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These Common Phrases Said to Kids Are Actually Problematic

When it comes to talking with our kids, it's all too easy to slip into common phrases like "practice makes perfect" or "you're okay." But it turns out that not all of those go-to sayings are the most helpful. And while it might be impossible to never say these things to your child, it can be beneficial to know why those phrases aren't the most productive thing to hear.

Read on for 10 common sayings that may do more harm than good, why you should avoid saying them to your child, and what to say instead if you want to raise a happy child .

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"Great Job."

Research has shown that tossing out a generic compliment like "Good girl" or "Way to go" every time your child masters a skill makes them dependent on your affirmation rather than their own motivation, says Parents advisor Jenn Berman, PsyD, author of The A to Z Guide to Raising Happy, Confident Kids . This is known as the self-deflation hypothesis which theorizes that excessive praise sets unrealistic standards and eventually lowers the child's self-esteem .

Instead of providing excessive and vague positive feedback whenever your child accomplishes something—save the kudos for when they're truly warranted and be as specific as you can. Being specific can help them realize For example, instead of "Super game," you can say, "That was a nice assist. I like how you looked for your teammate."

"Practice Makes Perfect."

While it's typically true that the more time your child devotes, the sharper their skills will become. The adage can also ramp up the pressure they feel to win or excel. "It sends the message that if you make mistakes, you didn't train hard enough," says Joel Fish, PhD, author of 101 Ways to Be a Terrific Sports Parent .

Instead, encourage your child to work hard because they'll improve and feel proud of their progress. They should focus on incremental milestones instead of perfection. For example, try saying " practice the piano so you can finish learning that song you love."

"You're Okay."

When your child scrapes their knee and bursts into tears, your instinct may be to reassure them that they're not badly hurt. But telling them they're fine may only make them feel worse. " Your kid is crying because they are not okay," says Dr. Berman.

In that moment you can best help your child by showing them how to understand and deal with their emotions, not discount them. Try giving them a hug and acknowledging what they're feeling by saying something like, "That was a scary fall." Then ask whether they'd like a bandage or a kiss—or both.

"Hurry Up!"

Your child dawdles over their breakfast , insists on tying their own sneakers (even though they haven't quite mastered the technique yet), and is on pace to be late for school… again. But pushing them to get a move on creates additional stress, says Linda Acredolo, PhD, coauthor of Baby Minds .

Soften your tone slightly and say, "Let's hurry," instead. This sends the message that the two of you are on the same team and both of you are trying to accomplish the same goal. You can reframe it as a task you both need to tackle, and make sure to ask if there's anything they might need help with that is preventing them from 'hurrying up.'

"I'm On a Diet."

If your child sees you stepping on the scale every day and hears you talking about food in relation to your body image, they may develop an unhealthy body image of their own, says Marc S. Jacobson, MD, professor of pediatrics and epidemiology at Nassau University Medical Center, in East Meadow, New York.

Instead, you can frame food as an essential component for energy and nutrition. Avoid using food as a reward and don't discuss food in relation to your body image. You should also stop labeling foods as "good" or "bad." This will help your child develop a healthy relationship with food and can prevent them from developing an eating disorder.

"We Can't Afford That."

It's easy to say "we can't afford that" when your child begs you for the latest toy , but doing so sends the message that you're not in control of your finances, which can be scary for kids, says Jayne Pearl, the author of Kids and Money .

Choose an alternative way to convey the same idea, such as, "We're not going to buy that because we're saving our money for more important things." If they insist on discussing it, you have a perfect window to start a conversation about how to budget and manage money. You can even help them learn budgeting by offering them money for chores and showing them how to manage their allowance.

"Don't Talk to Strangers."

This is a tough concept for a young child to grasp. Even if a person is unfamiliar, they may not think of them as a stranger if they're nice. Plus, kids may take this rule the wrong way and resist the help of emergency officials whom they don't know, says Nancy McBride, executive director for the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children, Florida Regional Office, in Lake Park.

Instead of warning them about strangers, bring up scenarios, like "what would you do if a man you don't know offers you candy and a ride home?", and have them explain what they'd do. Once you know how they'd handle the situation, you can guide them to the proper course of action.

It's more important to teach your child about trusted adults or people they can reach out to when they are in trouble, such as a teacher, a neighbor, or a store clerk. It's more likely that a stranger will come to their aid than actually harm them—stranger abductions account for 1% of missing child cases.

"Be Careful."

Saying this while your child is balancing on the monkey bars actually makes them more likely to fall. "Your words distract them from what they're doing," says Deborah Carlisle Solomon, author of Baby Knows Best .

If you're feeling anxious, move close to spot them in case they take a tumble, being as still and quiet as you can. Let them maintain their focus and still provide support if needed.

"No Dessert Unless You Finish Dinner."

Avoid saying this at dinner as it increases a child's perceived value of the treat and diminishes their enjoyment of the meal itself, says Parents advisor David Ludwig, MD, PhD, director of the New Balance Foundation Obesity Prevention Center at Boston Children's Hospital and author of Ending the Food Fight. Foods should not be offered as a reward or withheld as punishment, imparting this mindset on your children sets them up for unhealthy eating habits.

Tweak your message along these lines: "First we eat our meal and then we have dessert." The wording change, though subtle, has a far more positive impact on your child.

"Let Me Help."

When your child is struggling to build a block tower or finish a puzzle , it's natural to want to give them a hand. Don't. "If you jump in too soon, that can undermine your child's independence," says Myrna Shure, PhD, professor emeritus of psychology at Drexel University in Philadelphia and author of Raising a Thinking Child .

Instead, ask guiding questions to help them solve the problem: "Do you think the big piece or the little one should go at the bottom? Why do you think that? Let's give it a try." This will not only help foster their independence but also build confidence .

Key Takeaway

There are 10 sayings parents typically use that do more harm than good. These sayings are: "great job," "practice makes perfect," "you're okay," "hurry up," "I'm on a diet," "we can't afford that," "don't talk to strangers," "be careful," no dessert unless you finish dinner," and "let me help." These common phrases are not productive for your child to hear and may lead to more complicated issues such as disordered eating, lack of confidence, and lowered self-esteem.

When Parents' Praise Inflates, Children's Self-Esteem Deflates . Child Dev . 2017.

The Truth About Child Abduction Statistics in 2024 . Safeatlast . 2024.

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‘Children have a right to disconnect’ - Should schools ban homework? 

12.43 1 Sep 2024

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Schools should ban homework because children have a right to “disconnect” from work, according to a principal. 

September spells the official return to school, with children kitted out with everything they need to get through the next year.  

Some argue, however, that what children don’t need is homework after school.  

Rathcoole Educate Together Principal Gemma Maher told The Anton Savage Show there is “no evidence” it helps children learn.  

“Also, adults have a ‘right to disconnect’ - so do children have a right to disconnect,” she said.  

“They're working really hard for us from 8.30am to 1.10pm or 2.10pm and they're giving their full effort to do whatever we're asking them to do.  

“In our school, for the most part, they are collaboratively learning, they're doing teamwork, they are actively learning.”  

Ms Maher, a mother of two herself, said it’s also important to make room for extracurricular activities.  

“One son does piano, one does taekwondo,” she said. “They go swimming, and we do mountain climbing and they do rock climbing.  

“So, for us as two working parents to add homework on top of that, even if it is just half an hour, there are days that we're not in the door until 6pm.  

“You're then going to add in homework for 30 minutes on top of that?”  

Homework 'vital'

Irish Independent columnist Mary McCarthy argued homework is a “vital part” of primary school.  

“The right kind of homework – it shouldn’t be over 30 minutes long,” she said.  

“But for me, it’s a no-brainer – it reinforces what they learned that day, it’s a good link with the parents and the school.  

“It encourages kind of parents to start reading with their kids... it feeds into a habit of sitting down, quiet time with your kids.”  

Ms McCarthy said parents want children leaving school “confident and independent”,  

“Homework can really play a part in that, because after second class, I think that’s the cut off of sitting down and going through everything – I left them on their own [to do homework] after second class,” she said.  

“It’s really setting up good habits for secondary school.  

“It’s a competitive world out there and the school day in Ireland is quite short compared to others - half an hour of homework is not too much to ask.”  

A 2023 OECD study found Irish children complete on average 7.3 hours of homework each week.  

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7 Things You Shouldn't Do When Your Kid Goes Off to College

Keep this in mind if you're struggling to cope with their next chapter.

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1. Don't Take Over the Experience

2. don't track their location, 3. don't constantly call, text and reach out, 4. don't tell them how much you miss them all the time, 5. don't bail them out at the first sign of trouble, 6. don't say, "you've changed.", 7. don't transform their room right away.

Sending a kid to college may seem like the end of a parenthood journey — or at least a new phase of parenting. At the same time, a student is going through a brand-new beginning, starting off in a different school and possibly living away from home for the first time.

These are two huge shifts happening simultaneously, and it's emotional for everyone involved in different ways. While it's normal to expect some friction, there are some things that adults can keep in mind to help everything go smoother. "A successful transition to college requires the young adult to feel like they can handle their new life on their terms," says clinical psychologist Emily Edlynn, Ph.D. , author of Autonomy-Supportive Parenting . In order to help them feel this way, here are the things adults shouldn't do when their kid goes off to college.

Ultimately, it's the student's milestone, not the adult's. "Should you get the 'Proud Mom' car decal? Yes! Should you confidently wear your 'University Dad' shirt at family weekend? Absolutely! But draw the line on the 'we' statements ," says Chelsea Petree, Ph.D ., Director of Parent and Family Programs at the Rochester Institute of Technology and editor of College Ready .

That includes statements like:

• We've got a great class schedule this semester!
• We're moving in on Sunday.

"While colleges see families as partners and as part of the university community," she adds, "remember that this is your student’s experience, and you should allow them to make it their own. Be proud, but remember you are now in a supporting role."

Yes, parents can get a certain peace of mind knowing that their scholar is safe and sound (or at least up and moving around, possibly to their lecture halls). But it comes at a cost to all involved.

"Watching your child’s location creates high anxiety for the parent, which can mean contacting the child out of concern," Dr. Edlynn says . "This leads to the child feeling like their parents are still watching their every move even though they no longer live at home. This can result in all kinds of problems, including the child not feeling trusted and feeling less independent overall." Instead, parents should turn off the Life360 and have some faith that the student will reach out if they need to.

It's hard not to miss them. But what they need is some space to adjust to college life without being reminded of home every day. "Kids need to go through their own process of separation from parents and acclimation to college," says Stephanie Manes, LCSW , a therapist in private practice in New York City and adjunct professor at Columbia University School of Social Work. "To do this successfully, they often need to fully immerse themselves in their new life on campus and to simultaneously create some distance from you. In a way, the less you hear from them in the beginning, the better!"

"Let your child know you can’t wait to hear all about their life when they reach out to you," Dr. Edlynn adds. "Then sit on your hands and wait for your child to make the first move."

They probably miss home, too, but wallowing will only hold them back. "The more your kids know you are okay without them, the more permission they have to be okay without you," Manes says. "If your child thinks that you're really suffering in their absence, they might unconsciously create reasons to return to you."

Problem-solving and resilience are two important skills that college students are going to need to enter adulthood, and rushing in to fix all their problems means they don't get a chance to practice them.

"Even if your student never truly encountered challenges before, they likely will in college," Dr. Petree says. "This will be hard to watch as a parent, whether it’s something small, like not getting the exact class schedule they want, or something more significant like getting fired from a campus job. Your first reaction might be to call the school and 'fix' it. Don’t. Now that your student is in college, your job is to stay calm, listen and help them understand their strengths so that they can move forward and grow from all experiences, even the negative ones."

That means no emailing professors or administrators on a student's behalf, reaching out to the "Parents of" Facebook group to solicit advice or scheduling appointments for them — trust that they have the ability to do it for themselves.

Rather than rushing in to fix all the problems, parents can step back and act more like a coach or a guide so that students can learn how to weather tough emotions or handle their own problems. "Be a listening ear, validate their experience and express confidence that they will get through the tough times," Dr. Edlynn says.

It may be true, but saying so may come with more judgement than intended. Actually, change should be celebrated. "One of the best things you can do to strengthen your relationship with your college student in this new phase of life is to expect them to change," says Christine Oakfield , host and producer of the Your Empty Nest Coach Podcast. "After all, there is a decent chance they’ll return home with new ideas, friends and thoughts."

Next time they visit home, Oakfield suggests, embrace the opportunity to discover the person they've become. "Jumping in with judgement may create a rift in your parent-child relationship that isn’t necessary," she says. "Instead, use this as an opportunity to build a strong bond, or bridge. Give them space to be themselves, respond with love — and remember that you may have undergone some change, too!"

Between all of the experts, this is the advice that came up the most. Yes, it may seem so attractive to turn a kid's room in to a home gym/craft room/guest bedroom. But that might signal that the student isn't welcome home again. "The first few times your student comes home, they will want the comfort of the familiar," Petree says. "Let them have their space … at least for the first year or so."

The same goes for clearing out some of their things while they're gone. "An item you believe to be unimportant may have untold meaning to them, so respecting their space and belongings is essential," Oakfield says, adding it's best to always just ask if it's okay to toss some things.

Craving their own space is a sign that a student still feels connected to home. "Their center of gravity is in many ways still with you," Manes says. "That will slowly shift, but it's a process that takes time. Probably longer than most parents imagine. You need to let them let go at their own pace, instead of giving them the impression that once they leave for college they're on their own."

Marisa (she/her) has covered all things parenting, from the postpartum period through the empty nest, for Good Housekeeping since 2018; she previously wrote about parents and families at Parents and Working Mother . She lives with her husband and daughter in Brooklyn, where she can be found dominating the audio round at her local bar trivia night or tweeting about movies.

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J.D. Vance Said He's 'Really Disturbed' by Teachers Who Are Not Parents in Resurfaced 2021 Audio

The Ohio senator said educators who do not have children of their own "disorient" him in unearthed audio

PATRICK T. FALLON/AFP via Getty

J.D. Vance is facing backlash again after comments he previously made against teachers who are not parents.

In resurfaced audio from 2021 obtained by TMZ , the 2024 running mate of former President Donald Trump is heard saying that teachers without children “really disturb” him while taking a shot at the president of the American Federation of Teachers, Randi Weingarten.

“You know, so many of the leaders of the left, and I hate to be so personal about this, but they’re people without kids trying to brainwash the minds of our children. And that really disorients me and it really disturbs me," Vance, 40, said in the clip.

“Randi Weingarten, who’s the head of the most powerful teachers union in the country, she doesn’t have a single child. If she wants to brainwash and destroy the minds of children, she should have some of her own and leave ours the hell alone,” the Republican continued.

Never miss a story — sign up for  PEOPLE's free daily newsletter  to stay up-to-date on the best of what PEOPLE has to offer, from juicy celebrity news to compelling human-interest stories. 

Tom Williams/CQ-Roll Call, Inc via Getty

Vance's targeting of Weingarten, 66, in the unearthed audio came before the educator shared in April 2023 that she is stepmother to wife Sharon Kleinbaum’s children from her previous marriage, after being questioned about her motherhood by Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene at a hearing.

Kamala HQ, the official response account for Vice President Kamala Harris ’ 2024 presidential campaign, reposted the audio of Vance on Instagram , writing, “He is obsessed” about Vance, following his comments.

A spokeswoman for Vance told TMZ regarding the released audio, “J.D. clearly says in the audio that our leaders on the left, especially anti-child radical Randi Weingarten, who brainwash our kids, are deeply disturbing — and he stands by that statement."

A Vance spokeswoman also followed up with PEOPLE about the audio, sharing a similar statement that added, "There are a lot of great teachers across the country, and JD's criticism of Randi Weingarten's actions is not about them," before adding that Vance wants to end "the leftist indoctrination in our schools."

Andrew Harnik/Getty Images

Vance’s remarks follow more derogatory comments he has made about women, including his mother-in-law in recently resurfaced audio from 2020.

Speaking in an interview on The Portal podcast at the time, Vance appeared to agree with a reference to his wife Usha Vance ’s mother as a "postmenopausal female" as he spoke about when she came to live with their family after one of his children was born.

The Republican vice-presidential candidate said that having a grandparent around the house made his son "a much better human being." He continued, "And the evidence on this, by the way, is, like, super clear."

"That's the whole purpose of the postmenopausal female in theory," host Eric Weinstein interjected, before Vance agreed, "Yes."

Vance spokesperson Taylor Van Kirk refuted that the senator went along with Weinstein’s comments in a statement to PEOPLE.

"Of course he does not agree with what the host said," he said. “J.D. reacted to the first part of the host's sentence, assuming he was going to say, 'That's the whole purpose of spending time with grandparents.' "

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At a glance

• Vaccination is one of the best ways parents can protect infants, children, and teens from 16 potentially harmful diseases.
• Immunizations are not just for children.
• Adults also are at risk for some vaccine-preventable diseases.
• Find out which vaccines are recommended for you and your family members based on your ages.

Babies and toddlers

Your baby’s birth is an exciting time. This is also your first opportunity to protect your child from serious diseases with immunizations.

Hepatitis B vaccine

1st dose of 3

Hepatitis B is an infectious and potentially serious disease that can cause liver damage and liver cancer. There is no cure for hepatitis B. Mothers can unknowingly pass the hepatitis B virus to their babies at birth, which is why babies should get their first dose within 24 hours of birth.

Respiratory syncytial virus (RSV) vaccine

RSV is a common cause of severe respiratory illness in infants and young children. Those infected with RSV can have difficulty breathing and eating, and sometimes may need respiratory support or hydration in the hospital. An RSV immunization uses monoclonal antibodies to protect infants and young children from severe RSV disease. This immunization gives your baby's body extra help to fight an RSV infection.

Infants younger than 8 months old during RSV season (typically fall through spring) should get a one-dose RSV immunization to protect them against RSV. This dose should be given shortly before or during the RSV season.

Learn more about these vaccines:

1 through 2 months

Protect your baby by providing immunity early in life. Starting at 1 to 2 months of age, your baby receives the following vaccines to develop immunity from potentially harmful diseases.

DTaP vaccine

1st dose of 5

A DTaP vaccine is the best protection from three serious diseases: diphtheria, tetanus, and whooping cough (pertussis). All three of these diseases can be deadly for people of any age, and whooping cough is especially dangerous for babies.

Hib vaccine

1st dose of 3 or 4

Hib disease is a serious illness caused by the bacteria Haemophilus influenzae type b (Hib). Babies and children younger than 5 years old are most at risk for Hib disease. It can cause lifelong disability and be deadly. Doctors recommend that your child get three or four doses of the Hib vaccine (depending on the brand).

2nd dose of 3

Hepatitis B is an infectious and potentially serious disease that can cause liver damage and liver cancer. If babies are infected at birth, hepatitis B can be a lifelong, chronic infection. There is no cure for hepatitis B, but the hepatitis B vaccine is the best way to prevent it.

1st dose of 4

Polio is a disabling and life-threatening disease caused by poliovirus, which can infect the spinal cord and cause paralysis. It most often sickens children younger than 5 years old. Polio was eliminated in the United States with vaccination, and continued use of polio vaccine has kept this country polio-free.

Pneumococcal disease can cause potentially serious and even deadly infections. The pneumococcal conjugate vaccine protects against the bacteria that cause pneumococcal disease.

Rotavirus vaccine

1st dose of 2 or 3

Rotavirus can be very dangerous, even deadly for babies and young children. Doctors recommend that your child get two or three doses of the rotavirus vaccine (depending on the brand).

Protect your baby by providing immunity early in life. Stay on track with the recommended vaccine schedule.

At 4 months of age, your baby receives the following vaccines to develop immunity from potentially harmful diseases.

2nd dose of 5

2nd dose of 3 or 4

2nd dose of 4

2nd dose of 2 or 3

Rotavirus can be very dangerous, even deadly for babies and young children. Doctors recommend that your child get two or three doses of the Rotavirus vaccine (depending on the brand).

At 6 months of age, your baby receives vaccines to develop immunity from potentially harmful diseases.

COVID-19 vaccine

CDC recommends COVID-19 vaccination for everyone aged 6 months and older.

3 rd dose of 5

3 rd dose of 4

3rd dose of 3

3 rd dose of 3

7 through 11 months

There are usually no vaccinations scheduled between 7 and 11 months of age. However, if your baby has missed an earlier vaccination, now is a good time to "catch up."

Flu vaccine

Babies 6 months and older should receive flu vaccination every flu season.

12 through 23 months

By following the recommended schedule and fully immunizing your child by 2 years of age, your child should be protected against 16 vaccine preventable diseases.

Between 12 and 23 months of age, your child receives the following vaccines to continue developing immunity from potentially harmful diseases.

Chickenpox vaccine

1 st dose of 2

Chickenpox is a very contagious disease known for its itchy, blister-like rash and a fever. Chickenpox is a mild disease for many, but can be serious, even life-threatening, especially in babies, teenagers, pregnant women, and people with weakened immune systems.

4 th dose of 5

Children should receive flu vaccination every flu season.

Hepatitis A vaccine

1 st Dose of 2

Hepatitis A can be a serious, even fatal liver disease caused by the hepatitis A virus. Children with the virus often don't have symptoms, but they often pass the disease to others, including their unvaccinated parents or caregivers.

3 rd dose of 3 between 6 months and 18 months

3 rd dose of 3 or 4 th dose of 4

3 rd dose of 4 between 6 months and 18 months

MMR vaccine

The MMR vaccine helps prevent three diseases: measles, mumps, and rubella (German measles). These diseases are contagious and can be serious.

4 th dose of 4

2 through 3 years

Between 2 and 3 years of age, your child should visit the doctor once a year for check-ups.

Young children

4 through 6 years.

Between 4 through 6 years of age, your child should visit the doctor once a year for check-ups. During this time, your child receives the following vaccines.

2nd dose of 2

5th dose of 5

4th dose of 4

7 through 10 years

Between 7 and 10 years of age, your child should visit the doctor once a year for check-ups.

Vaccines your child may have missed

Now is a good time for your child to catch up on any missed vaccines. Make an appointment for your child to get caught up if they haven't received vaccines to protect against any of the following diseases:

• Hepatitis A
• Hepatitis B
• Measles , mumps , and rubella
• Tetanus , diphtheria , and  whooping cough (pertussis)

Preteens and teens

11 through 12 years.

There are four vaccines recommended for preteens—these vaccines help protect your children, their friends, and their family members.

HPV vaccine

Human papillomavirus (HPV) is a common virus that can cause several cancers in men and women. HPV vaccination is recommended at ages 11-12 years to help protect against cancers caused by HPV infection. For best protection, most children this age will need two shots of the HPV vaccine, 6-12 months apart.

MenACWY vaccine

1st dose of 2

Meningococcal disease can refer to any illness caused by a type of bacteria called Neisseria meningitidis. These bacteria can cause meningococcal meningitis or bloodstream infections, which can be serious, even deadly. The meningococcal vaccine called MenACWY helps protect against four types of the bacteria that causes meningococcal disease (serogroups A, C, W, and Y).

Tdap vaccine

A Tdap booster shot protects older children from three serious diseases—diphtheria, tetanus, and whooping cough (pertussis). While people of any age in the United States can get all three of these potentially deadly diseases, whooping cough is most common. Preteens and teens who get whooping cough may cough for 10 weeks or more, possibly leading to rib fractures from severe coughing.

13 through 18 years

Between 13 through 18 years old, your child should visit the doctor once each year for check-ups. This can be a great time to get any vaccines your teen may have missed or may need if traveling outside the United States.

MenB vaccine

Meningococcal disease can refer to any illness caused by a type of bacteria called Neisseria meningitidis. These bacteria can cause meningococcal meningitis and bloodstream infections, which can be serious, even deadly. Meningococcal B vaccine, or MenB vaccine, helps protect against one type of the bacteria that causes meningococcal disease (serogroup B).

Note: CDC does not routinely recommend MenB vaccine for all adolescents. Instead, healthcare providers and parents can discuss the risk of the disease and weigh the risks and benefits of vaccination.

MenABCWY vaccine

Meningococcal disease can refer to any illness caused by a type of bacteria called Neisseria meningitidis. These bacteria can cause meningococcal meningitis and bloodstream infections, which can be serious, even deadly. Pentavalent meningococcal vaccine, or MenABCWY vaccine, helps protect against five types of the bacteria that causes meningococcal disease (serogroups A, B, C, W, and Y).

Note: MenABCWY vaccine can be given instead of MenACWY and MenB vaccines when both of those vaccines are being given at the same visit. MenABCWY is not given in addition to those two vaccines.

19 through 26 years

All adults ages 19 through 26 years old should make sure they're up to date on the vaccines listed below. You may need other vaccines based on other factors, too. Talk with your doctor to learn which vaccines are recommended for you.

Adults who have never had chickenpox or received chickenpox vaccine should get 2 doses. The doses should be at least 28 days apart.

All adults need a seasonal flu vaccine every year. Flu vaccine is especially important for people with chronic health conditions and pregnant women.

The hepatitis B vaccine is recommended for all adults, age 19 through 59 years.

If you were not vaccinated at a younger age (HPV vaccination is routinely recommended at age 11 or 12 years), then you should also get an HPV vaccine.

Adults who do not have presumptive evidence of immunity should get at least one dose of MMR vaccine. Students at post-high school educational institutions who do not have presumptive evidence of immunity need two doses of MMR vaccine, separated by at least 28 days.

Td or Tdap vaccine

Every adult should get the Tdap (tetanus, diphtheria, and pertussis) vaccine once if they did not receive it as an adolescent to protect against pertussis (whooping cough), and then a Td (tetanus, diphtheria) booster shot every 10 years.

In addition, women should get the Tdap vaccine each time they are pregnant, preferably at 27 through 36 weeks.

27 through 49 years

All adults ages 27 to 49 years should make sure they’re up to date on the vaccines listed below. You may need other vaccines based on other factors, too. Talk with your doctor to learn which vaccines are recommended for you.

50 through 64 years

All adults ages 50 to 64 years should make sure they’re up to date on the vaccines listed below. You may need other vaccines based on other factors, too. Talk with your doctor to learn which vaccines are recommended for you.

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Blog The Education Hub

https://educationhub.blog.gov.uk/2024/08/19/fines-for-parents-for-taking-children-out-of-school-what-you-need-to-know/

Fines for parents for taking children out of school: What you need to know

Every moment in school counts and days missed add up quickly. Evidence shows that pupils who have good  attendance  enjoy better wellbeing and school performance than those who don't.  

The school day is split into two sessions – one session counts as a morning or afternoon spent in school. There are only a few occasions where a child is allowed to miss  school , such as illness or where the school has given permission because of an exceptional circumstance.  

However, if your child misses school without a good reason, local councils and schools can intervene and you may be issued a fine.  

We’ve also introduced a national framework which will mean all councils have the same rules in place for when they need to consider a fine. We explain more on this below.  

It’s important to note that children with long-term medical or more serious mental health conditions, and those with  special educational needs and disabilities  may face additional barriers.  

For children who face complex barriers to attendance, schools should have sensitive conversations with children and families and work with them to put support in place for their individual needs.  

How much could I be fined if my child misses school?    

In the majority of cases, schools and local authorities will try and provide support to help you improve your child’s attendance first, but if this isn’t effective or the absence is for unauthorised term time holiday, parents may face paying a fine.  

It’s the responsibility of the local authority to decide when to issue fines to parents, meaning the process varies from council to council.  

However, under the national rules, all schools are required to consider a fine when a child has missed 10 or more sessions (5 days) for unauthorised reasons.  

From August 2024, the fine for school absences across the country will be  £80 if paid within 21 days , or  £160 if paid within 28 days . This rate is in line with inflation and is the first increase since 2012.  

In the case of repeated fines, if a parent receives a second fine for the same child within any three-year period, this will be charged at the higher rate of £160.  

Fines per parent will be capped to two fines within any three-year period. Once this limit has been reached, other action like a parenting order or prosecution will be considered.  

If you’re prosecuted and attend court because your child hasn’t been attending school, you could get a fine of up to £2,500.  

Money raised via fines is only used by the local authority to cover the costs of administering the system, and to fund attendance support. Any extra money is returned to the government.  

How can you be sure parent fines are fair?  

Fines are a last resort, and parents will be offered support to help improve their child’s attendance first. The vast majority of fines for unauthorised absence (89%) are issued for term time holidays.  

If your child is facing barriers to school attendance due to special education needs or disabilities (SEND), schools, local authorities and wider services are required to work together to provide the right support in the first place.  

What if my child needs to miss school?   

Your child must attend every day that the school is open, unless:  

• Your child is too ill to attend that day.  
• You have asked in advance and been given permission by the school for your child to be absent on that day due to exceptional circumstances.  
• Your child cannot attend school on that day because it is a day you are taking part in religious observance.  
• Your local authority is responsible for arranging your child’s transport to school and it is not available on that day or has not been provided yet.  
• You are a gypsy/traveller family with no fixed abode, and you are required to travel for work that day meaning your child cannot attend their usual school.  

What happens if my child misses school without a good reason?   

If your child is absent and you haven’t received advance permission from the headteacher to take your child out of school, the school and local council may take action.  

Before that, your child’s school and your local council are expected to support you to improve the child’s attendance before any measures are put in place .  

These measures can include:  

• Issue a fixed penalty notice, otherwise known as a ‘fine’  – your local council can give each parent a fine. If you do not pay the fine after 28 days you may be prosecuted for your child’s absence from school.  
• Seek an Education Supervision Order from the family court  – if the council thinks you need support getting your child to go to school but you’re not co-operating, they can apply to a court for an Education Supervision Order. A supervisor will be appointed to help you get your child into education. The local council can do this instead of, or as well as, prosecuting you.  
• Prosecute you  – this means you have to go to court. You could get a fine, a community order or a jail sentence up to three months. The court could also give you a Parenting Order.  

Why is attendance important?   

For most pupils, the best place to be during term-time is in school, surrounded by the support of their friends and teachers.  

This is important not just for your child’s learning, but also for their overall wellbeing, wider development and their mental health.  It’s not just children who fail to attend school who miss out, but  those around them too.    

We’re working with schools and local councils to improve attendance by supporting  them to reset the relationship between schools, families and the government to ensure children have the best start to life.  

You can read more about what we’re doing to help schools improve attendance on the Education Hub .  

You may also be interested in:

• What are 'ghost children' and why is attendance so important?
• Why is school attendance so important and what are the risks of missing a day?
• School attendance and absence

Tags: Fines for missing school , Fines for taking children out of school , missing school , parents fines for children missing school , School absence fines , school attendance , School fines for holidays , School fines UK , School holiday fines

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Guest Essay

Surgeon General: Parents Are at Their Wits’ End. We Can Do Better.

By Vivek H. Murthy

Dr. Murthy is the surgeon general.

One day when my daughter was a year old, she stopped moving her right leg. Tests found that she had a deep infection in her thigh that was dangerously close to her bone. She was rushed off to surgery. Thankfully, she’s now a healthy, spirited young girl, but the excruciating days we spent in the hospital were some of the hardest of my life. My wife, Alice, and I felt helpless and heartbroken. We got through it because of excellent medical care, understanding workplaces and loved ones who showed up and reminded us that we were not alone.

When I became a parent, a friend told me I was signing up for a lifetime of joy and worry. The joys are indeed abundant, but as fulfilling as parenting has been, the truth is it has also been more stressful than any job I’ve had. I’ve had many moments of feeling lost and exhausted. So many parents I encounter as I travel across America tell me they have the same experience: They feel lucky to be raising kids, but they are struggling, often in silence and alone.

The stress and mental health challenges faced by parents — just like loneliness , workplace well-being and the impact of social media on youth mental health — aren’t always visible, but they can take a steep toll. It’s time to recognize they constitute a serious public health concern for our country. Parents who feel pushed to the brink deserve more than platitudes. They need tangible support. That’s why I am issuing a surgeon general’s advisory to call attention to the stress and mental health concerns facing parents and caregivers and to lay out what we can do to address them.

A recent study by the American Psychological Association revealed that 48 percent of parents say most days their stress is completely overwhelming, compared with 26 percent of other adults who reported the same. They are navigating traditional hardships of parenting — worrying about money and safety, struggling to get enough sleep — as well as new stressors, including omnipresent screens, a youth mental health crisis and widespread fear about the future.

Stress is tougher to manage when you feel you’re on your own, which is why it’s particularly concerning that so many parents, single parents most of all, report feeling lonelier than other adults . Additionally, parents are stretched for time. Compared with just a few decades ago, mothers and fathers spend more time working and more time caring for their children , leaving them less time for rest, leisure and relationships. Stress, loneliness and exhaustion can easily affect people’s mental health and well-being. And we know that the mental health of parents has a direct impact on the mental health of children.

All of this is compounded by an intensifying culture of comparison, often amplified online, that promotes unrealistic expectations of what parents must do. Chasing these expectations while trying to wade through an endless stream of parenting advice has left many families feeling exhausted, burned out and perpetually behind.

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Parents shouldn't have to help their kids with their homework.

I get maybe making sure the kid knows what to do, but if you have to sit down and help your kid through every part of their homework then it's too hard, at least if the majority of parents are doing it. The average kid should be able to do their homework on their own, and it also shouldn't take that long as it's simply supposed to be a review of what they're learning, most of the learning part should take place at school.

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Whether you study at school, college, or university, it’s more likely you have to do your homework after classes. Most teachers believe that out-of-class studies help kids get a deeper understanding of the subject, turn theoretical knowledge into practical skills, and improve academic achievement.

However, most children are overwhelmed with the number of homework projects they have to complete. Once school students get too much homework , they turn to their parents to ask for help with their studies: Whether they need to complete school assignments, college projects , or university coursework. Why? Not only do parents know the material better than their kids, but they also help to manage time wisely which means working on homework faster without sacrificing the quality.

But a logical question appears: Should parents help with homework ?

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The question is controversial: Although some researchers believe that parents should gradually reduce homework help as their children grow older, other people claim that parental involvement cultivates positive learning behaviors.

First, we’ll discuss what role a parent plays in the kids’ education. Next, let’s find out the pros and cons of helping youngsters with homework.

The Role of Parents in the Educational Process

It’s in parents’ nature to feel responsibility for their kids’ academic performance. More often than not, they want to take part in their children’s education , engage in learning, and help their kids prepare for learning and set priorities.

Researchers have found that parental involvement in learning has many benefits for children : When parents help their school students with studies, it helps to improve student performance, reduce absenteeism, get higher grades and test scores, and improve social skills.

For a variety of reasons, parental involvement has many benefits for family relationships if a parent avoids trying to control the process and completes homework assignments for kids. Thus, it’s important to find out the pros and cons of this involvement.

Let’s dive in.

The Pros and Cons of Parental Involvement in Homework Preparation

• Help to understand the material better: Most students seek out homework assistance at school if they lack knowledge or don’t understand the task and/or the material even if they study well at school. In most cases, it’s difficult for children to understand the principles of calculus so they ask parents for help. Since parents have more experience and knowledge, they can find alternative ways to explain the subject to their kids.
• Improve parent-child relationships: When parents and kids spend time together on doing kids’ homework, it helps them turn quantity time into quality time which means they can improve parent-child relationships.
• Stay organized and beat procrastination: Most parents are more focused and organized and they know how to set priorities, so their assistance helps children manage their time and work on assignments faster. Plus, being organized helps students spend time with friends or enjoy their hobbies.
• Cultivate positive learning behaviors: When parents help their kids and gradually reduce homework help when their children get older, it helps school students follow an example their parents give and stick to positive learning behaviors. Plus, children stop bothering about the homework ban .
• Motivate children for education: It’s no secret that parents have their tips and tricks on motivating kids for education that work well for their offspring. Some parents promise their kids to allow them to spend time with friends while other moms and dads give expensive gifts. No matter what motivates your kid , if your child is interested in the learning process, it’s more likely he or she will keep on studying even if you stop motivating them.
• Add stress by parental expectations: If children ask a highly educated parent for homework assistance after school, it’s no wonder that these moms and dads have high expectations to children even if they have to deal with biostatistics homework . Thus, they expect their kids to complete assignments faster without losing the quality. But if kids can’t meet their parents expectations, it leads to additional stress, anxiety, and headaches.
• Lead to misunderstanding between a parent and a kid: Although involved parents are aimed at helping their kids improve academic performance, adults and kids may have different attitudes toward the learning process. For example, some parents may believe that children should study and complete their philosophy assignments after classes while their kids need to relax after in-class activities so they want to do their homework later in the evening. All in all, it can lead to misunderstanding between them and family.
• Discourage independent learning and self-management: When parents put much effort into helping children with homework assignments and they control the process from A to Z, it discourage children to stay responsible for their homework routine. Why? They know that parents will remind them about the workload and help them complete their tasks on a good level. All in all, it discourages independent learning and self-management.
• Result in lower test scores: It’s no wonder that most parents want to raise their kids smart and successful, so it can lead to the temptation to complete assignments for their kids when it comes to helping children with homework. As a result, children get high grades for out-of-class activities, but they can’t set priorities and implement these skills during tests.

The Bottom Line

If you still wonder whether should parents help with homework or not, you’d better pay attention to your child’s individual learning needs and his or her academic performance.

Plus, it’s a good idea to consult teachers and other school staff on how to make the most out of your homework engagement so that your children can improve academic performance, achieve better results, and obtain in-depth knowledge.

3 reasons why parents should not help their children with homework

Most parents believe that if they do not control their children while performing their duties, they will not do the homework correctly. However, researchers from the University of Texas have shown the opposite. Parents' attitude with children while they do their elementary school is unhelpful, while at 9am and gymnasium is totally wrong. Bright Side tells us the reasons why a child (and not their parents) should be responsible for homework.

Children lose motivation to study

According to the outcome of the study, the more parents involved in the children's tasks, the less willing children learn. Children who have close parents all the time, telling them what to do in their duties, have the lowest motivation. Parents should of course encourage their children to do homework, but their stay is demotivating them.

They are not taught to be responsive

As you help him to do the assignments, check for bad grades, you are taking the responsibility of your child's study, which means that your child is free of any responsibility as they have received you. Learn your child even with penalties for him / her to realize that not everything is taken lightly in life. If he / she does not do the tasks, he / she will not play on the computer (an example). So the idea is for them to realize that their action can bring consequences.

The relationship between the child and the parent is not the ideal

"Tasks are over. Mom lost her voice while the baby is tired of screaming. Neighbors have memorized the poem. Even the dog has understood everything, "this is the summary of the child's homework. Psychologists suggest that instead of tasks, you can spend time with your children to talk about the desires, problems they may have in school. This will strengthen your relationship more and your child will have more confidence in you.

Source: Bright Side

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10 Mistakes Parents Make with Their Children’s Homework

Homework is a basic pillar of the education system. As unpopular as it might be with some kids, most parents and teachers defend homework, saying it reinforces classroom learning, helps create good work habits and discipline, and benefits concentration and memory. Homework is a child’s task and responsibility, however, parents also play a role: that of monitoring, supporting, answering questions and ensuring that their children complete their homework but never, never should parents do homework for their children .

Not doing homework for the student doesn’t mean you can’t get involved. “ The parent has to think of themselves as the coach . A coach does not run with the player nor eat the same calories and, of course, does not suffer the same injuries. A coach has two main functions: organize and advise, with the objective of improving performance,” argues psychiatrist Orlanda Varela. Many parents in all social classes dedicate several hours a day to helping their kids with homework or making sure they do it. This reality contrasts with the widespread false notion that scholastic failure is due to parents’ lack of concern about the education of their children.

Many parents get into a cycle that they feel it is difficult to escape. Each afternoon they review the agenda, organize where their children should start, and resolve each of their children’s questions, etc. This becomes an excessive burden when combined with the various other tasks that parents have to do every day. When parents try to stop doing this, they realize that their children feel lost without them and fear that the child will stop or not do their homework well, so they continue to take charge each night.

This generates a lot of tension between parents and children. Moreover, children feel increasingly insecure thinking that they are not capable of doing things on their own. As time goes on, they will ask more questions and it will be more difficult for them to take charge of their own tasks.

THE TEN ERRORS PARENTS MAKE BY DOING HOMEWORK WITH THEIR CHILDREN AND THE KEYS TO SOLVING THEM

• Doing homework anywhere , in the kitchen while preparing dinner; in the living room while others watch TV… Instead: Ensure that «homework time» is important;  in a fixed place , it is best if it is the child’s own study corner. If there is no separate space available, choose a quiet place in the house, without distractions , without TV. ..
• Parents complaining about the quantity or quality of the assigned homework.  Instead : Accept reality. Homework is what it is. If we see that homework is beyond the capability of our child, we should go to the school and let them know, but at home, you should respect the decision of the teacher whenever possible. We are preparing our children for life, and in life, there will be a lot of work and effort.
• Doing the homework ourselves.  Instead : Completing your children’s homework does not increase their work capacity or their discipline or teach them anything new. Common sense, the great tool that all parents have, although sometimes they do not pay attention to it, is already telling us this. You do not have to correct the exercises at home. The goal is not to make the child’s work perfect, but rather to get the child to try to do them in order to understand any difficulty. Teacher corrections are better; you should have your child to listen to him or her. However, it is the job of the parent to check that the student has corrected their homework in class and has learned from their mistakes.
• Understanding homework only as a way to acquire new knowledge.  Instead : Homework reinforces learning and, above all, is an opportunity to learn to work in an autonomous manner. Parents can explain the answers but it makes more sense to help kids find the answers by looking for them: in their own textbooks, on the internet…
• Convert homework into «argument time» each day.  Instead: Convert homework time into a time of peace and tranquility. If the student has difficulty, the student can and should consult with his or her teachers the next day. It is very harmful to create anxiety in a home around things related to school.
• Don’t take seriously the child’s need for your presence and support. Instead: Put down the smartphone and be available, watching and listening to them when they need it.
• Impose absolute control.  Instead : If kids want a parent to step in, ask them to say the lesson out loud to make sure they understand what they have learned. If we make them nervous, it is better to trust in their own sense of responsibility. And tell them out loud that you believe in them.
• Avoid talking to teachers.  Instead : Promote communication and collaboration with teachers. Consult them if you or your child needs any supplemental help.
• Allow them to face their homework when they are already exhausted from extracurricular tasks.  Instead: Extracurricular activities are necessary but do not need to be obsessive. Students can have too many: sports, languages, music, chess…all at the same time. It is better to adapt the activities to the personality and interests of the child. Have some quiet evenings at home in which the children only have to do homework and play.
• Be inconsistent.  Instead : Homework is, overall, about learning self-discipline and how to work autonomously. We help if we encourage kids to set a consistent start and finish time, perhaps with a minimum and maximum study period. Homework should always be done at the same time, in the same place, and always with the phone turned off. Showing that there is a time for everything is a great learning process for a child and parents should demonstrate this in their own lives.

HOW TO ORGANIZE HOMEWORK TIME

There should be a starting and ending time for homework. Putting a clock on the table helps kids monitor the time. We should remember that it is not possible to maintain an uninterrupted focus for more than 40 minutes (depending on the child’s age this time is much shorter). It is important to take small breaks for 10-15 minutes between different activities.

To facilitate homework and to make sure they do not get depressed, it is recommended to start with something brief and simple, and later do the less pleasant tasks, but leaving the easiest task or the task the child likes the most, for last. Children reach their maximum performance after 30 minutes. At an hour and a half, performance decreases, and thus they shouldn’t deal with the most difficult subjects then.

You have to adapt the homework times to the age of the age. 15 minutes is sufficient for the youngest children to read or perform math exercises. 6 to 8 years: between 30 and 40 minutes. 8 to 10 years: one hour. From that age: between 60 and 90 minutes. In high school: between 2 and 3 hours.

We recommend kids do their 15-minute Smartick sessions every day before homework, this will help children concentrate better on their tasks later.

Learn More:

• 10 Tips to Help Children Do Homework Independently
• How to Help Our Children with Their Homework
• Should Homework Be Banned?
• No More Homework? A Texas Teacher’s Letter Goes Viral
• 5 Ways to Reinforce Positive Behaviors in Your Child
• 15 fun minutes a day
• Adapts to your child’s level
• Millions of students since 2009

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• Raising Math Scores: Smartick Method - 04/06/2018
• Give Your Child A World Class Math Education - 03/30/2018
• Kids with Special Needs and Smartick Method - 03/21/2018

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Great Blog, Thank you for sharing with us the wonderful post. I appreciate your research. It can be very helpful for parents who often make mistakes. Now, by reading your post they will take care of these things and will not make mistakes.

Kids homework can be really a difficult thing for parents to handle. Through proper tips and knowledge, parents can make it easier for their children to do the homework and understand it as well. Thanks for the above list of mistakes. These will help.

Thank you for sharing amazing post with us. I appreciate your research. It would be really helpful for parents who generally make mistakes. Now, by reading your post they will take care of these things and would not make mistakes.

Hi Aabha, thank you so much for your comment! We’re very happy to know that the Smartick blog helps you and we hope it continues to do so!

Well this post about online tutorial courses is awesome! consider yourself added to my blogroll. I have like six other blogs I read on a weekly basis, guess that number just increased to seven! Keep writing!

Thank you very much Aerabela!

Felicidades! Me gustó mucho esta página, espero que sea gratuita y que pueda apoyar y guiar a mis hijos para que sean mejores cada día, muy completa su página, informativa,didáctica… Gracias

We also have our blog in Spanish: https://www.smartick.es/blog/ The blog is free.

Smartick is an online method for learning mathematics for children beetween 4-14 years old. We provide a free trial without any commitment so you can try it and assess if it is interesting for your children. After the free trial, there is a cost that depends on the number of children and the length of time you subscribe (monthly, quarterly or yearly). If you have any further questions, please don´t hesitate to contact my colleagues at Client Services at [email protected] and they can attend to you in Spanish or English.

Should parents help their kids do their homework or not?

Why do our children receive homework, and if we offer help do we actually harm them a parenting instructor explains how to raise children to be "independent learners.”.

Why do children even do homework?

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So, what can we do to help our children?

1. make sure it really is assistance., 2. allow yourself to trust them, 3. start when they’re young.

5 Reasons Why Your Children Shouldn’t Have to Do Homework

Published by

Oceana Setaysha

Last Updated

We’ve all been there.

Crouched around the kitchen table forcing your tired, brain-dead primary schooler to slug their way through that last homework sheet before you both collapse in a tired heap.

Are you over homework yet?  We are, and after running the research, we can’t believe we’ve been falling for it for so long. Homework is a con! It’s bad for you, bad for your teachers, and yes even bad for your kids.

Here’s why…

1. Learning doesn’t just happen at a table.

In recent years, we’ve fallen into this strange frame of mind that children can only learn something if they’re sitting at a table, pencil in hand, with a worksheet in front of them. How did this happen? Kids learn all the time. The very nature of childhood is learning, and with each question asked and answered, kids learn a little more. So why box kids in with bland worksheets that don’t ignite their passion for anything? Instead, let them spend time with you, try a new hobby, or simply play in the wild world. You’ll find they do as much learning there as anywhere else.

2. Homework doesn’t inspire kids to learn.

Children’s brains are flexible when it comes to learning, and they constantly change as new information is fed into the system. But at some point, that information needs to be absorbed and converted into something useful. Unfortunately, instead of giving children time in the afternoon to do this, we’re forcing them to learn more and do more work. This isn’t making them excited about learning. It’s taking kids that are already tired from their day and eager to burn off the energy of sitting down and confining them to a chair to do yet more schoolwork. If that’s not a recipe for stressed kids who don’t want school, we don’t know what is.

3. No homework is good for parents.

If you’ve got kids, we don’t need to tell you just how much of a burden homework can be. Your kids are stressed about the deadlines and the idea of failure, you’re stressed from trying to get them to sit down and complete everything lest it reflect badly on you, and your family is stressed from a lack of time to just be together and relax. There just isn’t any balance here, especially not when families are already juggling extracurricular activities that allow children to extend themselves beyond the realms of school. Where’s the time when homework is also on the table?

4. Homework is not about forming good habits.

Many people argue that homework forms good habits that children will use later in life, and therefore, it cannot be done away with. The problem is, there’s nothing to support this idea. In fact, kids do more homework now than ever before, but there isn’t any proof that they’re more prepared for higher education, that they manage their time better, that they think more independently or anything like that. The truth is that kids adapt at various points in their lives, and as they grow into adulthood, they will become better time managers with good work habits and the ability to think independently. But how many adults do you know that can do this without years of primary school homework behind them? We bet you’re one!

5. There’s no educational benefit.

Yep, you might need to read that one twice, but we swear we aren’t lying. There is absolutely zero scientific research out there that supports the academic benefit of homework into outside school activities for children under 14 or 15. None. Professor Harris Cooper, one of the most respected researchers on homework in the world states that “there is no evidence that any amount of homework improves the academic performance of primary school students”. So for all that stress, all those tears, and all that time your child is missing out on the experience of being a carefree child, they’re no better for it.

But”�

Just because we don’t agree with homework, doesn’t mean we don’t agree with learning. There are always things that you can do as a parent to get your child excited about learning new things, and about the many discoveries that await them as they move through life. So although you might be a homework ignorer, continue to encourage them to read and explore their own projects.

Reading is as simple as regular trips to the library and a set aside time each night before bed where screens are off and stories are on. At home, projects could be anything from painting a picture to helping you cook dinner. Both reading and discovery challenge kids to learn in different ways, and see the world in a new light.

Talking To Your Child’s School

It can be a challenge to broach the topic of homework with your child’s school, especially if your desire for them not to be given homework is directly at odds with the school’s policy. But, it’s so important, it really is worth talking about, and if you’re looking for something to get you started, we recommend this letter , which respected parenting speaker Dr. Justin Coulson sends to his children’s school every year.

Do you agree that children shouldn’t do homework?

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Working Mom Blog | Outside the Box Mom

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Why Shouldn’t Parents Force Their Kids to Do Homework?

by RAKI WRIGHT

Through homework, you can also check on your children’s progress in school and whether or not they are grasping the content. However, as important as homework may be, parents should not force their children to do it. There are several reasons why they shouldn’t do this, and here are some of them.

They may find it hard

Parents often spend hours nagging their children to finish their work without trying to help them understand the work they have been given. You can slowly learn how to get your children to do their homework without having to force them. One good option you can use to inspire a student to complete writing assignments is by reading various essay options. They can get ideas from the essays, which will make the assignment seem less hard. You can find lots of great examples if you  look into eduzaurus.com page absolutely free. This popular essay platform offers free online essay samples to students who need well-written essays.

Can cause bad attitude towards school

Learning should be enjoyable for children, and so should homework. However, if you force children to do their assignments, you take away the joy of doing the work. Kids are highly likely to have a bad attitude towards doing the work if forced to do it. Research also states that too much homework among children has a more negative than positive impact. 

Young children will start to despise school due to the work they are forced to do when tired. This is not very good, especially if the child has years’ worth of homework they still have to do before that can call it a wrap. As much as it is given with good intention, make sure you are not forcing your child to do it.

Children need to relax and reboot

After spending a full day in school focusing on academic work, when they go home, what they mostly need is sufficient rest. Your grade 2 daughter doesn’t need to spend hours doing her homework to the point she is dozing off when doing it. At this age, she shouldn’t be doing assignments like she is in high school. 

Now you not only have undone homework, but there’s also a crying child and a tired, exasperated parent. You end up secretly doing their assignment after all this fighting which is not doing the child any good. Let your child rest if they are tired , you can always talk to the teacher if they are not done in the morning.

The responsibility ends up falling on the parent

Parents already have too much on their plate, and having to follow up on a kindergarten child’s homework is not making their lives any easier. Children cannot set aside time when they will voluntarily sit down and start on their homework. You have to be the one to follow them and ensure that they have done it. 

This leads to the repeated cycle of trying to get them to do the work when they are tired. This becomes another night of wails, tears, undone homework, and a tired parent. This is a role you do not very much desire to be taking up daily.

Responsibility and skills can be taught in other ways

The main idea around giving children homework is that they get to learn soft skills and how to be responsible. It is also supposed to test their memory, performance, thinking, and ability to focus. This will not work if the child ends up sleep-deprived since you did not allow them to go to bed until they are done with their homework. 

There are several other ways you can use to teach your 10-year-old responsibility without having to force in them. You can focus on smaller tasks like ensuring they carry back their full set of crayons from school. You could also teach them to pick up their toys and return them when they are done playing with them. 

Forcing your children to do their assignments is not always the way out. It may harm them in the long run. Instead of forcing them to do the homework, find other ways you can use to convince them to do the homework. You can use a reward incentive where if they can finish their homework on time, they get a treat. This will give them that extra push to do the assignment without complaining. Don’t forget that ‘Good job!’ once they are done.

Author’s Bio

Cory Shilling writes for a tech company where he is a key part of the digital marketing team. He writes web content and blogs and, on the side, also does academic writing gigs for an online writing agency. His free time is spent watching NFL games and tv shows and creating memes for social media.

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Don't Bother Sending It Home, I'm Not Forcing My Grade-Schooler To Do Homework

Studies show homework doesn’t benefit young children, so why are we forcing them to do it?

No, my elementary-aged children will not be doing homework. Why? Because they don’t have to. Schooling is mandatory, homework for elementary children isn’t. And forcing my 5-year-old child to sit down and concentrate on homework after he’s already spent six hours at school is something I actually have control over.

There are plenty of things parents are complaining about these days, and they have every right to. Recess is vanishing and high-stakes testing is putting a strain on teachers and students alike. Art for art’s sake is disappearing and so are daily physical education classes. Kids in my local school district get one 20 minute recess a day and a P.E. class every four days. Maybe we can’t physically go into school and force administrators to give our children more time to play. We can lay down the law in our own homes though, and refuse to take any more of our child’s precious free time away by forcing them to learn “responsibility” for completing homework at age five.

Anyone who’s done homework with a kid in elementary school knows that it’s basically just an extended period of begging them to focus and finish. No thanks. I’m good. Is my kid going to be held back because he didn’t draw 14 triangles or circle a bunch of different trucks on a page? I don’t think so.

You may have had some fleeting thoughts about how ridiculous it is that your grade-schoolers were coming home with a ton of homework, but did you know opting out is an option? So often we fall into this “must follow the rules” mentality when it comes to dealing with any kind of bureaucracy that we forget that we actually have choices. What would happen if we followed the advice of basically every study out there and stopped asking our elementary school children to do homework? Pretty sure the earth wouldn’t spin off its axis.

In her article, Why Parents Should Not Make Kids Do Homework , Heather Shumaker — a self-described “advocate for play” — makes the point that parents should not be making their young children do homework : at least not for hours every night. “A comprehensive review of 180 research studies by Duke University psychologist and neuroscientist Harris Cooper shows homework’s benefits are highly age dependent: high schoolers benefit if the work is under two hours a night, middle schoolers receive a tiny academic boost, and elementary-aged kids? It’s better to wait,” Shumaker writes.

We’ve all heard the complaints about standardized testing. But with such a huge focus on it, students are being sent home with homework that will hopefully help them “prepare” for the tests. Oh, please. Parents are struggling with children and children are getting frustrated. Why don’t you try to take an informal poll at school pickup next week. Find out how many parents in your kid’s elementary school class have finished their child’s homework for them this week. Whoever doesn’t raise their hand is a liar.

After reviewing extensive research on the effects of homework on young children , Valerie Strauss, a reporter who covered education for The Washington Post , wrote:

“First, no research has ever found a benefit to assigning homework (of any kind or in any amount) in elementary school. In fact, there isn’t even a positive correlation between, on the one hand, having younger children do some homework (vs. none), or more (vs. less), and, on the other hand, any measure of achievement. If we’re making 12-year-olds, much less five-year-olds, do homework, it’s either because we’re misinformed about what the evidence says or because we think kids ought to have to do homework despite what the evidence says.”

So what are we doing? The answer to that is easy: what we’re told. We get that little homework folder and we’re told to make them do it. But why? If we know our elementary-aged kids aren’t even focusing on their homework, much less finishing it or benefiting from it — why are we making them do it?

The internet went crazy this week when a teacher’s no-homework policy went viral — proving we’re all dying to take this load off ourselves, and our elementary school kids. With research claiming it’s pretty useless at such a young age, why don’t we?

I’ll report in a few weeks when I inform my kindergartner’s teacher that he will not be participating in homework assignments.

I’m sure that’s going to go over well.

This article was originally published on March 11, 2016

• Learning Tips
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Age Parents Should Stop Helping With Homework: Pros and Cons 

• by Joseph Kenas
• February 6, 2024

As much as students need to do their homework, sometimes parents must offer substantial help. Parents need to guide their children to handle their assignments in the best way possible.

Even though help to children is beneficial, some parents tend to go overboard. They deny children the ability to be independent and do their assignments on their own. 

Anxiety and fear of failure are some of the greatest contributors to parents helping their children with homework. Though it is obvious that parents want their children to pass their exams, some go to the extent of doing homework on behalf of their young ones.

Nonetheless, such an approach can negatively impact the academic journey of children. Students will develop the tendency to depend more on their parents.

At What Age Parents Should Stop Helping With Homework

There is a limit to how parents oversee their students’ academic journey. At a certain age, a parent must stop helping their child with homework.

You must foster a culture of independence in your kid. At the age of 12 years, children will be ready to do their homework by themselves . 

When the child is of age to do his or her assignment alone, you should not quit helping where necessary.

That is why monitoring your child’s homework is important. But as you do so, you need to instill in your child the needed study habit and skills of hard work.

And that means you do not have to do their assignments. Yours should be to offer insight so that the child stays on the right track.

Reasons Why Parents Need to Monitor Children’s Homework

1. improve children’s social skills.

Monitoring your child’s homework gives you the chance to interact with them. As you do so, their social skills are bound to become better. Your child will know how to interact with other students while at school. Through interactions, your child can take advantage of teamwork or group discussions to perform well in their studies. 

2. Give Guidelines

Students need to know the guidelines that encompass answering questions. Such guidelines can either come from tutors, teachers, or parents.

As a parent, you must monitor your children’s homework to ensure they are following the right guidelines. Where they need help, be willing to offer the necessary assistance but do not overdo it. 

3. Know their Strength and Weaknesses

Understanding the strength and weaknesses of your child enables you to engage their teacher on where the problem is. That is why you need to monitor their homework. You can easily tell where your child is struggling.

Once you identify their weaknesses, share them with their teacher or tutor. The teacher should take the necessary mitigation measures to enhance the performance of your child in the subject they are struggling in.

Reasons Why Parents Should Help Kids With Homework

1. enhance self-confidence.

Students who perform poorly in their academics can experience low self-confidence. Obviously, this will have a negative impact on their self-esteem.

As a parent to such a student, you need to be willing to offer the necessary help.

You can start by helping your kid with homework. Get to know which subjects they are struggling in, and help them answer assignment questions. 

2. Improve Creativity

Right from home, parents must help students in their academic journey. By helping them unravel some tough assignment questions, students become more creative and are motivated to do homework .

They learn the various ways to solve various quizzes. In this way, they can become critical thinkers. At school, the teacher will be able to nurture and accelerate their creativity and critical thinking. Therefore, parents have no otherwise but to be at the forefront in helping kids with homework.

3. Become Good Organizers

Kids tend to be very careless while doing their assignments. They are prone to falling prey to distractors which rob them of the concentration to do neat work.

And that is why parents need to take the initiative of helping their children with their homework. You can instill in them the culture of being good organizers. It is possible through enlightening them on how best to organize their homework and the benefits of submitting neat work.

4. Time to Bond With Your Child

As you help your kid with homework, you also get time to bond with them. You get to know more about your child and how best you can assist him or her academically.

It is crucial since you also improve their social skills. By giving examples, your child gets to know how to solve somehow hard questions. And that will boost their academic performance.

 Dos And Don’ts Of Helping Kids With Homework

There are some factors to consider as you take the initiative to help your kid with homework. They are rules that guide how best to help your kid. Besides, there are some things you should not do.

1. Work Closely with Educators

You get to know how best you can assist your child with their assignment.

It prevents over parenting and the over-reliance of students on parents to do their homework.

2. Reviews your Child’s Assignment

You can identify some of the mistakes your child is making. You can then help them correct in advance.

3. Be your Child’s Greatest Fan

Give your child the support necessary to help him work on their assignments. Provide the reading materials that offer knowledge and answers to the questions in their assignments.

Don’ts

1. do not allow frustration to take the better side of you.

Even if your child provides a wrong answer, do not show them your frustration. Instead, work towards helping them to realize their mistake to correct it.

2. Do not be Too Hard on Your Children

Remember, your children need time to relax after school. Do not just force them into doing their homework right away.

3. Do not Do the Assignment on their Behalf

Your kid needs to learn to be independent. Even when they can’t do homework ,as you help them with their assignment, ensure they can answer the questions by themselves.

Parents need to help their children with homework. However, there is always a catch. There is a specific age when children need to start doing their assignments on their own. When the age is right, you only have to play the role of an overseer. Provide guidance, but do not play the role of a teacher.

Joseph is a freelance journalist and a part-time writer with a particular interest in the gig economy. He writes about schooling, college life, and changing trends in education. When not writing, Joseph is hiking or playing chess.

Why Should Parents Help with Homework: 7 Strong Reasons

Newborns, infants, and toddlers indisputably require their parents’ attention and assistance. They learn how to eat, walk, do simple tasks, talk, and solve primitive problems with the help of adults. Parents are their role models. When toddlers become school children, parents start doubting the necessity of their participation in all activities of their kids. They could help their children do some projects for their kindergartens. What about school years? Should parents help their kids do homework? How to do it right?

7 Useful Things Parents Can Do to Help Their Children Do Homework

Many parents believe that to help with homework means to do it instead of a child. Moms and dads are sure that their presence will not let a child become an independent and problem-solving individual.

In fact, the role of parents in homework help is a bit different. A team of online assignment experts who provide students with homework help name seven reasons that prove how significant parents’ assistance can be.

Strong motivation

Sometimes, teachers cannot find an approach for students and motivate them to learn their subject. Parents, in this case, have a stronger influence on their offspring. They know what interests their children and what to do to make them do STEM projects, perform an assignment, or read a book. Motivators can be different. 

The most popular are the following:

• spending more time with friends
• a tour to some country during the summer holidays
• the desired present on Christmas or Birthday
• all-inclusive shopping days

Besides, successful parents automatically become an example of good results in education. Due to such collaboration, parents and children will get to know each other. Moms and dads will know what challenges their kids face and perhaps, can think of hiring helpers or downloading apps to help students master a subject.   

Time management

Students, especially in primary school, are bad time managers. They do not notice the time flow and cannot balance it rationally. Parents can learn their schedules and consider after-class activities.

Adults are better at creating daily timetables. In a couple of days, they know how many minutes their kids need to do homework in STEM disciplines, Literature, Languages, etc. 

Parents work as notifications who remind of work and rest times. Besides, they control their child’s homework performance and prevent procrastination.

So, school children and college students are able to do everything on time, cope with deadlines, participate in after-class activities (clubs, organizations), and have enough time for fun.

Plan assignment performance

Each assignment needs thorough and well-thought planning. Specialists at the homework help service assert the value of outlining because it informs a learner about tasks required for a concrete assignment. For example, a STEM project involves the search for ideas, tools for its realization, research for the theory check, description of each stage, and conclusion.

It will be hard for a student to do that alone. The pandemic world made most of them stay at home being isolated from group mates. Parents might become their helpers who will assist in project budgeting, creation, testing, and description. 

Positive attitude to homework

Home is usually associated with coziness and a positive atmosphere. Parents should do their best to provide a comfortable learning environment.

Besides, it is necessary to encourage students and show a personal positive attitude to knowledge acquisition. When parents are indifferent or they help with homework when always in a low mood, children will develop a correlation “homework = something gloomy and unnecessary”. 

Better preparation for tests and exams

Students are often sure that they do not require revisions and practicing. Parents might interview their kids regarding some topic.

They can ask questions; look for tests on the Internet, and search for online simulators or apps to check their kids’ subject awareness. Such preparation for college exams and tests always manifests in positive results.

The main thing is not to overdo it. One person cannot be an expert in all disciplines. The score of home-performed testing should be close to those that learners get at school, college, or university.

If a student feels depressed about some subject, it will be a great idea to find online assignment help specialists. They are educated experts and are aware of tips and tricks that let students comprehend difficult aspects of STEM disciplines.

Positive oral speech development

Online helpers recommend reading the ready research paper or essay aloud to parents, friends, or relatives. Their job is to listen and express their viewpoint and considerations. This method helps to proofread the paper carefully and notice obvious mistakes. Besides, kids learn to speak in public with the required intonation and articulation. 

Healthy learning habits

“Switch off your phone”, “Listen to my instructions once again attentively”, or “Do you have everything required at your fingertips?” are the most common things children hear from their homework helpers. Consequently, parents create healthy learning traditions that include such essential habits as

• active and attentive listening,
• attention to detail,
• learning without distractions (mobile talks, notifications, noize, etc.),
• self-organization and control (having pens, pencils, chargers, WiFi, and other necessary tools within reach),
• time-management,
• no task delaying,
• prevention of burnouts due to no fuss and accumulation of undone assignments.

What Parents Should NOT Do When Being Homework Helpers 

Parents must help their children, but sometimes they turn their assistance into daily torture and become toxic. What should parents not do to make their assistance effective?

First off, they are not to yell at kids who cannot understand something. It usually happens to those who either do not understand the assignment themselves or who know too much and cannot stand their offspring’s ignorance.

Second, a bad mood and exhaustion make people irritable and aggressive. So, one should stay aside when experiencing the worst times.

Third, no fuss. It is better not to help than to do it anyhow.

Parents who cannot control their emotions and might become toxic should hire homework helpers. They have the corresponding education and pick up words and samples to explain the material effectively. It is better to entrust this job to specialists than to spoil relations with a child and lead to poor learning results.

Happy Parenting!

Divya is a writer, who loves to read and write. She is a Company Secretary by profession. She is passionate about art, reading, writing, music, and creativity. She loves to do research on ‘Parenting’ and discover new things now and then. Her passion about positive parenting pushed her to write on ‘Wonder Parenting’. Her loving daughter, Vachie, helped her to dig deep and reach new heights on Parenting. She believes that ‘Parenting is Patience’ and shares her own journey to express that parenting approach differs for every individual. Simple Living High Parenting!

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Editor’s Pick

Why Parents Should Not Make Kids Do Homework

P resident Obama’s pick for Education Secretary, John King, Jr., is headed for confirmation Mar. 9. King’s track record shows he loves standardized testing and quantifying learning. If he loves numbers and research, he should welcome what some teachers and families have known for years: that homework at young ages does more harm than good.

We’re currently enmeshed in a high-pressure approach to learning that starts with homework being assigned in kindergarten and even preschool. Homework dominates after-school time in many households and has been dubbed the 21st century’s “new family dinner.” Overtired children complain and collapse. Exasperated parents cajole and nag. These family fights often ends in tears, threats, and parents secretly finishing their kid’s homework.

Parents put up with these nightly battles because they want what’s best for their kids. But, surprise, the opposite is more likely to be true. A comprehensive review of 180 research studies by Duke University psychologist and neuroscientist Harris Cooper shows homework’s benefits are highly age dependent: high schoolers benefit if the work is under two hours a night, middle schoolers receive a tiny academic boost, and elementary-aged kids? It’s better to wait.

If you examine the research—not one study, but the full sweep of homework research—it’s clear that homework does have an impact, but it’s not always a good one. Homework given too young increases negative attitudes toward school. That’s bad news, especially for a kindergartener facing 12 more years of assignments.

Read More: Why You Shouldn’t Do Your Child’s Homework

Children rebel against homework because they have other things they need to do. Holler and run. Relax and reboot. Do family chores. Go to bed early. Play, following their own ideas. Children have been told what to do all day long at school—which is mostly sitting still and focusing on the academic side. Academic learning is only one side of a child. When school is out, kids need time for other things.

Some schools are already realizing this. New York City’s P.S. 116 elementary school made news last year when its principal Jane Hsu abolished homework and asked families to read instead. Individual schools and teachers from Maryland to Michigan have done the same, either eliminating homework in the elementary years or making it optional. But schools also report that if teachers don’t give it, some parents will demand it.

Believers in homework say it teaches soft skills like responsibility and good study habits. That’s another problem with homework in elementary school. Young kids can rarely cope with complex time management skills or the strong emotions that accompany assignments, so the responsibility falls on parents. Adults assume the highly undesirable role of Homework Patrol Cop, nagging kids about doing it, and children become experts in procrastination and the habit of complaining until forced to work. Homework overtakes the parents’ evening as well as the child’s. These roles aren’t easy to shake.

Read More: How Hard Is Too Hard to Push Kids?

When homework comes at a stage when it can academically benefit students, it can also be a student’s responsibility. That means a high school student should be expected to do her homework without being reminded. It may take a year or two of practice in middle school, but it doesn’t require years of practice. Before age 11, responsibility can be taught in other ways. For a 6-year-old, that means remembering to feed the cat and bring home her lunchbox.

If we want students to improve memory, focus, creative thinking, test performance and even school behavior, the answer is not more homework, the answer is more sleep. The National Sleep Foundation reports that our children are suffering sleep deprivation, partly from homework. If we pride ourselves on a rational, research-based approach to education, we must look at the right facts.

Parents often feel stuck with homework because they don’t realize they have a choice. But they do. Schooling may be mandatory, but homework isn’t. Families can opt out. Parents can approach the teacher either about homework load or the simple fact of doing homework at all, especially in elementary school. Many teachers will be more than happy with the change. Opting out, or changing the homework culture of a school brings education control back down to the local level.

That’s another thing the new Education Secretary has promised: to turn more control for education decisions over to states and local school districts. That could spell good news for students – if local teachers and principals do their own homework and read up on what the research says about making kids do school work after school is done.

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A Fine Parent

A Life Skills Blog Exclusively For Parents

Child Not Doing Homework? Read This Before You Try Anything Else

by Tanith Carey . (This article is part of the Be Positive series. Get free article updates here .)

Instead, Lily had just scribbled all over her homework worksheet, thrown her pencil on the floor and was now yelling at the top of her voice: “ I hate Math! I suck at it!”

With my younger daughter to put to bed, Lily in a melt down and me exhausted after a day at work, the tension was rapidly rising.

But even if I could calm ourselves down , there was no end in sight. Even if I could persuade her to finish her math homework, Lily still had the whole book reading to do.

So I was facing two choices –

Should I stand over her and insist that not doing homework was NOT an option?

Or should I tell her to put the books away, write a note to her teacher and just let her unwind and play in the lead up to bedtime?

Have you been there? What choice would you make?

The choice I would make now is very different to what my choice would have been a few years back.

Back then, I’d try to push through with a mixture of cajoling and prompting and assurances that she did know how to do her Math  really .

If that didn’t work then maybe in despair and frustration that she didn’t seem to want to try, I would have gotten angry and tried to explain how serious I was about this.

A Game of One-Upmanship

After all, what choice did I have? From the very early days in the private nursery she attended, I found myself surrounded by lots of other mothers locked into the same race to make their children the brightest and the best.

As Lily got older, I came to learn how insidiously contagious  pushy parenting is.

If one of the mothers spotted another parent with a Kumon Math folder, we all rushed to sign up too – for fear our children would get left behind.

Neurosis underpinned every conversation at the school gates – particularly as all of us were aiming to get our children into a small handful of selective private schools in the area.

Bit by bit, the parenting journey which had started off being so exciting and rewarding, was turning into a stressful game of one-upmanship .

But children are not products to be developed and put on show to reflect well on us.

Depending on what happens on the night, every child is conceived with a unique combination of genes which also maps out their strengths, weaknesses and personality traits before they are even born.

Lily may have been bred into a competitive hotbed. But as an innately modest and sensitive child, she decided she did not want to play.

The alarm bells started ringing in Grade Three when, after I personally made sure she turned in the best Space project, she won the prize. While I applauded uproariously from the sidelines, Lily, then seven, fled the room in tears and refused to accept the book token from the Head.

When she calmed down, she explained she hated us making a fuss. But what is just as likely is that she disliked the fact that her successes had become as much ours as hers. Even at that young age, no doubt she also realized that the more she succeeded, the more pressure she would be under to keep it up.

Over the next few years, the issues only deepened.

The Problem of Not Doing Homework

The increasing amounts of homework sent home by the school gradually turned our house into a war zone – with me as the drill sergeant.

Homework is one of the most common flash points between kids and parents – the crossroads at which academic endeavors meet parental expectations at close quarters – and behind closed doors.

Surveys have found that homework is the single biggest source of friction between children and parents. One survey found that forty percent of kids say they have cried during rows over it. Even that figure seems like a dramatic underestimate.

Yet more and more, it is recognized that homework undermines family time and eats into hours that should be spent on play or leisure.

A straightforward piece of work that would take a child twenty minutes at school can easily take four times as long at home with all the distractions and delaying tactics that go with it.

As a result, children get less sleep , go to bed later and feel more stressed .

Homework has even started to take over summer vacations.

Once, the long break was seen as a chance for children to have adventures, discover themselves and explore nature. Now the summer months are viewed as an extension of the academic year – a chance for kids to catch up or get ahead with workbooks and tutoring.

But ultimately homework abides by the law of diminishing returns.

Researchers at Duke University found that after a maximum of two hours of homework, any learning benefits rapidly start to drop off for high school students.

While some children will do everything to avoid doing it, at the extreme others will become perfectionists who have to be persuaded to go to bed. Some moms I spoke to had to bribe their children to do less!

Given the cloud of anxiety hovering over them, no wonder some of these children perceive education as stressful .

Pushed to the Brink

While all of us would say we love our children no matter what, unfortunately that’s not the message our kids hear. Instead, children become angry when they feel we are turning them into passive projects. Rather than feel like they are disappointing us, they disconnect. Early signs may be they become uncommunicative after school, stop looking parents in the eye, become secretive or avoidant.

But we need to remember that unhappy, stressed kids don’t learn.

Over the next few years, Lily’s insistence on not doing homework kept getting worse. To try and get to the bottom of it, my husband Anthony and I took her to see educational psychologist who found strong cognitive scores and no signs of learning difficulties.

But what the report did identify was how profoundly Lily’s self-worth had been affected .  Even though I had never once told her she should be top of the class, she still felt she had to be good at everything. If she couldn’t be, she didn’t think there was any point trying at all.

It was clear despite our best efforts to support her, Lily constantly felt criticized . She was becoming defensive and resentful.

Most serious of all, by claiming she couldn’t do her homework – when she could – she was testing if my love for her was conditional on her success.

I had to face up to the painful truth that unless I took immediate action – and killed off my inner Tiger Mom – my child and I were growing apart.

So for the sake of my daughter, I realized I had to change direction and take my foot off the gas .

When her tutor rang to tell me Lily needed a break, I was delighted to agree. Since then, I have let her focus on the subjects that really matter to her – art and music – and have let her decide what direction to take them in.

I also made a deliberate effort to spend time with Lily – just the two of us – so we can simply “be” together. Now instead of trips to the museums and classical concerts, we go for walks in the park and hot chocolates.

The Difficult Journey Back

To help her recognize and dismiss the voice that was bringing her down, I took her to see a Neuro-Linguistic Programming coach who teaches children strategies to untangle the persistent negative thoughts that undermine their self-belief – and replace them with positive ones.

Before we began, Jenny explained that Lily’s issues are not uncommon. As a teacher with 30 years’ experience, Jenny believes the growing pressure on children to perform from an early age is contributing to a general rise in learning anxiety. The youngest child she has helped was six .

It’s children like Lily, who don’t relish a contest, who are among the biggest casualties.

At home, some have been made to feel they are not good enough by parents or are intimidated by more academic sisters and brothers. Some may develop an inferiority complex simply because they are born into high-achieving families.

Once established, failure can also become self-reinforcing. Even when they get good marks, children like Lily still dwell on the pupil who got the higher one to support their negative views of their abilities, making it a self-perpetuating downward spiral.

It’s when children start to see this self-criticism as fact that the negative self-talk can start.

As she sat on the sofa, Jenny asked Lily if she had ever heard a nagging voice in her head that put her down. Lily looked surprised but answered that yes, she had. Asked who it was, my daughter replied: “It’s me, but the mean me.”

Asked to draw this character, Lily depicted an angry, disapproving female figure with her hands on her hips, with a mouth spouting the words “blah, blah, blah.” When asked to name her, Lily thought for a moment before coming up with the name Miss Trunch-Lily, so-called because the figure is half herself – and half the hectoring teacher from Roald Dahl’s Matilda.

Now that Miss Trunch-Lily had been nailed, Jenny and Lily agreed an easy way to deal with her would be to talk back and tell her “Stop it, you meanie” one hundred times.

But that would take a long time, so Lily and Jenny came up with a quicker solution; imagining a canon which would instantly send a shower of 60 candies into her mouth so she couldn’t say another word.

Next time Lily heard her nagging voice, all she had to do was press an imaginary button and her nemesis would be silenced.

In the months that followed, Lily seemed to relax. Gradually the procrastination about homework started to vanish – and Lily was much more likely to open her books after school and quietly get on with her homework.

A Fresh New Start

Instead my husband, my daughters and I went on long walks with our dog. We examined different types of seaweed and examined crabs in rock pools.

Back in the cottage, we sat around and read books that interested us. I let the children play upstairs for hours, not on their phones, but in long elaborate role-plays, without feeling the need to interrupt once.

I would wager that Lily and Clio learnt more about themselves – and what they are capable of – in a single week than in a whole semester at their schools where they hardly get a moment to stop and think.

Of course, for the child born with a go-getting personality, teaming up with turbo-charged parents can be a winning combination – to start with at least.

But as adults, we have to start asking – how high we can raise the bar before it’s too high for our children to jump?

After all, a bigger picture is also emerging : a rise in anxiety disorders, depression and self-harm among children who have grown up with this continual pressure – and the emergence of a generation who believe they are losers if they fail, they’ve never done enough if they win.

Even among children who succeed in this environment, educationalists are finding pushy parenting creates a drive towards perfectionism which can turn into self-criticism when these young people can’t live up to such high standards.

I’m happy that in the midst of this arms race to push our kids more and more, there are changes afoot. Around the world, parents and educators are drawing up a blue-print for an alternative.

Whether it’s slow parenting , minimalist parenting , free-range parenting – or the more bluntly named Calm the F*** Down parenting , there is recognition that we need to resist the impulse to constantly push and micro-manage.

As a mother to Lily, as well as my younger daughter, Clio, I’ve decided I don’t want to be a part of all those crushing burdens of expectations. I want to provide a relief from it.

Apart from the fact it makes children happier, it’s also so much more fun.

Now I love the fact that when Lily messes around in the kitchen making cupcakes, I no longer have to fight the urge to tell her to hurry up – and badger her to finish her homework.

Of course, not doing homework is not an option – but these days in our house the aim is to do it as quickly and efficiently as possible. If a concept is not understood, I don’t pull my hair out trying to be the teacher and trying to play ‘catch-up’. If Lily, now 12, genuinely does not understand it, I write a note to the member of the staff to explain that it may need further explanation. It’s a simple system and is working perfectly fine for us.

I like it that when she comes home from school, and I ask her, ‘How are you?’ I really mean it.  It’s no longer code for: ‘What marks did you get today, darling?’ and I’m not thinking ‘Hurry up with your answer, so we can get on with your homework.’

Most of all I love the fact that I can finally appreciate Lily for the person she is now: a 12-year-old girl with an acerbic sense of humor who likes Snoopy, play-dates and kittens – and not for the person I once wanted her to be.

The 2-Minute Action Plan for Fine Parents

For our quick contemplation questions today –

• Imagine meeting your child in 20 years times. Ask them to describe their childhood. Do they describe it as magical? Or do they look back on it as a race from one after school activity and homework project to the next?
• Ask yourself what do you want for your children? When you say you want your children to be happy, what has that come to mean to you?  If you really analyze it, has it drifted into being interpreted as professional success and financial acumen? Furthermore, have you come to judge success by a very narrow definition of traditional career achievement and earning power?
• Now check again. If you look around you, what do the happiest people you know have in common? Is it material goods, high-flying jobs and academic qualifications? Or is it emotional balance? If you approach the question another way, are the wealthiest people you know also the most satisfied with life?

The Ongoing Action Plan for Fine Parents

Spend some time sorting through any conflicts related to your kids not doing homework.

To start with, train your children in good habits and place time limits on how long homework should take from the start.

Ask the school how long a child should spend on each subject at night. Then you can help keep those limits in place by telling kids they can’t spend a minute more – or a minute less – than the allotted time.

Find the time of the day after school that works best for your child – either straight after arriving home or after a short break. Agree a start time every day so that the rule turns into a routine and there is less room for resistance and negotiation.

Don’t finish their homework for kids because you are desperate to get it off the evening’s to-do list. That will just mask the problem and get you dragged into a nightly conflict. Help them instead to take responsibility for their homework, while you provide guidance from the sidelines on an on-need basis.

About Tanith Carey

Award-winning parenting writer Tanith Carey is a mother-of-two who writes books which aim to address the most pressing issues for modern families – and how to build strong, resilient kids in today’s challenging world. Her latest book Taming the Tiger Parent: How to put your child's well-being first in a competitive world has been called a big picture book to ‘re-orientate our parenting’, ‘highly readable’ ‘well-researched’ and ‘ beautifully written’ by teachers, parents and professionals. The book has received global coverage from outlets ranging from the NBC Today Show to the New York Post to yahooparenting, the Guardian and dailymail.online. Her seventh book 'Girls Uninterrupted - A manual for raising courageous daughters' - will be published in February 2015.

December 22, 2014 at 9:14 am

This is interesting to me because it doesn’t match our experience at all. We are struggling with my daughter doing homework, but it’s more of an adolescent rebellion/lethargy thing.

My kids attend a Montessori school which generally does not assign homework. What homework they tend to get in the elementary levels is a packet of assorted reading and math that they have an entire week to do at whatever pace works for them. My son’s homework is optional and he always opts out. (He’s very busy at home drawing and playing piano and he’s already reading at a high school level in second grade, so we never worry about academics with him anyway.) But my oldest is in seventh grade and they are trying to transition the kids into what will happen in high school, and my daughter has balked at all the homework.

But we have never approached our kids’ homework as our responsibility. We are always available to help and answer questions, but I explain that I passed whatever grade they are in already, and this is their turn to learn and show what they know. It’s been much harder clamping down on my oldest and making sure she knows what the homework is and has it ready. I explained to her recently that I remember those rebellious feelings, but the only person she’s hurting is herself. She’s limiting her choices later by not doing homework. Her teachers care, but in the end it doesn’t impact them, either. It’s all on her. I also told her the worst case scenario is she ends up at the local high school by default instead of following her friends to better places, but that the local high school is good too, so it’s not the end of the world.

I actually worry when I read about other parents monitoring elements of their kids’ lives so much more closely than I do that I’m not doing enough, but my kids are smart and happy and kind and I think they will do fine in the world, so I suppose we will stick with what we are doing. Because all of us are getting some part of it wrong, regardless.

December 22, 2014 at 11:07 am

Thanks so much for sharing that perspective, Korinthia. I love your calm and collected approach to everything parenting, so I’m not entirely surprised with the way you approach home work 🙂 That said, in the circles I hang out, very few parents (if any) would be as calm about this as you are! I don’t know if it has anything to do with the fact that most of us are first generation immigrants and are quite fanatic about education…

Even among our friends, we are a bit of an extreme case. Our daughter goes to a private school. She’s had to do daily homework on weekdays (Mon – Thu) since Kinder. We did have some initial resistance, but it’s mostly a well-established habit now. When she comes home, we take a short break, and then she sits down for homework while I get dinner ready.

Most of the days, it happens without any issues. Some days, she tries to change the rules by wanting to play before homework. I understand her want to do that, but having come from a middle class family in a developing country, my perspective on this is very different. We are where we are, quite literally, due to the discipline we had in regards to education. That discipline is a very powerful thing and like many things the earlier you get it instilled the easier it is. I see it as my job to instill that discipline in my daughter. What she wants to do with it when she grows up is up to her. (In my own case, I’ve shelved a Ph.D to be a stay-at-home mom now and pursue what I really want to do. But that’s been possible only because my degree allowed me to get a high-paying job where I was able to save enough that I don’t have to worry about money for a few years. In those years, if I can find a way to earn a modest income from this site without selling my soul, great. If not, I’ll go back to my old job and repeat the cycle. It’s an amazing freedom to have!)

Anyway, so to me, it boils down to this: this is another case of the intricate balance we parents have to strike — we need to nudge our kids to reach their full potential, but without making it stressful and hopefully in a way that they actually enjoy the process. It’s not easy, and like you I wonder sometimes if I’m making the right choice. And here, I’ll defer to your wise words, because I can’t say it any better — my [daughter is] smart and happy and kind and I think will do fine in the world, so I suppose we will stick with what we are doing. Because all of us are getting some part of it wrong, regardless. 🙂

December 22, 2014 at 3:36 pm

I’m endlessly fascinated with how many ways there are to do things as a family. And it’s always interesting to know what others think of as normal.

I guess for us it comes down to the idea that learning is important, but grades are not. I had a horribly unfair incident in college concerning a grade, and I remember my grandmother smiling and saying, “No one ever asks me what my GPA was.” And it’s true. MIT was threatening to withhold my brother’s Master’s Degree over a deadline on a signature he had nothing to do with, and he just shrugged it off and said, “They can’t take back what I learned.” (They did finally give him his degree, but he really didn’t care.) Grades don’t really mean much. A “B” for one student may be a mark of a lot of effort, and evidence of slacking off for another. I’m more interested in what my kids actually know.

I think that’s why Montessori has been such a good fit for us. They teach to the individual, they don’t give letter grades, and there is no sense of competition, only striving to learn more about the world. We know by comparison to other schools around the city that ours is one of the highest performing, so we feel confident that they are getting a good education, but it’s their education, not mine.

Maybe because I grew up in a family of artists? We were always busy, always making things and learning something new. That’s what I want for my kids. I like that they are never bored, and that they LOVE school. They love it. They pretend not to be sick when they have a cold just so they can go. I guess in my mind that’s what school should be. Someplace to be excited about.

December 22, 2014 at 4:54 pm

It is fascinating, isn’t it? I think the way we grow up, and what we have experienced, colors the lens through which we see the world.

I agree with you that at the end of the day, learning, and the love of learning, are more important than everything else.

I think differently about grades though. Grades to me, are a reflection of how well you can apply that learning. Knowledge by itself isn’t enough. You need to be able to apply it in some way – either to earn a living, or help make the world a better place, or whatever. For kids, getting good grades are a way to practice applying/expressing their knowledge… it’s a very narrow and imperfect way to do it, but it’s what we have, nevertheless.

And, I look at absolute grades… not relative ones. In other words, I don’t care how many other kids did better or worse than her in any given test… I’m interested mainly in what she did or didn’t do well.

Just like us, she will sometimes be successful in applying that knowledge. Sometimes, not as much. The question then is, what can I do to help her better retain what she has learnt and apply it more effectively?

Now, if her grades aren’t good because of something outside her control, she is off the hook. If not, we hold her accountable, and work on it together to try and figure out what she can change/improve to do better next time.

So far, this seems to have worked and I haven’t beat the joy of learning out of her, yet 🙂 But, we’re still at the beginning of her learning journey… we’ll have to see what happens as we go along and things get more demanding and more complex…

PS: This is one of the more interesting discussions I’ve had on this blog in a while — Thank you! 🙂

December 23, 2014 at 4:10 am

Thanks for the very considered and calm discussion of this issue that is happening here. This piece is not about Lily so much as it is about how great it can be when we parents discard our baggage and come to our children afresh. My book Taming the Tiger Parent has been called ‘a book to re-orientate’ parenting – and really it is about one thing: Finding empathy and connection with our children without letting the world (which does not always want the best for our kids) to get in the way. Please share so that we get other parents have the confidence to do the same – and enjoy their parenting more..(and that’s just the adults!)

December 23, 2014 at 12:25 pm

Sumitha, I’m probably biased about grades because my own history with them has been so unrepresentative, and I think people place too much stock in them. In my kids’ school they work on preparing a portfolio of all kinds of work rather than relying on letter grades, and that works better for us. But as far as using grades simply as a barometer of whether a child is taking care of responsibilities that seems completely reasonable.

That’s one of the discussions I’m continually having with my daughter at the moment, that she needs to provide evidence for her teachers that she’s done the work. She feels the magic of a book, for instance, is marred by her picking it apart for an analysis. She’ll read the book, and she’s a good writer, but she resents the type of work assigned about it and sometimes won’t do it. (I used to do the same thing, so I get it.) I tell her she just has to pick her consequence. She can either suck it up and do the work, challenge the work by coming up with a different assignment that maybe meets the same criteria the teachers are interested in, or not do it. The first two improve her report card, and the third hurts it. The report card is a means to more choices about her future. (As her mom, I’m actually just happy she read and loved the book.)

In the end, I’m not worried. For her, bad grades at a good school are probably worth more than good grades at a bad school, and she will still have more choices than the average child. Wherever she ends up she will make it work, but that’s up to her.

I acknowledge we are in a privileged position, because she’s got enough talent and charm and resources and family that she will not starve, she will not be homeless, regardless of grades. I think the real key to success is figuring out your passion if you can, so you know what you’re working toward. As soon as she figures that out I’m convinced she has the skills and discipline to build a good life for herself. I did. (And my report cards would have given you a panic attack!)

December 23, 2014 at 9:24 pm

I have to agree with you and your daughter about the book reports — we did our first one a few weeks back, and it was decidedly much more unpleasant compared to just reading and enjoying the book!

Good luck convincing your daughter to pick one of the first two consequences. But it is clear that even if she picks the third you’ll take it in your stride — which is what I find so admirable about you 🙂

December 25, 2014 at 8:11 am

Such an interesting discussion, thank you!

One more piece to toss in there if you have time for it: http://www.thestrad.com/cpt-latests/bribery-used-motivation-practice/

I know it’s an article about practicing music, but it’s the same idea about grades as a reward, and how that backfires.

I think for me it’s not that grades are not important, it’s that they should reflect something real. If my kids are learning and working hard, the grades will follow. But their focus should always be on their education, not their grades.

December 25, 2014 at 5:04 pm

That is particularly true in music where racing from one music grade to the next, as kids do here, can destroy enjoyment of music for its own sake – and that is a very sad. It just becomes about teaching to the test. In my view children should have music as another language – and another outlet for emotion, not just as a way to build CVs

December 25, 2014 at 11:04 pm

Well said. Couldn’t agree more.

December 26, 2014 at 8:37 am

@Korinthia, sorry for the late reply — busy with the holidays.

Love that article you pointed to. Some time back, I came across several articles by Alfie Kohn and got very confused about this whole rewards thingie. At that point I was just starting to move away from threats, punishment and screaming, and thought I was doing good by using rewards and positive reinforcement instead, and Kohn’s articles turned that notion on it’s head.

Things eventually started to fall in place when I read the “Power of Habits” by Charles Duhigg.

My very unsubstantiated, unproven, non-scientific conclusion (which I wrote about here ) is based on this observation mentioned in that article — Kohn and his colleagues would admit that rewards, bribes and praise do indeed work in the short term — and Chales Duhigg’s observations that once a habit is formed, you can remove the reward completely from the habit loop and the habit will continue.

So in my opinion, if you use rewards as a way to establish a habit and not as the end result, they still have a place.

In the case of grades for instance, grades are a way to get into a consistent study habit which is — pay attention in class, learn what the teacher is teaching, review at home if necessary, let’s talk about it as much as you want or you can look things up in books/Net, apply in a test. At 1st grade it’s very hard to make learning *all* subjects fun, but a habit like this will apply to all subjects universally. Grades are a great way to get that habit started initially — they are tangible and there is recognition. As we go on, we focus the message on the learning — for instance, like me, grammar was not my daughters favorite subject. By looking at the test results and saying “Hey, you did well in your grammar test. You’re learning a lot for a first grader! What is this you’ve done here? Diagramming? We never did that in India. Will you teach me how to diagram a sentence?” implicitly acknowledges the grade on that test, but the grade isn’t the focus. When she draws on her white board and teaches me how to diagram a sentence, there is pride and joy in her and now she is a lot more interested in grammar.

I am not a music person (I know, sorry :)) but I would think that using a reward to get a child to practice until the child’s first performance isn’t a bad idea. Once the child performs in front of an audience, and enjoys that sense of accomplishment, the practice habit will likely carry through, even if you remove whatever temporary reward you used. If the child has an inclination towards music, they will learn to enjoy the practicing part of it too as they go along — it’s just a matter of getting them to do it for long enough to recognize that.

December 26, 2014 at 8:54 am

@Korinthia, I’m still thinking about it 🙂

The latest discussion reminded me about the marble jar experiment you shared on your blog some time back ( here ). At first your kids may have done the chores to earn those marbles to get the screen time or other things (rewards). But once the system (habit) was established, the marbles (or the things they could buy) is not necessarily a motivator to do the chores… it is “just how things are done” — a simple habit/system that removes the need for verbal negotiation, arguing, reminders, cajoling, power struggles etc from the picture and hence makes what needs to be done tolerable/fun for everyone involved.

December 27, 2014 at 3:48 am

To be honest on music, I think you also know your child is playing the right instrument when they do want to practice. I know that sounds idealistic but they will be much drawn towards that instrument if it’s the one that lights their ‘spark.’ Lily and Clio both do play the violin to a very high level – but as I explain in my book, that doesn’t mean I have had been to be an Amy Chau tiger parent to get to them point. Also music has become a way of life in our house, and they play music together, which helps.

January 2, 2015 at 9:19 am

(Sorry to keep this discussion dragging on forever, but it’s the kind of thing I really enjoy!)

Sumitha, I agree about using some rewards for forming habits. When my kids first started violin we got into a routine of combining practice with dessert. We don’t often have dessert, but to get them in a habit of practicing after dinner they would get marshmallows for each little thing they played. Then just at the end of the practicing. Then not at all and they didn’t notice. They were four and six at the time and that helped because it was easier to catch their attention with marshmallows than with some abstract sense of musical improvement, which on violin is painfully slow.

The hardest part about teaching beginning violin is to keep students essentially distracted from the fact that they don’t sound like anything for a long, long time, while they put in the necessary work that will improve how they sound. I used to use small stickers with my students to mark when songs were done, but it wasn’t much of a reward. My kids’ violin teacher uses toys and candy as incentives week to week, and I can see how it backfires. It takes the focus off the work and onto the treat, and not getting the treat feels like punishment. My son’s piano teacher doesn’t even use stickers–just checks things off so he knows not to keep working on them, and that’s working much better, but there is a lot more instant gratification to piano than there is to violin.

In terms of grades, we just view them differently. They tell such an incomplete story that they don’t interest me much. You know a little something if a kid gets all good grades vs. all bad grades, but beyond that, nothing useful. When I was in 7th grade I had a notoriously sexist shop teacher who would NOT give a girl an A in mechanical drawing. I know my first drawing in that class was better than the boy’s sitting next to me, but he got all A’s. I complained to my mom who told me when she was in college absolutely no woman could get an A in her advertising class, and she was far and away the best artist there. (Also, some agencies flat out did not hire women, which still blows my mind.) I got alternating A’s and failing grades in reading in 6th grade based purely on whether I handed in the assignments. The quality of the writing didn’t matter to the teacher. Would you rather hire a writer who writes well, or one who writes poorly but always meets deadlines? Depends on the need.

When I think about grades I always think about the valedictorian from my brothers’ high school class. One of my brothers spent his senior year at USC. He was second in his class because he got a B in one of those college courses. Number one? A girl who spent all of her high school experience striving for perfect grades. Her brother was the valedictorian of my class, and she felt she had to match that. It was expected. So she took courses purely based on what she could get an A in. She did not risk taking physics, or calculus. She avoided English and History classes taught by the more challenging teachers. She wasted her chance at an interesting education so she could say she was valedictorian. For myself as a parent, that would not make me proud at all. If as a family we were disadvantaged and that status would provide important opportunities my child wouldn’t otherwise get, then sure, that would be a worthy (if distorted) goal. It’s all relative, and again, every family is different.

Tanith, I agree that kids have to play an instrument that speaks to them. I wish more parents knew that. I had a sample lesson once with a really hostile boy who had a ton of talent and ability, and his mom was making him play. I asked him what he would rather do, and he wanted to play guitar. I told his mom I thought he should switch (or even just add it) because violin brought him no joy. At it’s core, music should be about joy. His mom had a sense of “violin is better” and it was a status thing for her. She was shocked I suggest he be allowed to play guitar and said, “You think guitar is okay?” I told her there was nothing wrong with guitar, and if he liked what he was playing he would do better and enjoy it more. Glad your children like playing violin! One of my projects for the new year is to start building a full size one for my oldest and have her help. (Not many kids get to play a violin they literally had a hand in making, so that should be fun!)

January 2, 2015 at 11:02 am

I love this discussion, too Korinthia! Thank you so much for it. Both writing about it, and reading your’s and Tanith’s points of view has been great for me for sorting through what I want/stand for, in terms of grades, homework etc. for my daughter. With our choice to send her to a private school, these are a part of our everyday life and being more clear about it sure helps!

Your words “If as a family we were disadvantaged and that status would provide important opportunities my child wouldn’t otherwise get, then sure, that would be a worthy (if distorted) goal.” — this describes my life quite literally. While I can see your perspective on grades and it makes a ton of sense, it is hard for me to actually be that cool about it, simply because I am where I am because of the grades, degrees etc (I had written a guest post a while ago that may provide some background here – on money and happiness ). Even though grades/degrees haven’t brought anything of real substance to my life, they nevertheless are the tickets that opened a lot of doors for us and so I simply can’t bring myself to totally break free from them — but I am happy that through these discussions, I am broadening my perspective a bit and hopefully my daughter will benefit from it!

About music, most Asian kids end up in piano classes by default, but my daughter didn’t quite show any interest in a play keyboard she had as a kid which I took as an indication that it’s not her “thing”. I’ve talked to her a couple of times about guitar classes — while she shows interest in it for the novelty of it, she didn’t pounce on it like when I mentioned art class. A lot of my friends argue that kids can doodle and paint at home and there’s no need to spend on classes, and that money is better spent on music so we can introduce something ‘new’ to our kids. I see that point, but I am a believer of the 10,000 hour rule and if she loves art, and doodling, I’d rather pay for her to just take classes in that and hone that craft. Again, no idea if that is a good choice or if it will come back to bite me in the future… we’ll see 🙂

December 23, 2014 at 6:54 am

I really like what you have to say. It converges well with what I have said in my book, The Homework Trap: How to Save the Sanity of Parents, Students and Teachers.

December 23, 2014 at 8:41 am

Thanks for sharing that, Dr. Goldberg. Sounds like an interesting book. I will try to grab a copy of it.

December 24, 2014 at 3:51 am

Thanks Dr Goldberg. I will be definitely checking out your book and sharing it. I think it’s so important that writers in this area band together so others can see there there’s a strong movement forming, questioning where the current educational ethos is leading us.

November 20, 2019 at 7:28 pm

January 2, 2018 at 10:44 am

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October 17, 2018 at 1:18 pm

So what was the title of this BOOK I didn’t read !?!? Guess I overlooked it !!! Just look for a few good pointers not a book to read !!!

May 15, 2020 at 9:36 pm

Thank you SO much for these words….

December 22, 2014 at 10:12 am

Ooh Tanith, excellent article, thank you for sharing this with Sumitha and the rest of us. It was more than I expected. At first I thought, “Well, my kid doesn’t really have issues too much with homework . . . but I’ll look it over.” Very glad I did, it’s much more than homework!

Yes, the delays and distractions, that’s what I have here with my 9 year old. Despite our questions to the school, we never got a complete answer as to how kids were “sorted” each year into what class. Turns out they did it by testing scores and not the “mix-up” of kids to juggle things up from year to year as I was originally told years ago. Of course this created a bit of hurt pride and friction about the subject with my husband and I towards the school as we of course thought our child should be in with the other kids. Even now, with a friend’s child being in the other class, there is a pressure for our own child to do better, push harder, get into that class. Luckily my husband is more level-headed about it than me and this article gave me a good wake-up call. The amount of work they had was more than her class and gave me some concern as to whether she was learning enough. Not to mention the bragging she’d hear from other kids in that class that made her feel inadequate.

Not every child is going to be the next Einstein and we know our daughter is a smart girl but has a stronger pull, like your Lily, toward art and other subjects. We have to enhance their skills and passions and not just push, push, push for the grades and I feel I was like you as well, nervous with the report card. I was proud of her but wanted her to do better but my husband would say, she’s done well, you can’t compare her to so and so and I couldn’t and shouldn’t have. It hit home quickly last year when at the end of the school year, she had two awards and was so happy and I saw a few grades and felt a bit disappointed. I could see it took the wind out of her little sails and I told myself to get my act together and stop it. There was the summer project already spread out on the last day of school, which is a bit discouraging as not all schools do it and it’s a yearly thing for us but we took it in stride.

It also made me wonder about kids that are pushed, some take it out in frustrations and others, it seems to us, do the opposite and just push themselves to the point that they even feel that’s what matters most and I feel sorry for them. I wonder if that bragging isn’t covering up insecurities or worries.

I was worried about her starting to read as a preschooler when I found out one of the teacher’s kids was particularly gifted and rolling along at a very fast rate. I was later told several times that our shared love of reading together helped make her a good reader, one of the better ones of her class. When I took the pressure off of making her read, when often she didn’t feel like it, other than sitting with me while I read, it was more enjoyable and her reading progressed along just fine. Last year it was math that was the issue and now she’s doing very well in math but her language/vocabulary aren’t what they were. A cycle of some kind, who knows but we work on what needs tending to and I try not to push her to where she feels there is nothing else. She still needs that down time, that play time, enough sleep for certain and a chance to be a kid still, she is one, after all.

We have an allotted time for homework and I contact her teacher if something is a problem. I don’t help her like I used to but guide her and she takes pride in her work and getting her corrections done in school with the teacher.

Parenting is an everyday learning course. Obviously this article hit home, thank you. I look forward to more of your work Tanith and thank you as always Sumitha. A blessed holiday season to you both and a break that’s filled with fun and not work!

December 22, 2014 at 12:06 pm

Thank you so much for sharing that, Bernadette. There’s nothing like listening to stories from other parents and finding that common thread to feel normal again 🙂

We have the opposite combination in our house – my husband’s really fanatic about how my daughter does in school, while I am a little more level-headed.

I think the biggest eye opener for me were these words from Tanith – “for the child born with a go-getting personality, teaming up with turbo-charged parents can be a winning combination – to start with at least. But as adults, we have to start asking – how high we can raise the bar before it’s too high for our children to jump?” Our daughter has a very competitive streak, and at first it did look like my husband pushing her to be the best was really a good combination. But then she messed up one test and the fall out was beyond ridiculous. I couldn’t believe my husband’s (over) reaction or that overnight, my daughter was turning into a liar right before our very eyes. Where she thrived on competition before, she started to make excuses and make up stories. I had to put my foot down and set some explicit house rules about what is acceptable and what is not, on both their parts. It took a while but we have a working system now. I’m keeping my fingers crossed and hoping that we can nourish her strong natural tendency to try to be the best and the joy she gets from accomplishing things, without letting it take over or be the only thing! Like Korinthia said above, it is almost guaranteed that we won’t get it all right all the time… the key is to do the best we can, and like you said, keep on learning!

December 23, 2014 at 4:17 am

Dear Bernadette. I think you hit on a very interesting point here. “It also made me wonder about kids that are pushed, some take it out in frustrations and others.” I have been exploring this point because I believe that one of the unacknowledged knock-on effects of competitive parenting is sibling rows and tension. The children don’t just compete to win in the outside world – they do it at home too, leading to many more squabbles and less happy home. My girls Lily and Clio, for example, have never got on better – they collaborate and help each other with music, homework etc Yet I hear other parents proudly trumpet how they have children dead set on beating each other as if they was making them excel further. Instead is sets up a template that I believe can ruin sibling relationships into adulthood Another reason to take the foot of the gas….

December 22, 2014 at 11:24 pm

Really liked the article. Parenting is like walking on a razor’s edge and very rightly said, ‘all of us are getting parts of it wrong’…. Regardless :)..

Stay happy, keep the kid happy and let them be!

December 23, 2014 at 4:18 am

Thanks Anshu. Please share if you can to give other parents the confidence to take their foot off the gas!

December 23, 2014 at 8:42 am

Thanks Dr. Anshu. Stay happy, keep the kid happy and let them be! — that’s a great mantra to live by 🙂

February 8, 2016 at 7:38 pm

This could not polbsisy have been more helpful!

February 21, 2016 at 6:54 pm

Great. I am so pleased you found it constructive.

February 21, 2016 at 6:47 pm

Encourage him to express his opinion, talk about his feelings, and make choices. Show enthusiasm for your child’s interests and encourage her to explore subjects that fascinate her. Provide him with play opportunities that support different kinds of learning styles — from listening and visual learning to sorting and sequencing. Ask about what he’s learning in school, not about his grades or test scores. Thanks!

February 21, 2016 at 6:53 pm

‘Ask about what he’s learning in school, not about his grades or test scores.’ Exactly

February 23, 2016 at 3:51 pm

Hi Tanith Carey,

I agree with you because it can be hurt child mind. Rest other motivation way very good from Evelyn W. Minnick. Also, I have written a blog for helping kids and it’s related to this article. “Best Ways to Get Your Kids to Do Homework Without All the Drama” To read this article visit at http://universityhomeworkhelp.com/best-ways-to-get-your-kids-to-do-homework-without-all-the-drama/

I hope my answer will help more readers of this article.

Thanks Nancie L Beckett

February 25, 2016 at 5:05 pm

This is a great article with lots of quality information about handling homework with kids. I’m a Tutor, you don’t believe “My kid Refuses to Do Homework Assignment.” After lots of research I got a solution, but it takes time. So I’m sharing with you.

Here’s How to Stop the Struggle:-

1. Try to stay calm 2. Set clear expectation around homework time and responsibilities. 3. Play the parental role most useful to your child. 4. Keep activities similar with all your kids. 5. Start early and Offer empathy and support. 6. Use positive reinforcement and incentives.

I used those. Meanwhile, I have written a blog about “How to Make Studying Less Stressful and More Fun?” visit at https://www.24x7homeworkhelp.com/blog/how-to-make-studies-less-stressful-and-more-fun/

Let me know if you have questions

Thanks Arlene B. Morgan

April 14, 2016 at 9:52 am

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August 2, 2016 at 3:46 am

The reality is that every kid is different and what works for one child may not work for another, even with kids in the same family. When our children were small, our goal was to make the actual work process and homework help as pleasant as possible. This was most commonly accomplished by placing a fuzzy, lazy cat on the lap of the student. Very few children (or adults for that matter) will rise from their chairs when there’s a cat sleeping on their lap. The cat also provides company without interfering with the actual thinking process.

September 21, 2016 at 2:47 pm

Very helpful information, my son who is 7 is not the biggest fan of homework. It does depend on the evening and last night was a doozy! He usually has Math every second day which is a review sheet from what they did in class. He acts out, lack of focus, complains that he is tired etc.

Last school year after Spring Break I had finally had enough, and decided homework would get done on my terms, I wanted my happy go lucky son back, so some nights we did not do homework, knowing that on nights that we did there would be more. That seemed to work.

This year my husband and I are working harder with our son, as he struggles with reading and writing. He is in Grade 2, but not at a Grade 2 level, we have support from his teacher, but last night when he was kicking up a fuss about Math, which he does well with I wondered if the subject he struggles with is the cause of the fuss. He even refused to read last night.

We know he feels like we are always working on learning, and we feel the same, but at the same time want to do what we can to support his learning development. I feel helpless at times, as I know he is aware that he struggles, especially when he says things like “I can’t read Mommy”. I try and keep it positive and that there are things that everyone struggles with, and we have to practice to get better.

I am always searching different ways to aid with his learning that will keep him engaged.

I know I rambled….

March 31, 2017 at 10:41 am

>>Of course, not doing homework is not an option – but these days in our house the aim is to do it as quickly and efficiently as possible. Well, I have to disagree with you, kids in Finland do not do homework and their schools simply gave up giving their students homeworks and nothing happened, Finland is still on first levels of education ladders. So it’s optional for everyone , however if it is not optional for you child you can always ask other people for math homework help or chemistry homework help.

April 6, 2017 at 12:09 pm

This article was helpful. While I don’t push my kid to be perfect or ask how other kids did compared to her I constantly get push back from my child with anything she doesn’t want to do. It can be very frustrating. She doesn’t like my input on solving problems at all so I have to just back off or deal with her covering her ears and tuning me out.

She fortunately listens to her teacher, but if she gets tired of something, she loves to tune people out. She is 7 now and has been this way since she was about 4. Example, she got tired of listening to her swim instructor at age 4 and would submerge herself under water so she didn’t have to listen. She is a CHALLENGE and if you give her the option to slack off with work she will do it. Not quite sure how to even go about it. She could care less if she got no credit for missing work. To her, it’s no consequence so it’s been difficult to figure out a workaround with her. She isn’t a spoiled child and if you took the few things she does have away from her, she is fine with that. I don’t like threatening to take things away though. I feel it solves nothing. Challenging!

November 4, 2017 at 9:59 am

Any advice for people who aren’t wealthy? The amount of time and money required for your solutions are absolutely not available to the vast majority of Americans. Neuro linguistic training and private schools? Impossible for all but a few. Most of us are *not* in some insane competition with other parents to push our kids into Harvard by starting waiting lists for preschool. Most of us just want our kids to be able to take care of themselves someday and be successful enough to be happy. Not doing homework is a problem for most kids, rich or poor, competitive or not, regardless of personality, regardless of parenting. This advice is about your child at all. It’s about what you did to your child and then had to undo. Not all kids have been conditioned to internalize the overbearing voice of their type A parents. Some just don’t want to do homework.

November 6, 2017 at 2:42 am

Thank you for this article. Wow, I relate so much to this article. I struggle with my 11 yr old to do homework. She’s exactly like Lily, a soon as she starts doing homework she calls for my help that she doesn’t understand. She’s very bright and learns right away, but I do see she’s stressing. She feels that she’s too slow and takes to long to finish her homework. I know is me without realizing I am pressuring her too much. I must change.

I’m going to change our schedule. I just realized that I didn’t make enough quality time. I need to change that and not pressure my princess about homework.

Thank you so much.

December 23, 2017 at 11:14 pm

Hi folks! My son is older, in 10th grade, and thus it is a very delicate time. That said, up until recently, he was working hard but generally doing well in Honors classes, AP Biology, and AP US History. He is also in band and very intererested in Congressional Debate in Forensics Club. He’s developed a forceful personality, and pursues his goals fearlessly.

Then, it seems a single English research paper broke the camel’s back. It was a walk-thru project: Do basic step A, use A to do 3 days of research in the library, identify a list of relevant quotes, analyze the quotes, develop a rough draft, etc. During the first stages, he always had a reason why it wasn’t done. The grading structure required every step to be completed before the next step started. So, he sat. Supposedly, he had a paper step written in Google Docs…but now he doesn’t remember the “dashed off” name (“stuff2958749.doc”, for example) so he considers that..and the previous steps useless. Why do I need to do this stuff, when I can just write the paper? Why?

My wife is an experienced special educator, and the teacher is engaged and working with us to give our son more options. Still, he pushes back. We’ve done so far as to negotiate him just working on the rough draft, and accepting the zeros on the skipped stages. Somehow, that devolved into him retreating into his room, slamming his door. He has proposed that the teacher “simply” nullify the assignment without a set of grades. If we accept this multiple zero, it will possibly wreck his entire class, possibly causing him to fail 10th grade English. In NJ, that means you don’t move forward to 11th grade.

I’ve had a couple of long discussions with him, away from his mother. He mentions a desire for a more intense structure. He references his stay at an advanced debate camp, where he engaged with other students…who were attending very expensive private schools. “One you see the outside world, you can never be satisfied with being trapped indoors”…he has restated this concept in multiple ways. These schools are beyond our reach financially, and in any case, they aren’t an option in the middle of a school year. And it is unlikely that he’d be accepted, if he wrecks his class grades.

Part of this scenario seems to be a desire to force us to engage with him, in an attempt to work around the school structure. He does have an IEP and 504, which in middle school once allowed him to work independently. Somehow, he thinks that is an option in 10th grade honors English.

Engaging is a real challenge. He’s confident in his ability to argue, and is fully willing to ignore our facts and predictions of fallout. He even discredits his mother’s deep educational knowledge and experience, and then criticizes my perceived lack of business success as ad hominem attacks. (I’m doing fine, but it forces me to defend, and thus is successful distraction.) So far, laying out consequences has been entirely ineffectual. He requires an answer to his “Why?”, but disregards the answers as inadequate. He demands an academic answer to why the teaching technique (the walk-thru research paper) is required or effectual, then derides it as “not a real answer”.

It ends up with a closed door.

The teacher is running out of patience, and we’re running out of ideas. I don’t think the teacher is even allowed to give more that she’s allowing, and might be bending the rules as-is. Our son spent 2 hours with counselors….not guidance counselors…counselors…giving them the same run-around. I think they (2 of them at the same time) gave their best, but they fell back to asking what he wanted: more time maybe?

I’ve read other sources. I see that a full-on psych eval was recommended. At this point, I’m fine with that if it helps. I suspect we’d need to get our son to buy into it. But would that still result in his English grade cratering? Are we risking a cascade failure into other classes?

It’s a very delicate time, and this scenario is not an easy one. I’d like to have simple, pat answer: he’s looking for attention; he’s stressed out over the sheer amount of work; he’s frustrated at the forced slowness of the curriculum; the class is group and can’t move at an accelerated speed (ans: it’s Honors.). But I’m guessing it’s more complex that 1 root-cause.

Given this, I’d not mind some considered advice. Thanks!

May 28, 2018 at 9:19 pm

O my, I do get this. My son pushes back a lot these days, partly the teen and hormones? Right now we are working with setting boundaries, coping with meltdowns and spending time each day bonding over something other than work. It’s horrible to have to walk on eggshells and think you cannot just talk to your kid and resolve something…so simple. My heart goes out to you. A lot of listening is required, and prayers. And in the end, we let him slow things down by an entire year. Take care!

March 17, 2018 at 3:48 pm

Oh my land, thank you for this. I found it today when my kid dissolved into tears after she dragged her homework on for 4 hours on a Saturday, while I nagged her and then snapped at her.

I left the room, googled “child won’t do homework”, found this and read it, went back into the room, hugged her and asked her if trying to make her homework perfect was slowing her down. She said yes, then we talked about that, and her inner critic, and what she could do about that awful little critical voice in her head.

Amazing – thank you.

May 28, 2018 at 5:06 pm

Just found your comment. So pleased it helped.

July 13, 2018 at 8:57 am

I think that if the child does not want to do homework, then everything is fine. I still do not know a single child who would like to do homework. I read the article that homework kills creativity, and I quite agree with that. After all, the child instead of spending time for something really interesting, should do boring homework. When I have a son, I will allow him not to do homework, but in exchange I will tell him that he must be interested in something that really will benefit him in development. Thank you for this article!

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November 12, 2018 at 3:23 am

I am brother of a 12 year old boy studying in seventh grade.I find him not getting interested in studying or doing homework after coming home from school.He is worried more about video games and TV.He get to do his home works only after continuous pressure from parents.He is very attentive,obedient and performs well in school.But at home , he says he need to rest from studies. I hope this tips will help him to get more involved in studies!

December 7, 2018 at 3:16 pm

The issue is process vs. results. By letting your daughter skimp on her homework, she’s going to pick up bad habits … such as doing what she wants to do instead of taking care of her responsibilities. We teach “Work hard, then play hard” in our home. Our goals are process-oriented, like show up for class and turn in your homework, rather than results-oriented, like why don’t you have an A in this class. By teaching our children to work, even when they don’t feel like it sometimes, they can build a foundation of responsibility that will “result” in a more successful, well-rounded experience. Some kids may be different … they may be given all the freedom you are preaching turn that into tremendous happiness. But I’ll build my foundation on discipline, and my children will earn their self-worth by taking care of their responsibilities … not throwing a fit until an authority finally gives in.

April 18, 2019 at 6:22 am

This is good

April 25, 2019 at 3:11 am

Thank you for sharing this article, you are very interesting to write, your blog is really interesting to read!

June 24, 2019 at 6:44 pm

This is really good and helpful. Thanks for sharing this article. 🙏

August 10, 2019 at 1:57 am

I think that the real reasons why the child does not do their homework can be very many of them all of their parents will never know. The main thing is to be able to find a common language in your child!

October 16, 2019 at 6:37 am

I have to agree with you and your daughter about the book reports — we did our first one a few weeks back, and it was decidedly much more unpleasant compared to just reading and enjoying the book!

October 20, 2019 at 1:04 pm

Children do not do their homework because they watch a lot of TV shows and play on the phone.

October 23, 2019 at 3:35 am

All parents want their children to be successful, successful and happy. Schooling is one of the important components of a child’s life. The school will be the main part of its reality for 8-10 years. Therefore, the baby needs to help adapt, feel comfortable and learn how to succeed

February 22, 2020 at 1:00 pm

nice tips, I hope it will help

February 22, 2020 at 11:50 pm

April 8, 2020 at 3:15 am

Anaerobic exercise, on the other hand, is where that max effort comes into play. It’s another form of cardio in which you should only be able to sustain activity for about 30 seconds before you need a break. It should feel pretty difficult for you to catch your breath while you’re doing this type of training (anaerobic meaning “the absence of oxygen”). Explosive exercises like plyometrics, sprinting, and even heavy weightlifting are all examples of anaerobic exercise. “The body uses phosphocreatine and carbohydrates as fuel [for anaerobic exercise] because they can be broken down rapidly,” Olson explains. “Fats take too long to break down as an energy source.”

May 5, 2020 at 2:53 am

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May 6, 2020 at 1:47 am

Hi, there! Great article! I heard that web design is now one of the most sought-after professions and if your children do not know who they would like to work, then go to the site and they will see how great this profession is!

October 24, 2020 at 6:16 am

Nice post! I’ve been looking for a site like https://afineparent.com/ , with a lot of useful information about children! thank you for your work, I’m going to read your articles

November 7, 2020 at 12:07 pm

https://twitter.com/AllCracks/status/1325104200490029059

January 29, 2021 at 6:04 am

wow, cool good meterial

February 25, 2021 at 6:06 am

Thank you for the article. This is a really powerful method. I don’t know what I would do without him. Homework and children are created in different universes, I think. Thank you for the blog, I will follow you.

December 27, 2023 at 6:12 am

Thank you for sharing this heartfelt journey. It resonates with many parents striving to find the right balance between academic expectations and their child’s happiness. How do you navigate the delicate task of encouraging achievement without overwhelming your child? #ParentingInsights

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Parents, Kids & Education: How Much Should Parents Help with Homework

Most parents have had the experience of walking into a classroom of school projects and noticing that some look like they were made by 3rd graders, and some look like they were made by 3rd-grade moms.

The debate over how much help parents should give their kids with homework is as robust as the debate over whether kids should even have homework. Wherever you fall on the latter debate, the reality is that 80% of kids are assigned homework weekly .

Should Parents Help with Homework?

When it comes to whether parents should support their children with homework, there is a clear answer: absolutely.

There are right and wrong ways to help your child with their homework, and your involvement can either encourage future success or hurt their ability to achieve independently.

In this article, we will discuss the reasons why parents should prioritize involvement in their child’s homework, and provide some practical tips to make the process helpful, effective and enjoyable.

What Do The Experts Say About Parents and Homework?

Experts and research confirm that parental involvement, when properly done , can benefit your child in many important ways. Of course, there are the obvious academic benefits.

A study published in the Journal of Educational Psychology found that parental involvement in homework was linked to higher academic achievement among middle school students ( Dettmers, Trautwein, & Lüdtke, 2009 ).

In addition to academic improvement, helping your child with homework has benefits well beyond academic performance. Being there for your child while they are doing their homework enhances character development and your relationship with your child.

When you help with homework, it gives both you and your little student the opportunity to bond. Even better than that, it helps children start to see their parents as helpful allies and friends during these study sessions.

According to a study published in The Elementary School Journal , when parents engage in joint homework activities, it not only enhances children’s motivation and attitudes toward school but also improves their perception of parental support ( Eisenberg et al., 2005 ).

This is an invaluable opportunity for parents to show their kids that they’re competent, helpful and that they value their education. This will cause kids to see their parents and their education in a more positive light.

Top 5 Reasons Parents Should Help Kids with Homework

Now that we have explored the ongoing debate surrounding parental involvement in homework, let’s delve into the top five reasons why parents should actively assist their children with their homework.

1. Never Pass Up Parent-Child Bonding Time

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As kids age, the moments we have to bond with them seem to dwindle. Engaging in homework activities with your child gives you a natural, unforced opportunity to spend quality time together.

Quality time your child wants to spend with you – win/win!

By sitting down and working on assignments, parents can establish a positive and supportive atmosphere, and strengthen the parent-child bond. This shared experience not only helps with academic growth but also strengthens the emotional connection between parent and child.

This time spent together sends a powerful message that education is important, and you are there to help support and guide them.

Helping your child with homework is also a rare moment for a parent to be the “good cop.” Kids frequently complain about homework, but the good news is – you didn’t assign it!

Usually, it’s assigned by a beloved teacher and you just get to be their supportive bestie, helping them through. Never pass up an opportunity to be the good cop.

2. Enhanced Understanding and Knowledge Retention

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Typically your child is in a classroom full of students, each with different abilities and learning styles. You are in the best position to know what your child is capable of and how they learn best. Here is a personal example.

I have a child who struggles with memorization. We spend time together learning how to use mnemonic devices to help them succeed where they might otherwise fail. In general, parents might be able to come up with new, child-specific, ways for their kid to learn.

Parents can reinforce classroom learning and overcome any possible difficulties their child might struggle through.

Parents also are not limited by the resources available in the classroom.

By explaining concepts in a different way, or providing additional examples, parents can deepen their child’s understanding and help them retain information more effectively.

Parents can use online resources, YouTube videos, and the “phone-a-friend” option to get their child a more comprehensive explanation of a difficult topic.

Learning about the Cold War? Chances are there is a relative who lived through it who would love to give your child a more personal history lesson.

3. Habits, Habits, Habits

Sometimes we feel like a broken record here at My First Nest Egg, but it is worth repeating: habits are established early, and the earlier you establish good habits the easier life’s challenges will be.

There are three main habits you can help your child internalize by helping them with homework:

• Studiousness
• Time Management
• Self-Regulation

Studiousness: Developing good and effective study habits will serve your child well past their school days, and into their adult work lives. It’s not easy for anyone to sit down and focus for an extended period of time, especially when the great outdoors or entertaining screen beckons.

Time Management: Guiding your child to develop a routine, plan their work, and prioritize tasks, encourages responsibility and self-discipline.

In my first job interview, I was asked how I would prioritize my work. Because I had spent years doing homework in a guided setting, I was ready with an answer.

By instilling good study habits and time management skills early, parents can equip their children with the tools that will serve them throughout their academic journey, part-time jobs , careers and beyond.

Self-Regulation: Parental help with homework also encourages children to learn self-regulation.

Research published in the Journal of Research in Childhood Education suggests that parental guidance during homework promotes self-regulation skills, such as time management and task persistence, which are essential for success in school and in all facets of life.

4. Confidence and Motivation

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Some kids breeze through homework seemingly effortlessly, and others struggle with nearly every question and problem. Completing homework can sometimes be challenging and overwhelming for children.

Parental involvement can offer encouragement, support, and praise, which can help build their confidence and motivation.

When parents actively participate and acknowledge their child’s efforts, it reinforces the belief that their work is valuable and appreciated. This positive reinforcement fosters a growth mindset and inspires children to persist and take pride in their accomplishments.

When your child hits an obstacle, there is a parent there to provide guidance and strategies for overcoming it.

Parents can teach children to break down complex tasks into smaller, manageable steps, thus empowering their children to tackle seemingly impossible challenges with confidence.

5. Parents Need to Be in the Loop

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Parents are usually going a mile a minute. Always running one child here, another there, and trying to balance meals and sleep and frequently a demanding job. It’s not easy to be in the loop as far as what’s going on in your child’s classroom.

When the Covid pandemic hit and children came home for school online, a lot of parents got their first glimpse into their child’s classroom.

Now that kids are back in school it’s important to stay engaged in your child’s education, to be informed about your child’s progress, what they are learning, and to connect with their teachers.

By understanding assignments and expectations, parents can communicate more effectively with educators, catch and discuss any concerns, and provide insights into their child’s learning style.

This partnership between parents and teachers creates a supportive network that enhances the educational experience, and ensures a comprehensive understanding of the child’s academic journey.

When parents and teachers collaborate, they can identify areas where the child may need additional support and enrichment, leading to a more tailored and effective education for the child.

5 Practical Tips for Effective Homework Support

Helping your child with homework can be a very difficult task. There can be tears, frustration, anger, and general angst.

Sometimes kids feel like they will never get it. They will never memorize it. They will never get as good a grade as the smarty pants who sits next to them.

All of these feelings are perfectly normal.

Think about this time with your child as your opportunity to give them the tools they need to manage these emotions and insecurities when they arise in other life situations.

Feelings of frustration and insecurity are recurring themes in life, and learning how to overcome them will pay dividends down the line.

We have gathered our 5 best tips for managing this stressful time so that it can have the most positive impact for you and your child.

1. Be Present and Patient

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This first tip might sound like it was taken from the walls of a yoga studio, but it is our number one tip for effective homework help.

When you are helping your child with the schoolwork, everyone will be much better off if you are in a good headspace to be present and patient.

Practically speaking, this might mean silencing your phone notifications, setting aside other obligations for 30 minutes, and engaging in whatever therapeutic methods you need to be as patient as possible.

Kids pick up on parents’ vibes.

If you are impatient, stressed, or view it as an annoyance, your child will know.

If you are relaxed and patient and have a positive outlook, your child will mirror that attitude.

If your child starts to get frustrated along the way, encourage them to take a break. Encouragement and patience will show them that you are confident in their ability to do the work on their own.

Helping your child with homework isn’t about always knowing the correct answer.

Often, you may be unfamiliar with the content, or with the methods each specific teacher uses, especially as your child ages. Don’t sweat it!

The most important thing is that your child feels that you are there to support them, and they will understand that you may not be able to assist them with every assignment.

If some concept or problem stumps both you and your child, try directing your little student to online resources like Khan Academy, which has video lessons and practice problems to guide self-study.

2. Routine is Key

Routines aren’t always easy or possible in a busy home, but they are important to successful evenings of homework. Establish a regular ritual for homework to help your child develop a sense of structure and responsibility.

The first step is to establish expectations for homework. If your child understands that they won’t get screen time or another privilege until their homework is finished, that will help them get it done earlier rather than later.

Secondly, create a communal space within your home for schoolwork where your child or children can work and where the parents can be nearby to offer support if needed.

Then, have a conversation with your child about what needs to get done for the night or week, and have them talk you through their plan for getting everything done.

If it’s helpful, you can even make a “To-Do” list together. This is a great time to ask them if they need anything, whether it’s supplies or help from you.

Practicing this will help to alleviate those last-minute trips to the craft store for a poster board due the next day that your child “forgot to tell you about.”

Next, ask your child how long they think it will take them to do the tasks on their list. Challenge them to set a timer for that amount of time and work uninterrupted on their own before they ask you questions or move on to any other tasks ( Harvard Graduate School of Education ).

The main thing you want to avoid is your child having to start their homework right when you say that it’s time for bed. Sleep is so important, and they will either sacrifice it to get the homework done or stress about it and not get a good night’s sleep.

Creating a schedule and structure with your child for how they get their homework done will make them feel less alone with their workload and give them a clear understanding of your expectations for their work.

This simple step will help your child get their homework done on time, efficiently, and to a higher standard.

3. Provide Guidance, Not Answers

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Critical thinking skills are much more important than the answer to any particular question.

Encourage your child to think critically and problem-solve on their own. Instead of giving them answers outright, ask guiding questions that help them arrive at the solution independently.

This approach will stimulate their critical thinking abilities, promote independence, and make them feel good about themselves.

There are so many resources available to kids now it could seem overwhelming.

Consider encouraging your child to take a more analog approach to finding answers. Keep helpful study aids at their homework desk. Dictionaries and kids’ encyclopedias and reference books are great ways for kids to learn how to research without expecting everything to “pop-up” when they enter a search term into a computer.

We need a generation that can come up with original ideas and problem-solve, not simply ask the internet for answers.

While the web provides many useful tools, kids need to learn how to find trustworthy sources, consult several references, and think critically.

If you can help your child develop these skills, they will be ready to tackle whatever problems the future throws their way with confidence and creativity.

4. Encourage Independence

We are all working towards the same goal – helping our kids grow into independent, successful adults.

While it is essential to support your children in academic endeavors, it is equally important to encourage them to take ownership of their homework.

While high-quality parental involvement in homework is linked to higher academic performance, too much parental involvement can be detrimental to academic performance (Dettmers, Trautwein, & Lüdtke, 2009) .

Micromanaging your child’s homework is the last thing you want to do.

If you take one thing away from this article, let it be that you should focus on being responsive to your child’s questions as opposed to attempting to control what they do or how they go about completing their homework.

Give your child room to grow and make mistakes and you will be blown away by the results!

Besides helping them with the occasional difficult assignment, you should be encouraging good study habits. This means that they have an agenda, write down due dates, take notes to study for tests, prioritize tasks, and manage their time.

These might feel overwhelming at first, but by the end of the 4th grade, they are all very achievable. Then they have plenty of time to work on mastery before high school.

5. Celebrate Achievements

These are absolutely critical years when parents get to help their kids grow their self-esteem.

Celebrate every homework achievement, whether it’s getting it done on time, getting a good grade on an assignment, or acing a test after having adequately prepared.

This is actual work kids are putting in on the job, and you cannot over-praise their efforts by recognizing their achievements.

Avoid saying that they got that grade because they’re so smart. Instead, point out that they worked hard for it and deserved it.

This will associate a rigorous work ethic with success and happiness that will serve them well in life.

Progress is the name of this game. Kids don’t have to be perfect to celebrate wins. Going from a D to a C is a win. Going from 10 missing assignments to 2 is a win.

Everything is easier in bite-sized pieces, so make sure to give every bit of incremental success its proper praise.

I have one child who needs more help with homework than the others. It is one of my sons.

We have experienced it all together – the tears and the triumph.

I asked him what he thinks of my homework involvement and he said:

“I like it. It’s one-on-one time, just the two of us. And I like that you know me so well so you can help me better than anyone else. You explain it in a way I can understand.”

Those are very powerful words of endorsement from a 10-year-old boy.

No one has ever wished they spent less time with their children. Parental involvement in homework is a valuable investment in your child’s education, development, and in your relationship with them.

By actively participating in homework activities, parents can nurture a positive learning environment, enhance understanding, instill good study habits, boost self-esteem and confidence, and foster effective communication with teachers.

Parents will go from authority figures to partners, and children will see them as someone who has their back and is willing to take the time to invest in their success.

Remember that helping your child with homework isn’t about doing it for them. It is about instilling the necessary skills to make them successful academically and in life.

By prioritizing homework involvement, parents help pave the way for their bright futures and a lasting healthy familial relationship.

2023 © My First Nest Egg

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Teachers Everywhere Have a Message for Parents: Stop Doing Your Kid’s Homework

By Trevor on Oct 8, 2020

Read Time: 4 minutes

I am a teacher, dad, and former fif th grader. Each of these parts of my identity has a different view of homework. My fif th grade self hated it. He hated having to work all day at school and then work at least another hour at home every night. The teacher side of me has a more nuanced view. I know my students may not love when I assign it, but I only give homework when I believe it will make them smarter, more skilled people. The dad side of me is back to hating it again. I watch my kids come home from school tired, but then I have to require that they sit at the dinner table and keep that engine running.  

This is where temptation creeps in. I can sit down next to my kids and help them skip a step on a math problem. I can suggest certain letters to help them breeze through their spelling worksheet. I can even do their homework. It is extremely tempting to relieve my kids of pressure, lighten their load, and improve their grade by just doing their homework for them. 

However, the teacher, dad, and maybe even a part of my fift h grade self knows that this is not beneficial in the end. As tempting as it may be, I have to let my children do their own homework. I don’t necessarily always want to make them do it. Yet, I know there is often value to at-home practice . I can help them with it as needed and be a part of their learning, but I cannot be in control of it. Here are my top reasons why parents need to stop doing their kid’s homework and let them fail and succeed on their own.

Your kid needs to have those moments of struggle.

I don’t want my kids’ lives to be stress free. Instead, I want them to know how to manage the inevitable stress they will experience throughout life. If, as a parent, I am constantly mitigating my children’s stress and mowing down any obstacle that they experience, I am depriving them of opportunities to develop this essential skill. Teachers see it every day. When parents don’t let go, students struggle in the classroom. The helicopter parents and lawnmower parents are depriving students of developing problem-solving abilities and the chance to overcome challenges. 

Our children might require us to guide them through difficulties at times, but we shouldn’t remove obstacles for them. This is why parents have to resist the temptation to help make that art project look prettier for them. It’s why asking questions like, “Do you feel like this is your best effort?” is better than saying, “You need to add another paragraph to this essay.” Kids need to work through challenges and tension if want them to be strong and resilient people.

Your kid needs to practice to get better. 

Good homework, t he kind that isn’t just busy work but is assigned by the teacher with purpose , can actually benefit your child . Deep learning doesn’t happen in a single moment; it takes practice. So when parents complete the work for their kids, they are robbing them of potential learning and growth. Ghostwriting that essay or putting together that project may speed things up for your child, but it is not helping them get better. And isn’t that the reason why we send them to school?

Teachers need to know how to help your kid.

Aside from practice, homework serves as an indicator for your child’s growth and development. A teacher who uses it well is assessing your child’s learning and taking that information to create activities that will help them improve. When parents do their child’s homework, the teacher is working with compromised information. The homework may indicate the student understands the material when they really do not. It would be better for the student to submit incorrect work than to pretend that they understand it and are ready to move on.

At the end of the day, your kid’s teacher probably knows you were involved.

Here’s a little inside knowledge from a teacher: We know when parents do their kid’s homework. Remember, we spend hours with them in school and regularly read, observe, and grade their work. If your child is a “developing” writer on in-class assignments, but then writes like John Steinbeck on their homework, it’s pretty obvious someone else did it. This nullifies the purpose of the work, and it goes back to hurting your child’s overall development. Your child isn’t getting practice, and teachers aren’t learning about your child’s abilities and growth. 

As a teacher, dad, and former fift h grader, I still don’t love the idea of homework. I don’t love that children, who work hard all day, are asked to do more work when they get home. However, I also see the value of it when it is done well . So when parents do the work instead, the work becomes pointless. Kids lose their sense of responsibility while also missing out on learning opportunities.

Keep encouraging your kids to tackle their homework. You can even ask them questions or help them study, as needed. Maybe even see if you can solve that math problem when your child isn’t looking—don’t feel bad if you can’t! But as tempting as it may be, for your child’s sake, stop doing their homework.

Check out the Let Grow Independence Kit—a different kind of “homework” for kids where they’re challenged to do something new entirely on their own. 

Comments are closed for this article.

Parenting Expert On What To Do If You Don't Understand Your Child's Homework - Exclusive

You definitely aren't alone if your kiddo brings home a school assignment that leaves you scratching your head. The National Center for Family Literacy found that nearly half of parents struggle to understand their children's homework (via Ed Week ). Obviously, if your child is coming to you for help and you are just as clueless as they are — if not more so — tensions can flare. Consider that a third of moms and dads confess that battling over homework has caused fighting in the home (via The Washington Post ).

With all of this in mind, we turned to Cathy Domoney , a world-renowned parenting expert and author, for help with, well, helping our kids with their homework. Because what the heck do you do when you don't get what they are learning in school?

Domoney was quick to confirm that it's not just us in this frustrating situation. "This is an excellent question and very relevant to me," she said, adding that math is the subject she struggles with. The good news is that the mom of many has a few tips for how to navigate this tricky terrain.

It's okay to show your child that you need help with the homework too

Cathy Domoney says a key way to handle homework help hurdles with your kids is to be honest. "I make a habit of openly sharing with my children when I am not confident in a subject," she told The List in our exclusive interview . Why is this important?

As Domoney explains, modeling that you are unashamed when you don't understand something in front of your kids "unconsciously gives them permission to do the same." She adds, "In the future they are bound to come across ideas and subjects that challenge them, and they need to feel confident about embracing those challenges."

So, showing that you too have "intellectual roadblocks" "helps you demonstrate that you may be initially clueless, but can seek the support and resources you need to learn more," she says. Then it's time to recruit some resources, from textbooks to those YouTube videos, tutors, friends who may have strengths in areas you don't and your child's teacher.

"The most important lesson you can offer is that learning occurs in pursuit of answers," Domoney concludes.

Recommended

11 Surprising Homework Statistics, Facts & Data

Chris Drew (PhD)

Dr. Chris Drew is the founder of the Helpful Professor. He holds a PhD in education and has published over 20 articles in scholarly journals. He is the former editor of the Journal of Learning Development in Higher Education. [Image Descriptor: Photo of Chris]

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The age-old question of whether homework is good or bad for students is unanswerable because there are so many “ it depends ” factors.

For example, it depends on the age of the child, the type of homework being assigned, and even the child’s needs.

There are also many conflicting reports on whether homework is good or bad. This is a topic that largely relies on data interpretation for the researcher to come to their conclusions.

To cut through some of the fog, below I’ve outlined some great homework statistics that can help us understand the effects of homework on children.

Homework Statistics List

1. 45% of parents think homework is too easy for their children.

A study by the Center for American Progress found that parents are almost twice as likely to believe their children’s homework is too easy than to disagree with that statement.

Here are the figures for math homework:

• 46% of parents think their child’s math homework is too easy.
• 25% of parents think their child’s math homework is not too easy.
• 29% of parents offered no opinion.

Here are the figures for language arts homework:

• 44% of parents think their child’s language arts homework is too easy.
• 28% of parents think their child’s language arts homework is not too easy.
• 28% of parents offered no opinion.

These findings are based on online surveys of 372 parents of school-aged children conducted in 2018.

2. 93% of Fourth Grade Children Worldwide are Assigned Homework

The prestigious worldwide math assessment Trends in International Maths and Science Study (TIMSS) took a survey of worldwide homework trends in 2007. Their study concluded that 93% of fourth-grade children are regularly assigned homework, while just 7% never or rarely have homework assigned.

3. 17% of Teens Regularly Miss Homework due to Lack of High-Speed Internet Access

A 2018 Pew Research poll of 743 US teens found that 17%, or almost 2 in every 5 students, regularly struggled to complete homework because they didn’t have reliable access to the internet.

This figure rose to 25% of Black American teens and 24% of teens whose families have an income of less than $30,000 per year.

4. Parents Spend 6.7 Hours Per Week on their Children’s Homework

A 2018 study of 27,500 parents around the world found that the average amount of time parents spend on homework with their child is 6.7 hours per week. Furthermore, 25% of parents spend more than 7 hours per week on their child’s homework.

American parents spend slightly below average at 6.2 hours per week, while Indian parents spend 12 hours per week and Japanese parents spend 2.6 hours per week.

5. Students in High-Performing High Schools Spend on Average 3.1 Hours per night Doing Homework

A study by Galloway, Conner & Pope (2013) conducted a sample of 4,317 students from 10 high-performing high schools in upper-middle-class California. 

Across these high-performing schools, students self-reported that they did 3.1 hours per night of homework.

Graduates from those schools also ended up going on to college 93% of the time.

6. One to Two Hours is the Optimal Duration for Homework

A 2012 peer-reviewed study in the High School Journal found that students who conducted between one and two hours achieved higher results in tests than any other group.

However, the authors were quick to highlight that this “t is an oversimplification of a much more complex problem.” I’m inclined to agree. The greater variable is likely the quality of the homework than time spent on it.

Nevertheless, one result was unequivocal: that some homework is better than none at all : “students who complete any amount of homework earn higher test scores than their peers who do not complete homework.”

7. 74% of Teens cite Homework as a Source of Stress

A study by the Better Sleep Council found that homework is a source of stress for 74% of students. Only school grades, at 75%, rated higher in the study.

That figure rises for girls, with 80% of girls citing homework as a source of stress.

Similarly, the study by Galloway, Conner & Pope (2013) found that 56% of students cite homework as a “primary stressor” in their lives.

8. US Teens Spend more than 15 Hours per Week on Homework

The same study by the Better Sleep Council also found that US teens spend over 2 hours per school night on homework, and overall this added up to over 15 hours per week.

Surprisingly, 4% of US teens say they do more than 6 hours of homework per night. That’s almost as much homework as there are hours in the school day.

The only activity that teens self-reported as doing more than homework was engaging in electronics, which included using phones, playing video games, and watching TV.

9. The 10-Minute Rule

The National Education Association (USA) endorses the concept of doing 10 minutes of homework per night per grade.

For example, if you are in 3rd grade, you should do 30 minutes of homework per night. If you are in 4th grade, you should do 40 minutes of homework per night.

However, this ‘rule’ appears not to be based in sound research. Nevertheless, it is true that homework benefits (no matter the quality of the homework) will likely wane after 2 hours (120 minutes) per night, which would be the NEA guidelines’ peak in grade 12.

10. 21.9% of Parents are Too Busy for their Children’s Homework

An online poll of nearly 300 parents found that 21.9% are too busy to review their children’s homework. On top of this, 31.6% of parents do not look at their children’s homework because their children do not want their help. For these parents, their children’s unwillingness to accept their support is a key source of frustration.

11. 46.5% of Parents find Homework too Hard

The same online poll of parents of children from grades 1 to 12 also found that many parents struggle to help their children with homework because parents find it confusing themselves. Unfortunately, the study did not ask the age of the students so more data is required here to get a full picture of the issue.

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Interpreting the Data

Unfortunately, homework is one of those topics that can be interpreted by different people pursuing differing agendas. All studies of homework have a wide range of variables, such as:

• What age were the children in the study?
• What was the homework they were assigned?
• What tools were available to them?
• What were the cultural attitudes to homework and how did they impact the study?
• Is the study replicable?

The more questions we ask about the data, the more we realize that it’s hard to come to firm conclusions about the pros and cons of homework .

Furthermore, questions about the opportunity cost of homework remain. Even if homework is good for children’s test scores, is it worthwhile if the children consequently do less exercise or experience more stress?

Thus, this ends up becoming a largely qualitative exercise. If parents and teachers zoom in on an individual child’s needs, they’ll be able to more effectively understand how much homework a child needs as well as the type of homework they should be assigned.

Related: Funny Homework Excuses

The debate over whether homework should be banned will not be resolved with these homework statistics. But, these facts and figures can help you to pursue a position in a school debate on the topic – and with that, I hope your debate goes well and you develop some great debating skills!

• Chris Drew (PhD) https://helpfulprofessor.com/author/chris-drew-phd-2/ 10 Reasons you’re Perpetually Single
• Chris Drew (PhD) https://helpfulprofessor.com/author/chris-drew-phd-2/ 20 Montessori Toddler Bedrooms (Design Inspiration)
• Chris Drew (PhD) https://helpfulprofessor.com/author/chris-drew-phd-2/ 21 Montessori Homeschool Setups
• Chris Drew (PhD) https://helpfulprofessor.com/author/chris-drew-phd-2/ 101 Hidden Talents Examples

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