin, but because this rule is simple, easy to remember, and gives defiant kids a manageable starting point for learning self-control and respect. The more basic and literal a rule is, the easier it will be for your child to follow… And from there, you can develop his self-regulation skills until he’s ready to implement other strategies for rational dialogue.

Once good communication is established between parent and child, punishment tends to become less and less necessary. When kids feel “heard” and validated, they are better able to resolve their own feelings and look at their actions objectively. They can then see for themselves where they went wrong and, with a little guidance, they can figure out how to do better in the future.

            Remember: When your child starts to protest or complain, don’t shut him down. Let him know that you’re listening to him and that you’re glad he’s sharing his feelings with you. Once he’s gotten his frustrations off his chest, his rational brain will once again come “online” and you’ll be able to correct any misconceptions he has calmly and effectively.

Note that once you implement this system of open communication, you’ll have to be your child’s best role model. You’ll have to demonstrate what civil discussion looks like, not only in your dealings with your child, but in your dealings with everyone. Children learn how to handle conflict primarily by watching their parents, so you should always strive to embody the skills you hope to teach.

If open and empathetic communication fails to help your child self-regulate, it’s almost guaranteed that there’s a deeper issue present. If you arrive at this juncture, rather than escalating the situation with threats of punishment, it’s best to consult with a trained mental health professional. Getting to the root cause of your child’s behavioural problems with the aid of an unbiased mediator is the only sure way to correct his course.

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What can trigger adhd in adults 6 factors to look out for, should you consider seeking a psychoeducational assessment for your child, how to help your child lose weight and preserve his self-esteem, about tali shenfield.

Dr. Tali Shenfield holds a PhD in Psychology from the University of Toronto and is a licensed school and clinical psychologist. She has taught at the University of Toronto and has worked at institutions including the Hospital for Sick Children, Hincks-Dellcrest Centre, TDSB, and YCDSB. Dr. Shenfield is the Founder and Clinical Director of Advanced Psychology Services.

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Defiant Children Who Refuse To Do Homework: 30 Tips For Parents

• Your child doesn’t understand the work and needs some extra help. It’s possible that your youngster doesn’t want to do his homework because he really needs help.  Also, it can be challenging for moms and dads to accept that their youngster might need help with homework, because there is often a stigma attached to kids who need tutoring. 
• Your child is addicted to TV and video games. Moms and dads often find it very difficult to limit these activities. But, understand that playing video games and watching TV doesn’t relax a youngster’s brain.  In fact, it actually over-stimulates the brain and makes it harder for him to learn and retain information.  Too much of watching TV and playing video games contributes to your youngster struggling with school and homework in more ways than one.
• Your child is exhausted from a long day at school. In the last 10 to 20 years, the needs of kids have not changed, however the pace of life has.  Most moms and dads are busy and have very little down time, which inevitably means that the youngster ends up with less down time too.  He is going to be less likely to be motivated to work when there is chaos all around him.  
• Your child is not sleeping enough. Sleep is one of the most under-appreciated needs in our society today. When a child doesn’t get enough sleep, it can cause him to be sick more often, lose focus, and have more emotional issues. Kids often need a great deal more sleep than they usually get.  
• Your child is over-booked with other activities. Moms and dads want their youngster to develop skills other than academics. Because of this, they often sign-up their youngster for extracurricular activities (e.g., sports or arts).  
• Your child is overwhelmed by your expectations. Moms and dads want their youngster to be well-rounded and to get ahead in life.  Along with this comes getting good grades.  All these expectations can put a lot of pressure on your youngster and may cause him to become burned-out and want to find an escape.
• instructions are unclear
• neither you nor your youngster can understand the purpose of assignments
• the assignments are often too hard or too easy
• the homework is assigned in uneven amounts
• you can't provide needed supplies or materials 
• you can't seem to help your youngster get organized to finish the assignments
• your youngster has missed school and needs to make up assignments
• your youngster refuses to do her assignments, even though you've tried hard to get her to do them
• Do you understand what you're supposed to do?
• What do you need to do to finish the assignment?
• Do you need help in understanding how to do your work?
• Have you ever done any problems like the ones you're supposed to do right now?
• Do you have everything you need to do the assignment?
• Does your answer make sense to you? 
• Are you still having problems? Maybe it would help to take a break or have a snack.
• Do you need to review your notes (or reread a chapter in your textbook) before you do the assignment? 
• How far have you gotten on the assignment? Let's try to figure out where you're having a problem.

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Kids Who Ignore Consequences: 10 Ways to Make Them Stick

By james lehman, msw.

Does your child ignore every consequence you give him? James Lehman can help with 10 specific ways to make consequences work—even for the most resistant child.

When kids are faced with something unpleasant, they’ll often act like it doesn’t matter to them. When your child says, “I don’t care,” or seems unaffected when you give him a consequence , what he’s really saying is, “You can’t hurt me.”

That’s because receiving a consequence makes kids feel powerless. Their sense of self almost requires them to respond by shrugging and saying, “Whatever,” simply in order to feel in control again.

Focus on what you want your child to learn from the consequence—not whether or not he’s going to care.

Personally, I don’t think parents should worry too much when their child appears not to be affected. Instead, I think you should focus on what you want your child to learn from the consequence—not whether or not he’s going to care.

In fact, I think trying to get your child to care is a misdirected goal. Don’t put so much weight on making him “hurt” that you’re not thinking about trying to get your child to learn a new behavior. If your child can stop you in your tracks by saying “I don’t care,” you’re giving him way too much power.

To put it another way, if you’re looking for your child to surrender, forget about it. A consequence is not designed to make your child say, “I’m sorry, Mom, I was wrong.” Rather, it’s there to help your child change his behavior.

Think of it this way. The consequence for not following the speed limit is that you might get a speeding ticket. You may shrug and say, “Whatever,” to the police officer when he pulls you over, but that won’t stop him from giving you that ticket. And if you say, “I don’t care,” he’ll say, “Well, here you go, sir. Have a good day.” He won’t argue with you. He’ll simply hand you the ticket and walk away.

In my opinion, you have to be like that police officer when giving your child a consequence. Don’t get sucked into an argument when your teen says, “I don’t care,” because that argument brings you down to his level—and that’s what he’s looking for. Instead, just say:

“All right, fine, but you’re still going to lose your cell phone for 48 hours.”

Then simply turn around and leave the room.

Again, if you’re trying to get your child to care about the consequence you give him, that’s like trying to get him to like you. You shouldn’t try to control his emotional life. Just say:

“These are the consequences.”

And even if he says he doesn’t care, let him know that he will encounter them again if he breaks the rules.

Here are 10 tips for how to give consequences that work—even when kids say they don’t care.

1. Use Consequences That Have Meaning

It’s almost never effective to give your child a consequence in the heat of an argument. Often, parents will be either too harsh or too lenient, because nothing appropriate comes to mind immediately.

I advise parents to sit down and write a “consequences list.” You can think of this as a menu of choices. When compiling this list, keep in mind that you want the consequence to be unpleasant, because you want your child to feel uncomfortable. It’s also important to think about the lesson you want him to learn—and this lesson should be attached to the consequence.

If, like most teens, your child’s cell phone has meaning for him, don’t be shy about using it as leverage. So let’s say your child curses and is rude to his sister, and you want him to learn how to manage his feelings. I think an effective consequence might be that he would lose his cell phone until he doesn’t curse and isn’t rude to his sister for 24 hours.

In those 24 hours, he might also have to write a note of apology to his sibling stating what he’ll do differently the next time he gets frustrated. If he fails to write the letter, he doesn’t get his phone back—and the 24 hours starts all over again.

2. Don’t Try to Appeal to His Emotions with Speeches

Remember, your job is not to get your child to love his sister or to appeal to his emotions with a speech because all he will hear is, “Your sister looks up to you, blah, blah, blah.”

Your job is to take his phone and say:

“Hey, we talk to each other nicely around here. And if you can’t do that, then you can’t use the phone. We’ll talk about giving it back to you after you talk nicely to your family for 24 hours.”

3. Make Consequences Black and White

When you give a consequence, the simpler you keep things, the better. Again, you don’t want to get into details and long speeches. What you want to do is lay out your consequences for your child’s inappropriate behavior very clearly.

It’s often helpful if he knows ahead of time what will happen when he acts out. The consequences for your child’s behavior should be clear to him. Tell him:

“If you talk nastily to your sister, this is what’s going to happen from now on.”

And whenever you’re going to introduce an idea to your child that may be unsettling, anxiety-provoking, or frustrating to him, do it when things are going well, not when everybody’s screaming at each other. Wait until a calm moment and then lay out the consequences simply and clearly.

4. Talk to Your Child About Effective Problem-Solving

I think it’s vitally important to have problem-solving conversations with your child after an incident has occurred. When things are going well, you can say:

“If you get frustrated with your sister in the future, what can you do differently, other than to call her names? Let’s make a list.”

You might help generate some ideas by saying:

“Instead of calling her names, how about going to your room and listening to some music for a few minutes? Could you do that?”

And try to help your child come up with his own ideas. He might say, “If she follows me around the house, I’ll go to my room.”

You can then say:

“All right, why don’t we try that? For the rest of today, if your sister bothers you, pick one thing that you’re going to do from this list and see if it’s helpful.”

Conversations like these are how you get your child to think about alternative solutions other than yelling at his sister, name-calling, or acting out.

Look at it this way: we all get frustrated, we all get angry, and we all get anxious. But everyone has to learn to deal with those feelings appropriately. And a problem-solving conversation is the most effective way to talk with your child about change.

5. Don’t Get Sucked into an Argument over Consequences

Don’t accept every invitation to argue with your child. Understand that he wants you to get upset so he can drag you into a fight.

Your child also wants to show you that he’s not hurt by the consequence you’ve given him. Believe me, I understand that it’s annoying and frustrating as a parent. Kids will try to push your buttons by saying: “Who cares. Whatever.” But don’t get sucked into it. Just say:

“All right, it’s too bad that you don’t care. That means it’s just going to happen more often.”

Then go do something else. And remember, while you don’t want to get sucked into a power struggle, you also don’t want to destroy your child’s pride by demeaning him. You just want him to stop talking poorly to his sister.

6. Don’t Teach Your Child How to “Do Time”

Many parents get frustrated and ground their kids for long periods of time in order to make the punishment stick. Personally, I think that’s a mistake.

If you simply ground your child, you’re teaching him to do time. And he won’t learn anything new. But if you ground him until he accomplishes certain things, you can greatly increase the effectiveness of the consequence.

I always say to make your consequences task-oriented, not time-oriented. So if your child loses his video game privileges for 24 hours, he should be doing something within that time frame that helps him improve his behavior. Simply grounding him from his video games for a week will just teach him how to wait until he can get them back—not how to behave more appropriately. Many parents believe the key to making consequences effective is to get a bigger hammer, but that’s not a sound teaching method. And it’s ineffective.

Think about it, if you ground him for 30 days and then he does something wrong tomorrow, what are you going to do? Ground him for 40 days? It won’t be effective at that point. And you probably won’t stick to it anyway. You are basically out of grounding ammunition!

But, if you ground him for 24 hours, then if he misbehaves again later in the week, you can ground him again. Again, we want consequences to be learning experiences. A consequence that doesn’t fit the crime will just seem meaningless to your child, and won’t get you the desired result.

Remember, you don’t want to be so punitive that your child simply gives up. And you don’t want to use up all your consequences ammunition all at once. It’s ineffective and doesn’t translate to better behavior. And better behavior IS the goal.

7. Engage Your Child’s Self-interest

Learn to ask questions in ways that appeal to your child’s self-interest. So for example, you might say:

“What are you going to do the next time you think Dad is being unfair so you won’t get into trouble?”

In other words, you’re trying to engage his self-interest. If your child is a teenager, he won’t care about how Dad feels. Adolescents are frequently very detached from the feelings of others, particularly their parents. They might feel guilty and say they’re sorry later, but you’ll see the behavior happen again.

So learn to appeal to their self-interest, and ask him the question:

“What can you do so you don’t get in trouble next time?”

Put it in his best interests. Say to him:

“Understand, if you’re going to talk to your sister meanly or curse at her, things are only going to get worse for you, not better. I know you want to keep your phone, so let’s think of ways for you to be able to do that.”

8. Learn to Know If a Consequence Is Working

Parents often say to me, “My child acts like he doesn’t care. So how do I know if the consequence I’m giving him is actually working?”

I always tell them, “It’s simple—you’ll know it’s working as long as he’s being held accountable.” Accountability gives you the best chance for change.

Think again about the police officer who gives the speeding ticket. Does he actually believe that a single speeding ticket ensures that a driver never speeds again? Of course not. But, the officer knows that if he holds the speeder accountable every time that even the worst offenders eventually learn to slow down.

9. Don’t Take Away Important Events

In my opinion, there are certain things that should never be taken away from kids. For instance, you should never prohibit your child from going to the prom. Not ever. That’s a milestone in your child’s life.

Personally, I think that milestones should not be taken away. Your child is not going to learn anything from that experience. He’s just going to be bitter.

I also believe that sports should not be taken away. I have no problem with kids missing a practice if that’s part of a consequence, but taking away the sport entirely is not a good idea.

10. Don’t Show Disgust or Disdain

When giving consequences to your child, be consistent and firm, but don’t show disgust or disdain.

In my opinion, you should never be sarcastic with your child because it’s wounding. What you’re trying to do is raise someone who can function, not somebody who feels they’re a constant disappointment to you.

It’s very important to shape your behavior so that your child knows you’re not taking his mistakes personally. Remember, the look on your face and the tone of your voice communicates a lot more to your child than your words do. Positive regard is critical for getting your message across.

A Final Thought

I think it’s important to remember that life is really a struggle for many kids. Going to school is difficult, both academically and socially, and there is tremendous pressure on children and teens to perform today.

Personally, I think that kids should be recognized and respected for that. Think of it this way: what you’re really trying to do is work on your child’s behavior to get him to try to do different things.

So if your child misbehaves and you ground him from everything indefinitely, you’re losing sight of all the other things he did right. And he will, too.

Instead, we want to look at inappropriate behavior as a mistake your child makes. Parents often wonder why their kids make the same mistakes over and over, and I say, “Well, they do that because they’re kids. They’re not pretending. They perceive things very differently than adults do.”

We want our kids to learn, so we use the things they enjoy as leverage to teach them better behavior. After all, giving your child a consequence until he shows you he can do better is an effective tool you have at your disposal at all times—even if he tells you he doesn’t care.

Related content: How to Get Your Child to Listen: 9 Secrets to Giving Effective Consequences Ask Parent Coaching: What to Do When Your Child Says “I Don’t Care”

Empowering Parents Podcast: Apple, Spotify

About James Lehman, MSW

James Lehman, who dedicated his life to behaviorally troubled youth, created The Total Transformation® , The Complete Guide to Consequences™ , Getting Through To Your Child™ , and Two Parents One Plan™ , from a place of professional and personal experience. Having had severe behavioral problems himself as a child, he was inspired to focus on behavioral management professionally. Together with his wife, Janet Lehman, he developed an approach to managing children and teens that challenges them to solve their own problems without hiding behind disrespectful, obnoxious or abusive behavior. Empowering Parents now brings this insightful and impactful program directly to homes around the globe.

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I'm on year 24 as a parent. I'm burnt out, completely. I'd like to say I've learned a great deal, but the resounding truth seems to be people are who they are. Not one of my 7 children (24 down to 8) has ever cared about being part of a family, cleaning up after themselves, reaching a goal, or being respectful.

You can give any consequence you like. They do not care. They just ignore you for weeks, months, or days. I am really good at sticking to a consequence. When you tell them they are not to have an item they cherish, they put all their stuff in a pile in the hall. You can call their bluff. They will not request it back. Years could pass. I ended up donating quite a few boxes, when some hit adulthood.

My middle, and younger children are fighters. I hate fighting. My husband is physically ill from all the bickering. We came from that environment, and we like reasonable conversations. We raised them in this normal speaking voice, because shouting and hitting is insane. They won't talk about tweaking their behavior. They just shrug and walk away. One kid is on day 44 of doing absolutely nothing. She has only stated, "I'm not a robot."

I have forgotten why I wanted to be a parent. I was raised around DOZENS of kids. I knew they were gross, whiny, and stubborn. My children take the cake. They have taken weaponized incompetence, and strapped nuclear programming to it.

I don't have extended family support. They are screamers. Plus, my oldest son still pops by to scream at me every couple of weeks.

I have failed miserably. I'm tired of people treating me like a trash can.

My 10 year old was asked on a school project, what I like to do. She wrote, "Clean". Next to mom's hobby's "Clean". What is your mom's job "Clean"

What is your mom's favorite possession? "Vacuum"

I'm an object to my family, even though I spent decades teaching them how to treat people well.

Gavin thanks

None of this worked. My 12 year old isn't allowed on the internet (never has been). He has some games that are online, but no surfing the internet. So, someone at school told him about a youtuber and this game stream he does. The kid made it sound really cool to him and he came home and downloaded youtube to his ps. It's been a constant battle ever since.In the 18 months he's started getting into more and more trouble at school as a result. We tell him no delete the app and take away the ps for a few days (between 2 and 5 days depending on how long it shows he's had it). The same kid tells him we're too over protective and need to get a life.

We've tried just banning the show. taking away the ps. Rewarding him for days he doesn't have the app. Talking to him about why he can't have it. Doing group punishment were his little brother receives the same. Physical punishments. Nothing works...nothing. In just a few days he redownload the app and we start all over. We are now moving into a phase were both child will only be allowed 30 minutes on the ps for the entire day and have to give up their controllers once the time has elapsed, but I dont think this will work either.

Carolyn My son is homeschooled due to anxiety etc at school. He makes friends relatively easily but lately he has not been responding well to parents of other children who give him discipline or consequences (i.e. remove a toy that the kids were arguing over). He literally shuts down and won't More talk to the parent and often the child either, even if I'm present. I'm really not sure what to do about it as I worry that he won't have many friends if he continues this way. As I said we have met several new kids this year already and he is great with them but when something doesn't go his way it goes downhill fast. He responds very well to a reward chart (i.e. points or something for doing things) and step ladders so thinking something like this might work with friendships too but we are currently in the middle of tweaking his behaviour at home which has also been a bit off the rails in the last few months.

Chris After reading this article and comments below this describes my son. He lies non stop about EVERYTHING! He disobeys and does things that he knows is wrong. When asked why he does this stuff all he says is "I don't know." He doesn't stop to think about his actions or More the consequences that come with them. It's like a thought pops in his head and he instantly does it without thinking about it. We just don't know what to do anymore. :(

I agree with most things in this article . I have a 14 year old daughter who is just terrible. She has been physically violent towards me, stollen money from us, ditches class, poor grades, and just defiant. I'm not sure where the line is to give her punishments. Her behavior is unacceptable. I need help. Any suggestions? Mom of 2

I agree with almost everything in this article. We have a very defiant 13 year old, but most of these techniques are very effective. One of my favorites is making them earn back what they lose in the way of privileges with out just "doing time". i.e. He has to clean up his room and keep it clean for so many days if he wants access to a play room where the TV is.

But one that's kind of a "maybe" for me is this one:

"In my opinion, there are certain things that should never be taken away from kids. For instance, you should never prohibit your child from going to the prom. Not ever. "

I sympathize with the reasoning behind this. I really do. A teenager may have a moment of stupid bad behavior, and taking away something like the prom is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity that he would miss out on and never be able to enjoy for the rest of his life.

The problem, however, is that children quickly figure out when certain privileges are "Holy Grails" - they are so important, so once-in-a-lifetime, or so ingrained in the family lifestyle that there is no way they will be taken away. And a truly defiant child will capitalize on this, taking advantage and being a maximum jerk on the eve of these events, because they know they cannot be taken away.

At moments like this, you *must* do away with sentiment and family tradition, and take away the privilege. A defiant kid must know that NOTHING is really ever "off the table" if they are going to push hard enough.

Renae I am having issues with my 10 year old daughter. She was diagnosed with ADHD and cannot seem to get her behavior under control. She is constantly stealing a cell phone or a tablet within the house. We have tried to take away the electronics. She lies about More everything and is too quick to tell a lie rather than to tell the truth. We have tried everything from taking things away all the way to spanking when deserved. Doctor says to talk to a behaviorist for other ideas. But I have a feeling that they are going to tell me to do things that we have already tried.

KimHardly Nice article,

RebeccaW_ParentalSupport AshleyAid I hear you.  It can be so frustrating when you have a child who doesn’t seem to care about consequences or the impact of his actions.  It’s actually pretty normal for https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/kids-and-excuses-why-children-justify-their-behavior/ as a way of avoiding responsibility for their actions.  After all, if it’s someone else’s fault, or More you are just giving him consequences because you’re mean or unfair, then he doesn’t have to change his behavior.  Something else to keep in mind is that consequences by themselves do not change behavior, because they do not teach a child what to do differently.  In order to help your son change his behavior, it could be useful to assist him in developing more appropriate skills.  You might find our article series, https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/why-consequences-arent-enough-part-1-how-to-coach-your-child-to-better-behavior/ and https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/why-consequences-arent-enough-part-2-making-child-behavior-changes-that-last/, helpful as you continue to address your son’s behavior.  Please be sure to write back and let us know how things are going for you and your family.  Take care.

What do I do? my daughter is 6 and was only 6 in July. I have problems with her behaviour at home and the teacher also do at school. She just doesn't listen and she is very angry and negative. I feel so drained and it's effecting us all as a family as her older brother and sister just say why is she like this!!! I have also contacted a family link worker which didn't solve anything. I just don't know what to do.

Kind regards Claire

Clairelcoaker 

I’m sorry to hear

about the challenges you are experiencing with your daughter, and I’m glad that

you are reaching out for support, both here and in your local community. 

It can be very draining when you are around someone who is constantly angry and

negative, and this doesn’t change simply because it is your child.  We

have many articles and other resources which address these topics here on our

site.  Here are some you might find useful to start with: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/defiant-young-children-and-toddlers-5-things-not-to-do/ and https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/negative-children-how-to-deal-with-a-complaining-child-or-teen/.  Please be

sure to let us know if you have additional questions; take care.

I hope you don't mind me responding. I just thought on the off-chance this could help you I couldn't leave it. I have a 9 year old who we have had similar issues with for years. In fact both of your comments struck a chord with me as you could be talking about my son. We have always followed a positive parenting style but we got to the point where nothing was working. I have four kids and it works fine with them. It was tearing out family apart. I recently found out he has the MTHFR gene mutation and very high Pyrolle levels. Since getting his biochemistry right, which we've done through a holistic doctor and naturopath (we are still working on it but 3 months in and we are seeing great changes) we are able to coach and parent him in a positive way and see results, for the first time ever. I can't tell you how much this is changing the dynamics of our family. He is still by far the most challenging in our household but he is SO much better! He still has his massive 'episodes' but they are shorter and fewer. We are re-training him to deal with things and its sticking because he has the ability to process it now.

I don't know if this might help, I really hope it does. Good luck and hang in there mumma xx

Thank you for

responding, and I recognize how stressful it can be when it feels like most of

your interactions with your daughter are either arguments or addressing poor

behavior.  Something that can be helpful is to prioritize all the issues

you are facing with your daughter’s behavior, and only focus on the top one or

two.  In this way, you can prevent becoming overwhelmed, as well as

building some positive interactions with your daughter.  Sara Bean offers

more tips in her article, https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/in-over-your-head-how-to-improve-your-childs-behavior-and-regain-control-as-a-parent/.  Take care.

Thank you so much!

I had no ideia what to do with my son...

 He is driving me nuts. 

You help me so much..

.thank you!

ErickaL My daughter started pushing me around as soon as I took away her phone, and now is demanding it back, even though I am not giving in, she is now threatening me by not wanting to go to school so that I can get in trouble for truancy! That if More she can't have her way, then I'm going down!

You ask a great question. Truthfully, the purpose of a

consequence is to

hold a child accountable for his behavior while also offering him the

opportunity to learn how to make better choices in the future. Therefore, it’s important

to follow through with any consequence once it’s given. With that said, there

may be times when a parent gives a consequence in the heat of the moment that,

in hindsight, may be extreme. In those situations, a parent can go back after

things have calmed down and revisit what the consequence will be. Janet Lehman

gives tips for how to do this in her article https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/child-discipline-consequences-and-effective-parenting/. I hope this helps to

answer your question. Take care.

My 14 year old son acts in the way you describe. He also acts this way with his teachers resulting in him being suspended. If we ground him he leaves the house regardless. He often goes to friends houses where we don't know where they live and the parents are unaware of his behaviour, or In some cases, are led to believe is being mistreated at home. He comes home When he wants.

My wife and I feel totally powerless

My daughter is doing the same thing. She got into trouble and was grounded from her phone and fun. So she just left and I don't know where she goes. No amount of punishment, understanding, talking, etc has helped. She just wants her way, to do what ever she wants.

She blames everything on me.

Mimi My 11yo old is the same exact way! I am over my he's and just don't know what to do anymore. Have you found anything that has helped?

Responses to questions posted on EmpoweringParents.com are not intended to replace qualified medical or mental health assessments. We cannot diagnose disorders or offer recommendations on which treatment plan is best for your family. Please seek the support of local resources as needed. If you need immediate assistance, or if you and your family are in crisis, please contact a qualified mental health provider in your area, or contact your statewide crisis hotline.

We value your opinions and encourage you to add your comments to this discussion. We ask that you refrain from discussing topics of a political or religious nature. Unfortunately, it's not possible for us to respond to every question posted on our website.

• 1. “Why Don't Consequences Work for My Teen?” Here’s Why…and How to Fix It
• 2. “Which Consequence Should I Give My Child or Teen?” How to Create a List of Consequences and Rewards for Children
• 3. How to Discipline Your Child: Effective Consequences for Children Who Don't Listen
• 4. How to Get Your Child to Listen: 9 Secrets to Giving Effective Consequences
• 5. How to Give Kids Consequences That Work
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Natural Consequences: Redefining Punishments for Kids

When you let your child learn from natural consequences, they’re more likely to understand the repercussions of their actions. Here's how to create positive "punishments" for kids.

In days past, "discipline" often meant revoked privileges for poor behavior. Hit your brother? No TV for a week. Didn't do your chores? Forget that trip to the mall. But although classic approaches to discipline can make kids cooperate in the short term, the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) now shows that it's not the best way to teach lifelong lessons and in extreme cases, can actually be harmful.

These days, many experts encourage parents to let their kids experience what they call "the natural consequences of their actions" instead. If your child refuses to wear their jacket, just let them be cold—and they probably won't put up a fight the next time.

Logical consequences entail more adult involvement, but they're also connected to misbehavior: If your child runs out into the middle of the street, they must hold your hand for the rest of your walk. It's this connection that helps your child understand and learn from the repercussions of their actions .

Sounds easy, right? The fact is, ideal corrective consequences can't do the trick every time, but they'll be effective in more situations than you realize. To help both you and your child get accustomed to following natural consequences, here are some tips for learning and accepting.

The Three "Rs" of Natural Consequences

A consequence is most likely to teach a helpful lesson when it's related, respectful, and reasonable, explains Jane Nelsen, Ed.D., author of the Positive Discipline series. Here are the three "Rs" of natural consequences:

Of course, "related" is the opposite of "random." So if your child makes a mess, their consequence should be that they have to clean it up (not that they can't play on your iPad).

" Respectful" means that the consequence doesn't involve shame or humiliation . "Your child already feels bad when they do something wrong," says Dr. Nelsen. "If you say, 'I told you so,' or if you shame them afterward, you'll lessen the potential for learning because they'll stop processing the experience and instead focus on the blame."

" Reasonable" implies that a consequence should be a task your child can handle—given their age and know-how—and that's proportionate to their misbehavior. This will help them concentrate on what they've done rather than on resenting you.

If your 3-year-old is goofing around and knocks over a carton of milk, don't expect them to mop the whole floor by themselves to drive home your point. Instead, wipe up the spill together. If they refuse, put your hand gently on top of theirs and physically do the motion with them, suggests Fran Walfish, Psy.D., author of The Self-Aware Parent .

If they're screaming uncontrollably, you can hold them in your lap after at least part of the mess is cleaned up. When their crying stops and you feel their muscles relax, praise them for being able to calm down and just move on.

An older kid might give you back-talk instead of having a meltdown, but resist the urge to get angry or let them weasel out of things. You can help defuse arguments by mentioning a consequence ahead of time ("I've noticed a lot of gum wrappers around the house. Please put wrappers in the garbage, or the consequence will be no more gum").

When advance warning isn't possible, help them brainstorm solutions for a problem they've gotten into. For example, you might say, "You must be upset that you forgot your project is due tomorrow. I understand that you'd like me to go buy you those materials now, but it's late and I'm not willing to do that. Do you need help figuring out something you can make with the supplies we have?"

4 Ways to Create Effective Consequences for Kids

There is no right or wrong way to let natural consequences to play out for kids, but there are some strategies you can try:

1. Connect natural consequences to tasks

Natural consequences are pretty straightforward if your child has done something they shouldn't have done. However, many parents struggle when their kids fail to do things they should (like chores) and the natural consequence (a dirty house) wouldn't faze them.

"When you tell your child, 'If you don't sort your laundry, then there's no TV,' that's punishment because the connection between doing the chore and watching TV isn't apparent," says Madelyn Swift, author of Discipline for Life: Getting It Right With Children . Plus, the "If you don't ... " phrase makes it sound like a threat, so they'll think the point is to make them pay for not doing what you asked. However, you can turn this into a logical consequence by substituting a "When you" construction: "When you have finished sorting the laundry, then you may watch your show."

By putting it this way, you articulate the principle that you'd probably like your kids to live by: Do what you have to do before doing what you want to do. Your child may end up missing their favorite show that night—and not be able to talk about it with their friends the next morning—but once they've finished their chore, they'll experience the natural consequence of enjoying a fun activity more because there's no chore hanging over their head.

2. Frame privilege as a natural consequence of responsibility

Another mantra to emphasize is that privilege equals responsibility. "Our family's rule is that all toys must be put where they belong by the end of the day, and any toy left lying around is food for the garbage can," says Amy Kertesz, a mom of five kids, ages 4 months to 10 years, in Palmetto Bay, Florida. "My kids know that if they don't take responsibility for their things, the consequence is that they lose the privilege of having them. Only my 3-year-old gets a pass . I'll ask him to put something away rather than just tossing it." (If you'd rather be less rigid you could put toys on a high shelf or in a box in another room and return them when your child demonstrates that they've been cleaning up their other toys.)

This is effective not only for material privileges but also for non-tangible ones: If your child can't handle the responsibility of playing nicely with their siblings, then they lose the privilege of getting to play with them. When they don't speak to you respectfully, they won't have the privilege of being listened to. However, instead of telling them, "Don't you dare speak to me that way!" calmly explain, "I will be happy to discuss this when you are able to talk about it respectfully. You can find me in my room when you're ready."

3. Tell the truth

Parents often overlook the simplest strategy: Tell the truth. For example, if your child has been misbehaving all day and then asks, "Can we go out for ice cream tonight?" go ahead and say what you're thinking: "You know, after the way you've behaved today, I really don't feel like taking you out for ice cream." The lesson? When you do people wrong, the consequence is that they're unlikely to go above and beyond for you.

4. Have a back-up plan

Even with these rules of thumb, there will be instances when "natural consequence" punishments for kids won't work. For example, it won't do much good if your child considers the natural consequence to be no big deal (think tooth decay as a result of refusing to brush their teeth ) or if allowing them to experience a consequence could hurt someone else (you can't let them see how it feels to throw rocks at someone). And searching for a logical consequence usually doesn't make sense when you're in a hurry to get somewhere like daycare.

In fact, parenting author Madelyn Swift says you shouldn't ever search too hard: "If the consequence isn't glaringly obvious, then it's probably not the right strategy." Other examples of strategies that may work when natural consequences won't include:

• Problem-solving
• Redirecting your young child to an appropriate activity
• Family meetings (with kids ages 4 and up)

Remember, natural consequences can be helpful, but they don't have to be the end-all either. "They are just one tool in your discipline toolbox," says Swift. "A hammer is essential to any builder, but he'll need other tools to build a house."

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Consequences for not doing homework???

Discussion in ' Fifth Grade ' started by MsMaggs , Dec 8, 2007 .

MsMaggs Comrade

Dec 8, 2007

Does anyone use any kind of consequences for students who are not doing their homework? I don't give much homework but still only about 3/4 of my kids are doing it. Our class has an economy system and the students earn "money" for doing their homework all week, but that's not enough for some of them. It's so frustrating that ones who really don't need to do the extra practice do their homework consistently, but those who need the extra practice just ignore the homework completely. (And they do just ignore it, I check in with them to make sure it was't too difficult and that they understood it; they just don't want to do it. Agghhh...) :help:  

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Mamacita Aficionado

Dec 9, 2007

Consequences for not doing what the teacher said to do? Zero. Every single time. Zero.  

noreenk Cohort

i used to send a note home every time a child did not turn in or complete a homework assignment. then i got lazy around november. for my students who consistently fail to do homework now (and yup, it's the lowest ones who need the practice the most and who have the least parental involvement... and also the students who tend to work rather slowly), they have to do the assignments during lunch, sitting away from their friends. we rarely have a full recess time so having them work at that time isn't really an option. it's not something i LIKE having them do, but it's helped them catch up so they're not getting zeros every day anymore. they don't get full credit either, though.  

Upsadaisy Moderator

Our kids miss recess until an assignment is completed. We tell them that it is not a punishment, it is an additional opportunity to do the work they are required to do. When I taught 5th, they didn't get anything for doing homework. Now I have 3rd, and they get to give themselves a check on a homework chart. After about 50 checks, they get to pick something from a goodie box.  

sweidl Rookie

If a student misses even ONE homework assignment during the week, they don't get recess on Friday afternoon. I give them a written assignment (something fun like copying from the dictionary) that they must complete. I've recently started doing this and it has worked really well. They don't like being left out of recess. I too was having problems having students turn in their homework, and a co-worker suggested this to me.  

giraffe326 Virtuoso

Hmmm.... I didn't think of copying from a dictionary. My punishments are limited. We can not take away recess for any reason. I typically follow with my grade level and assign silent lunch. If it is several assignments, I might require them to walk for recess. However, I still have a large problem. On Wednesdays I have always had this 25 minute block of time in between lunch and music. They do not come back to me, so we have to get agendas ready and back packs packed, which takes about 10 minutes. That leaves me with 15 minutes. Last week, I had an epiphany! I bought the Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader? game. Those who have missing assignments or a grade lower than a C (which is 76% and below in my district) get extra work while the others play the game. Last week was the first week and the 16 (out of 22) kids that COULDN'T play were staring. I told them to turn around and if they wanted to play the game, they had to do their work and get their stuff in ON TIME. Hopefully, I will have more than 6 playing this week!  

Mr.S New Member

Dec 10, 2007

Positive Reinforcement I had that problem at the beginning of my student teaching. My mentor and I worked together to solve that issue. We have a race track. Each students has a flag. They move their car when they do ALL their homework. We have 7 teams. If one team does all their homework, then they move their car two spots up. If they finish the race track by Friday, then they get rewards. We have different rewards such as computer time, help the teacher. They love that. I've seen that they are more responsible now. I will try to take a picture of our race track and post it here so you will have a better idea.  

ms_teacher Companion

Dec 11, 2007

Mr.S said: ↑ I had that problem at the beginning of my student teaching. My mentor and I worked together to solve that issue. We have a race track. Each students has a flag. They move their car when they do ALL their homework. We have 7 teams. If one team does all their homework, then they move their car two spots up. If they finish the race track by Friday, then they get rewards. We have different rewards such as computer time, help the teacher. They love that. I've seen that they are more responsible now. I will try to take a picture of our race track and post it here so you will have a better idea. Click to expand...

knitter63 Groupie

Dec 13, 2007

My 5th grade team has assignment books. If a student doesn't complete a homework assignment, I circle it in pen. (students must write only in pencil in their AB) Three circles by Friday, and they serve a 30 minute detention. (at the end of the day) Those who earn a reward get to watch a movie, or have extra recess. The student is expected to do the circled assignment and put it in my late box. Until I receive it, it is a zero in my grade book.  

BabyMakes3 Rookie

Dec 30, 2007

My kids have responsibility logs. When they miss an assignment, they have to record it and record WHY it's missing. This goes home every Friday and is signed by parents. After the 3rd offence, they lose recess. 4th is a note home (and no recess) & after that it's a phone call home (and no recess that day) ever time they miss something. Works well for most of the kids. And no homework = no grade.  

teacher333 Devotee

Dec 31, 2007

We have a notebook which is carbon copied, for each missing HW assignment we keep the copy and the original gets stapled to their assignment pad to be signed by a parent. We also offer a Quiet Study room held during their 1/2 hour recess where they must go to finish whatever was not done the night before. Depending on how many times this has happened, they can either go out for recess when the work is completed, or sit in the library where Quiet Study is held for the remainder of the 1/2 hour. Our Media Specialist supervises this as part of his assigned "duties" instead of lunch duty or bus duty. Three missed HW assignments and a call gets made to home.  

Grammy Teacher Virtuoso

I don't understand MsMaggs said: ↑ Does anyone use any kind of consequences for students who are not doing their homework? I don't give much homework but still only about 3/4 of my kids are doing it. Our class has an economy system and the students earn "money" for doing their homework all week, but that's not enough for some of them. It's so frustrating that ones who really don't need to do the extra practice do their homework consistently, but those who need the extra practice just ignore the homework completely. (And they do just ignore it, I check in with them to make sure it was't too difficult and that they understood it; they just don't want to do it. Agghhh...) :help: Click to expand...

I agree with you 100%! But our parents are in denial - that's what next year, 6th grade is for! (Hey, Grammy Teacher, I was just reading in another thread you were "missing" - glad to see you back!!)  

Hi teacher 333! I didn't think anyone would notice! Anyway, I'm glad I don't have to deal with the homework issues in Pre-K.  

chicagoturtle Fanatic

Grammy Teacher said: ↑ Hi teacher 333! I didn't think anyone would notice! Anyway, I'm glad I don't have to deal with the homework issues in Pre-K. Click to expand...

In all my years of teaching Pre-K, only one time did a parent ask me to send homework. I almost laughed in her face. I said, "Are you KIDDING?" She WAS serious!  

We send home Virtual Pre-K kits sometimes (since CPS created them- we get them for free) but they are more like spend time with your child doing this activity and they are creative and all the kits come pre-assembled from downtown for us. I am not sure how it works for other districts, but I know CPS sells it to other schools to get the funds for the program. I've been happy with them, but really they only do 2 activities a year. We get a pretty good response from them (at least we did at my old school).  

shouldbeasleep Enthusiast

Jan 1, 2008

Every year I have to figure out what works for that class, and then of course there are the few that don't fit into that year's plan! I've got one this year who doesn't return notes about no homework being done, whose parents (when I do get their attention) say what I want to hear with no follow through, and who could care less about getting any kind of reward or getting a big fat zero. He stares at me blankly when I tell him to do it at lunch at the silent table or I break school rule by telling him to do it at recess. And, of course, he's behind in math and reading. Peer pressure worked for awhile--the group he was in earned points if everyone did they're homework. But now everyone in the group complains (and rightly so) if he's in their group because he doesn't care. By the way, peer pressure tactics, while seen as cruel by some teachers of younger grades, consistently work for me from year to year. They sure can glare at someone in their group who didn't get their work done. And the side benefit is that I don't have to say a word. The glowering is good enough, and the rewards of being a part of a "sucessful" peer group puts smiles on their faces. But this one kid..... His parents finally put him in the afterschool program (I guess they want babysitting at a reduced cost) and now I can track down the disciplinarian in charge of it and she stands over him while he does his homework. No real answer for his lack of concern, though. I hope the sixth grade teachers in the middle school have an answer. I also hope they squish his little....never mind. I'll stop.. Go get coffee...the thought of me struggling with him is ruining my vacation....and, you know what?, the bugger gave me a gift card for Christmas to a movie chain that I can't use unless I drive into Atlanta (an hour away). How did he do that? Where did he get it? Yeah, yeah, I'm grateful for the gift. But I'm also cynical. I think he did it on purpose.  

dianejw Companion

May 4, 2008

One of the best ideas I have heard for students not completing homework assignments is to assign them an after-school study detention. It works like a charm. Parents do not like having to pick their child up after school every night so they take a more active role in making sure their child is completing their work. Also, our school does not allow us to give zeroes for students not completing work as it is not a true reflection of what the child knows or doesn't know. Therefore that is not even an option for us and most of the time it would not even be a good consequence for those children because grades do not seem to matter to them. However most fifth graders do not want to give up their free time after school to make up homework. They realize quickly that they would much rather complete the homework on time.  

kermy Companion

May 7, 2008

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By: Sara Ipatenco

05 December, 2018

If you've gotten yet another call from your child's school reporting that he's forgotten his homework, you're probably out of patience.

Whether your child is forgetful or just doesn't want to do his homework, he needs to get it done anyway. A few creative punishments might be just the motivation he needs to get himself in gear and do his homework on time.

Natural Consequences

Instead of yelling at your child when he's, once again, forgotten his homework, let him experience the natural consequences of not turning it in on time. Elementary teachers might take away recess time and high school teachers might require the student to do an extra assignment as a punishment for being late. A poor grade is another example of a natural consequence.

When your child gets the punishment and is upset, remind him that it's his job to do his homework on time. Once he realizes that he has the power to avoid natural consequences, he might be more likely to buckle down and get his homework done.

Home Homework

Why Do Toddlers Laugh When Disciplined?

If your child keeps forgetting her homework, create additional assignments that she has to do on top of her usual assignments. Make the assignments boring, such as writing the numbers one through 100 as neatly as possible or making a list of 26 adjectives -- one that starts with each letter of the alphabet. If your child knows she'll have even more work to do if she doesn't get her homework done, she might be more likely to get it done on her own. You might use unpleasant chores instead of written work, too, according to the Focus on the Family website.

If she doesn't get her homework done on time, ask her to wash the floor or wipe all of the doorknobs in your home. The more boring the chore, the more likely she is to get her school work done on time the next time around.

Reward System

Establish an incentive program to motivate your child to do his homework, the National Association of School Psychologists suggests. You might give him a point each time he turns his homework in on time. After he gets a certain number of points, he can exchange them for a prize. The punishment comes in when he doesn't do his homework.

If you're handing out points, perhaps he doesn't get one if he fails to do his homework or you might even take a point that he's already earned if his work isn't done on time. Not getting the reward is often plenty of incentive for a child to get busy and get his school work done when he's supposed to.

Make Her Pay

How Long Should You Leave a Toddler in a Crib When Awake?

Making her pay might sound ominous, but it simply means she has to give you some of her spending money each time she fails to get her homework done. You can choose how much to charge, such as $1 for an assignment that was a day late, $2 if it was two days late or $5 if your child just didn't do the homework at all. The amount you charge depends on how much allowance your child gets.

If she isn't motivated and you've taken all of her money already, make her work off what she still owes you by doing jobs around the house. The first time she isn't able to buy something she really wants, she'll probably reconsider doing her homework the next time around.

Related Articles

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• National Association of School Psychologists: Homework: A Guide for Parents

Sara Ipatenco has taught writing, health and nutrition. She started writing in 2007 and has been published in Teaching Tolerance magazine. Ipatenco holds a bachelor's degree and a master's degree in education, both from the University of Denver.

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How to Punish a Teen Who Doesn’t Care About Consequences

Teen punishment is a disciplinary method aimed at correcting teenagers’ misconduct, ranging from grounding and loss of privileges to more severe forms like corporal punishment. However, effectiveness is debated and punishment might foster fear, anger, and resentment rather than teaching positive behavior. Continuous application of punishment can obscure natural consequences, impede cognitive learning, and prompt emotional stress responses, ultimately hindering teenagers from understanding cause-and-effect relationships.

The alternative approach suggests helping teenagers recognize and care about natural consequences. This involves setting clear limits, explaining the reasoning behind rules, and allowing teens to experience the natural results of their actions when safe. Supporting emotional regulation, offering guidance on alternative behaviors, and maintaining a positive relationship are strategies that aim to instill an intrinsic understanding of right and wrong, rather than a fear of punishment.

For teenagers who are out of control, professional help is advised, but in cases of general unruliness, improving the parent-teen relationship is key. Addressing academic underperformance, for example, calls for understanding the underlying issues rather than punishing bad grades, which could exacerbate stress and hinder learning.

Motivating teenagers requires fulfilling their basic psychological needs for relatedness, autonomy, and competence. Addressing amotivation may involve understanding social stresses and offering support. When dealing with lying, fostering an environment of trust and understanding the root causes is more effective than punishment.

Table of Contents

What is teen punishment?

Teen punishment is a disciplinary consequence given to teenagers in response to their misconduct to prevent it from happening again. The consequence often involves subjecting the teen to an adverse experience of physical or emotional pain or withdrawing privileges or possessions that the teen values.

Teen punishment doesn’t have to be applied every time to create an effect. The threat of punishment is often enough to alter a teen’s behavior. The goal is that the teenager will learn to think twice before breaking a rule or acting inappropriately and abandon misbehavior to avoid punishment.

What are the types of teen punishment?

Here are 7 types of teen punishment

• Grounding : Restrict the teen from leaving home or participating in social activities.
• Loss of privileges : Remove certain privileges, such as access to electronic devices, internet, car usage, or family trips.
• Additional work : Assign extra household chores as a form of restitution.
• Reparations : Require the teen to make amends for their behavior, such as apologizing, fixing things they broke, or buying replacements.
• Corporal punishment : Physically punish with spanking.
• Verbal reprimands : Scold or yell at the teen.
• Humiliation : Publicly shame the teen for their inappropriate behavior.

What are good punishments for teens 13-17 year olds?

There are no good punishments for teens because punishments tend to lose effect when used repeatedly. The goal of discipline is to teach teens proper behavior. However, no one likes to learn from someone who constantly punishes or threatens to punish them. Applying negative consequences is not an effective way to teach positive behavior.

Punishment teaches teens to fear the punishment and the punisher. It triggers anger and resentment, diverting teens’ attention from learning prosocial behavior. Even though punishment may work when the child is younger, it tends to stop working as the child grows and learns to ignore the consequences.

Why do you claim that punishment doesn’t work when society relies on it to deter crime?

Punishment for criminals is necessary to protect the public as long as people commit crimes.

The assumption that punishment must be effective because our society depends on it needs to be re-examined. Despite punishment is necessary, its effectiveness is questionable, as evidenced by the overcrowded state of our prisons. Prison operational capacities are between 68.3% and 119% in the United States, according to a study published by the University of Nebraska Omaha using data from the Bureau of Justice Statistics’s Prisoners in 2019 report.

The persistence of crimes, which would not occur if punishment were truly effective, suggests that punishment has not been successful in deterring criminal behavior.

In society, some people do good deeds because they believe it is the right thing to do, while others only refrain from wrongdoing to avoid incarceration. These are two types of people raised with different moral values. As a parent, you must decide what moral principles you wish to instill in your children – an intrinsic sense of right and wrong or fear of punishment.

Why does my child not care about consequences?

Your child most likely doesn’t seem to care about consequences because that’s the best option they feel they have. 

Many reasons could have resulted in this choice.

One possible reason is that constant punishment stops your teen from seeing the natural outcomes. Your teen is too busy fighting with you or dealing with the feelings triggered by the punishment to process the natural repercussions in their mind.

Another potential reason is the chronic stress from the fear of punishment prohibits their learning using their cognition, i.e., “the thinking brain”, according to many scholarly findings, such as a 2016 study published in the European Journal of Neuroscience. 

Normally, areas like the prefrontal cortex and hippocampus help us learn by consciously remembering the details of an experience. However, our brain shifts to rely more on the emotional-based amygdala and dorsal striatum under stress. Over time, this reflexive change weakens cognitive memory while boosting the emotional-based memory system, making it harder for teens to think and learn. Therefore, the more punishment there is, the more the ability to understand cause-and-effect relationships will be diminished.

How to punish a teenager who doesn’t care about consequences

To effectively discipline a teenager who doesn’t care about consequences, help them see the right consequences. The right consequence is something your child genuinely cares about, not something they fear.

Here are 11 steps to discipline a teenager when punishment doesn’t work.

• Teach what “consequence” means : The essence of discipline is to teach children that they will get one type of result if they make one choice and another result if they make another choice. Teenagers make better decisions when they know the actual cause and effect and their options.
• Stop punishing : “Either you do what I tell you to or get punished” does not offer options; it only offers a threat leading to a forced decision. Threats and options carry different meanings and lead to different learning for the child.
• Set limits and explain pros and cons : When setting limits, focus on why the limits are necessary. Explain the different outcomes of different actions, not just the negative outcomes of undesired actions. Understanding why desired actions lead to good outcomes helps teenagers make better decisions.
• Use natural consequences when appropriate : Natural consequences are most effective in teaching when the issue is not health or safety-related. Remind them if they are about to do something that will bring bad consequences. Ask them if they are ready to face the results. If they are adamant about it, let them experience it (e.g., “If you stay up late and cannot wake up for school on time, you may get a detention for being late. Do you accept that?”)
• Use logical consequences for health or safety issues : If health or safety is in imminent danger, take steps to protect. For example, if your teen taunts the dog, take it away. Not being able to play with the dog is the natural consequence of you protecting the child and the dog, not a punishment.
• Stay on their side : After your teen has dealt with the natural consequences, there’s no need to pile on the pressure. Your child probably feels bad enough as it is without you. You don’t need to accept or agree with their action but empathize with their feelings. Support them emotionally to teach emotional regulation so you become a teacher, not an enemy.
• Help them develop emotional regulation : Teens may act out when they are overwhelmed by emotions. Coach them to recognize and name their feelings to help them develop self-regulation.
• Teach them alternative behavior : Your teen may not know how to act otherwise. Help them develop appropriate responses.
• Teach them how to reflect : People make mistakes. The most important thing is to learn from the mistake so it won’t be repeated. Teach your teen how to reflect on their role and prevent future mistakes.
• Repair relationship : People learn better from those they have a positive connection with. If punishment has been your method of motivating your teen, repair the relationship.
• Be a good role model : Walk the walk. If you want your child to be kind to others, they need to receive kindness from you to learn it. If you want your teen to be respectful, treat them with respect.

How can a teenager learn if there is no punishment?

A teenager can learn without punishment because no punishment doesn’t mean there are no consequences. Natural consequences teach teenagers the direct outcomes of their behavior, enabling them to see the actual cause-and-effect relationships. This understanding helps teens develop critical thinking and improve their decision-making.

In addition, no punishment doesn’t mean there is no guidance. You can discipline through patient teaching, explaining, and mentoring. Learning to recognize how their actions affect the outcomes or others is a more powerful lesson than experiencing an unrelated pain inflicted by parents. 

In addition, grasping the impact on others fosters the development of empathy, while punishment only breeds anger and resentment.

Punishment undermines trust, preventing teens from seeking guidance from their parents. Without trust and open communication, teens hide problems rather than seek help and learn from parents.

How to punish a teenager for not listening

To discipline a teenager and have them listen to you, become the person they want to listen to. People tend to care about and listen to those they feel connected to. Having a close parent-child relationship is a prerequisite to a positive connection.

Here are 7 tips for building a good relationship.

• Be kind : Being kind doesn’t mean you let your child walk all over you. You can be kind and firm. State your boundaries while staying kind.
• Be warm, sensitive, and responsive : Responsive parenting helps teens develop secure attachments associated with better teen outcomes. A 2009 intervention study published in the Journal of Adolescence involving 309 parents indicated responsive parenting resulted in reduced reactivity and hostility and better parent-child relationships.
• Make amends : If your relationship has been tense, talk it out and repair the relationship. Talk to your teenager about your use of punishment before and why you change now. Listen to their point of view regarding the new rules. Ask for their cooperation to make this new arrangement work.
• Make rules for their well-being : Rules and limits make more sense when they are set to protect people you care about. A curfew exists for safety reasons, as being out late is risky. Study requirements are in place because education promotes their development and future success. Show that your rules are here to protect your family. Help your teenager understand that rules are created out of love, not a desire to control.
• Plan for mistakes : This new way to discipline isn’t magic that can transform your teen overnight. Your teenager will still make mistakes. Talk to them and plan for what to do when that happens.
• Listen : Be an empathetic listener, and don’t give unsolicited advice. Teens may complain about things, but they don’t necessarily want advice. They are still learning to deal with their developing identity and fluctuating emotions. Give them support and space to sort it out.
• Spend quality time together : It’s more about the quality than the quantity. Given that teens can have mood swings, time dedicated to helping them with emotional regulation is invaluable. This time is not “wasted dealing with moody teens”; it is a good investment in your teen’s emotional health.

How to punish an out-of-control teenager

To deal with a teenager who is completely out of anyone’s control, including themselves, professional help is necessary. Contact a mental health professional, such as a therapist or psychologist, as soon as possible. 

However, if a teenager is only unruly and won’t listen to you , it is more of a relationship problem between you and the teen. Relational problems can only be made worse by punishment.

Here are 5 tips for dealing with a troubled teenager.

• Stop trying to control them : Instead, try to influence them. When you have a good relationship with your teen, you can significantly influence their behavior.
• Find out the underlying reason : Every behavior has a motivation, which is rarely, if ever, a lack of punishment. You can only find a genuine solution when you understand the issue. Punishing indiscriminately as a quick fix doesn’t resolve the root cause. Rather, engage in calm conversations with them, reach out to their teachers for insights into school-related problems, seek advice from other parents for hints, and pay close attention to their behaviors and emotional state to gather additional information.
• Improve your relationship : Follow the steps above to improve your relationship with your teen so they will be more likely to listen to you.
• Teach patiently : Show your love through your patient guidance.
• Seek professional help : Consult your child’s pediatrician or a psychologist for help.

How to punish a teen for bad grades in school

Punishment makes a teen feel bad about failing in school, but it doesn’t help them get good grades because the stress from punishment prevents them from focusing and learning effectively.

Here are tips on how to help a teenager with bad grades .

• Open communication : Express your concern and explain to your teen why their education matters. Education is about their development and future. Help them understand the importance of studying and the potential consequences of poor academic performance in a calm and supportive way.
• Struggling to grasp the material – need tutoring.
• Finding the subject boring – need help in developing motivation for kids.
• Not having enough time to study – need time management help.
• Feeling distracted in class – evaluation for ADHD may be necessary.
• Difficulty hearing the teacher – screening for hearing issues is recommended.
• Trouble seeing the board – vision testing is advised.
• Experiencing bullying – support for ensuring safety at school.
• Conflict with friends – need to learn conflict resolution.
• Feeling depressed – professional medical consultation.
• Collaborate on a solution : Work together to develop a plan to address the identified problems.
• Offer support and resources : Provide your teen with tools and assistance to implement the solution. This may include tutoring, study skills workshops, time management techniques, or professional help for mental health or learning difficulties.
• Monitor progress : Regularly check in with your teen to ensure they follow the plan. Offer support and encouragement.
• Nurture your relationship : Prioritize maintaining a strong, positive relationship with your teenager. Show them you are there to support and guide them, not to control or criticize them.

Should I punish my teen for bad grades?

No, don’t punish your teen for bad grades. Punishment does not help your child identify or solve the underlying problem. Helping your teen improve their grades is a collaborative effort that requires patience, understanding, and open communication.

How to motivate a teenager who doesn’t care

The three universal psychological needs that can lead to intrinsic motivation in teenagers are relatedness, autonomy, and competence, according to the Self-Determination Theory (SDT), formulated by Edward Deci (Edward L. Deci) and Richard Ryan (Richard M. Ryan).

• Relatedness is feeling connected to others, cared for, and caring for others. 
• Autonomy is being self-directing and having the freedom to make their own choices. 
• Competence is feeling effective and experiencing achievement.

Strive to provide these three elements to motivate teens. Here are some examples of motivating through fulfilling these basic psychological needs.

• Improve your relationship : When your teen feels connected with and close to you, they listen to you more and care about what you care about.
• Give autonomy : Become an autonomy-supportive parent by providing space and freedom for them to work at their own pace.
• Help them build competence : Help your teen find activities they enjoy and become good at to build a sense of mastery and self-sufficiency.

How to motivate a teenager who doesn’t want to do anything

To motivate a teenager who seems uninterested in doing anything , address the underlying issues that affect their motivation. Social stress from peer pressure, pubertal changes, peer rejection, and victimization can contribute to a teenager’s lack of motivation. Parents can support their teenagers by allowing autonomy, lending a sympathetic ear, monitoring their social circle non-intrusively, and tackling problems in their learning environment, such as issues with teachers or bullying.

By addressing the underlying issues and allowing teenagers to control their lives within reasonable boundaries, they are more likely to become motivated to engage in everyday activities.

However, if you suspect depression is the cause of amotivation, seek help from your child’s physician immediately.

How to punish a teenager for lying

Dealing with a teenager’s lying involves understanding the root cause and fostering an environment of mutual trust rather than imposing harsh punishments. Here are 7 tips on effectively handling lying by teens.

• Do not punish, as lying to avoid punishment is a natural self-preservation instinct. To prevent your teen from lying, eliminate this incentive for them to do so.
• Call out the lie calmly, avoiding accusatory tones to prevent further dishonesty.
• Identify the underlying reasons to prevent more lying. If there is no punishment, explore other factors driving their lies, such as the desire for autonomy, fear of disappointing others, peer pressure, or the need to protect their privacy.
• Redefine boundaries to align with the teenager’s growing need for autonomy. Review family rules and parental authority.
• Support the teenager’s autonomy by treating them with respect and acknowledging their feelings and needs to reduce the likelihood of lying.
• Strengthen the parent-child relationship, as a positive relationship decreases the tendency for teenagers to lie.
• Seek professional help if lying is associated with deeper issues such as mental health problems or risky behaviors.

Do you have kids?

Yes, I (the author) am blessed with a wonderful daughter. When readers come across my parenting advice, they commonly assume I don’t have children. However, I personally apply all the techniques discussed in my work. They are tried and true strategies. My daughter does well in school, and I’ve never received negative feedback from her teachers.

Are you just lucky and have an easy kid?

No, I wouldn’t say I’m particularly lucky, and my kid is far from easy. She threw so many tantrums in her toddler years that they motivated me to extensively research the topic and eventually write a book about managing toddler tantrums.

Through my child development studies, I’ve gained a deeper understanding and appreciation for the natural progression of a child’s growth . I have become significantly more patient with my daughter. Her occasional slip-ups don’t bother me because they are a natural part of development. 

Rather than focusing on the mistakes, I emphasize the learning opportunities they provide. What matters is that when my child makes a mistake, she learns from the experience and makes an effort to avoid repeating it.

My daughter’s positive behavior is not a matter of luck but a collective effort to create a supportive home environment. It’s about patience, a commitment to understanding child development and encouraging learning from life’s inevitable challenges.

References For How To Punish a Teen

• 1. . State Prison Overcrowding and Capacity Data. UNIVERSITY OF NEBRASKA OMAHA. Published March 2024. https://doi.org/https://www.unomaha.edu/college-of-public-affairs-and-community-service/governing/stories/state-prison-overcrowding-and-capacity-data.php
• 2. Schwabe L. Memory under stress: from single systems to network changes. Bolam P, ed. Eur J of Neuroscience . Published online November 25, 2016:478-489. doi:https://doi.org/10.1111/ejn.13478
• 3. Moretti MM, Obsuth I. Effectiveness of an attachment‐focused manualized intervention for parents of teens at risk for aggressive behaviour: The Connect Program. Journal of Adolescence . Published online September 18, 2009:1347-1357. doi:https://doi.org/10.1016/j.adolescence.2009.07.013

Disclaimer: The content of this article is intended for informational purposes only and should not be considered medical advice. Always consult your healthcare provider for medical concerns.

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The ‘Orgasm Gap’ Isn’t Going Away for Straight Women

A new study suggests they still have fewer orgasms during sex than men do, even with age and experience.

By Catherine Pearson

Sex researchers and therapists have long known that women in heterosexual relationships tend to have fewer orgasms than men do. A large new study suggests that this “orgasm gap” persists — and does not improve with age.

The Numbers

The research, published recently in the journal Sexual Medicine, found that across all ages, men of all sexual orientations reported higher orgasm rates during sex — from 70 to 85 percent — compared with 46 to 58 percent for women. Lesbian and bisexual women between ages 35 and 49 reported higher orgasm rates than their heterosexual counterparts.

The analysis included data from eight Singles in America surveys, which are funded and conducted by Match.com annually in collaboration with The Kinsey Institute, the sexuality and relationships research program at Indiana University. The sample included more than 24,000 single Americans between the ages of 18 and 100.

Researchers were especially interested in the question of whether orgasm rates vary by age. Amanda Gesselman, a research scientist with the Kinsey Institute and lead author on the study, said she thought the team might find evidence that the orgasm gap narrows as women develop confidence and learn what they like (and, perhaps, their partners develop skills to help pleasure them).

However, while older gay and bisexual men and lesbian women did have higher orgasm rates, “we really didn’t see evidence of closing the orgasm gap overall,” she said, adding that she hopes future studies will explore the age-orgasm connection further.

“We really, as a society, sort of prioritize men’s pleasure and undervalue women’s sexual pleasure,” Dr. Gesselman said. “And I think that contributes to consistent disparities.”

The Limitations

Emily Nagoski, a sex educator and author of the book “Come Together” — who did not work on the new study — said a limitation of the study was that the survey asked: “When having sexual intercourse in general, what percentage of the time do you usually have an orgasm?” But it did not provide a more specific definition of what “sexual intercourse” means.

Research shows the majority of women require some form of clitoral stimulation in order to orgasm. So if straight women defined “sexual intercourse” as vaginal penetration alone, it makes sense that there was a significant gap in orgasm rates, she said.

A more revealing question might be, “What percentage of the sex you have do you like?” Dr. Nagoski said. “Orgasm is not the measure of a sexual encounter. Pleasure is the measure of a sexual encounter.”

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