essay on independence and me

Some Thoughts on Independence

Autonomy is critical for psychological and physical health..

Posted June 30, 2017

We will soon be celebrating a national holiday commemorating 13 American colonies’ declaration of independence from Great Britain. Although there were many reasons that prompted the American Revolution, the ultimate result was the birth of a new nation legally separated from its “Mother country.”

When we think about independence today, the focus is often on individuals and not countries. In this respect, the emergence of independence is a developmental process—most notably occurring during infancy, childhood , and young adulthood. The idea is that during each of these stages the individual begins to engage in separate and independent functioning. Soon the child develops a sense of who she or he is as well as the nature of their relationship with their parent.

Autonomy or independence is the natural order for the developing child and young adult to separate appropriately from their parents. Autonomy is often associated with positive feelings of being the one who determines and governs one’s own behavior; thus, giving a person a sense of freedom. Research has found that the need for autonomy is critical for a person to develop a sense of self and for their overall psychological and physical health.

Yet, not all people are reared in ways that encourage this path to healthy independence. That is, some parents are so focused on their own needs or standards that they use means of control (like shame , guilt , provision or withdrawal of love and approval) to influence their child’s behavior, which can have dysfunctional outcomes. For example,

• Some parents exert psychological control to the point that independence is stifled and the child/adolescent/young adult remains behaviorally and emotionally dependent on their parents. This type of maladaptive dependence can lead to separation anxiety and depression .

However, other parents who exert psychological control over their offspring by emphasizing too much independence can lead to problems as well. For example,

• Some parents expect that their child/adolescent/young adult demonstrate a high degree of accomplishment and independence in order to please and obtain their parents’ love and attention . In doing so, the offspring may become so achievement orientated that they have to “stand out” from others and consequently fail to develop close relationships and intimacy with people.

Can independence foster dependence? In some ways, yes.

Gaining independence helps us learn, explore, and evolve; yet, the world can be a scary and unforgiving place. The need to have others in our lives who we can turn to for comfort, support, and security is essential. Indeed, such dependence gives us the ability to be independent. John Bowlby , a British psychiatrist, wrote extensively about the importance of having attachments to others throughout our lives. Having people who care for us and make us feel safe and protected in times of need as well as being willing and able to do so, helps us become more autonomous. It gives us a sense of well-being and promotes attachments with others.

When we are young, parents usually fill the role as the attachment figure who encourages our independence. When we become adults, a romantic partner often assumes this role. Research has found that when a relationship partner supports the other partner’s autonomy, not only does this help the partner grow and pursue their goals, but it also improves the relationship between the two by promoting and strengthening it.

Taking a line from one of John Donne’s poem, “No man is an island,” reminds us that we are all dependent on others to give us the strength, motivation , endurance, and security to pursue our goals and independence. So, as we approach our holiday celebrating our country’s independence, let us not forget those in our lives who have given and continue to give us the opportunity and freedom to grow and attain our dreams . We should thank them for supporting our natural revolution.

Bowlby, J. (1988). A secure base. New York: Basic Books.

Feeny, B. C. (2007). The dependency paradox in close relationships: Accepting dependence promotes Independence. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 92, 268–285.

Hui, C. M., Molden, D. C., & Finkel, E. J. (2013). Loving freedom: Concerns with promotion or prevention and the role of autonomy in relationship well-being. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 105, 61–85.

Shoba Sreenivasan, Ph.D., and Linda E. Weinberger, Ph.D. , are psychology professors at the Keck School of Medicine at USC.

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College Essay: Becoming Independent

My parents hardly ever agreed with one another. Growing up in a house with four  children caused many complications for us. As children, we wanted to do many different things. Some of us wanted to play sports, while some of us wanted to go exploring, but all of it cost money, and we didn’t have much. We barely went out, and when we did, our parents wouldn’t buy anything for us. We had very little money, so not spending it on unnecessary things like toys, games, candy and even clothes was crucial. All of our clothes were passed down from a sibling, whether it was used or ripped. With little money, and no ability to buy things other than  food, we didn’t have much.

We struggled financially. There were too many bills that couldn’t be paid. Every day another one would come in the mail, saying that our bills were overdue and needed to be paid immediately. There were times when our water was turned off and we had no electricity. One of our cars was even taken away. 

None of my siblings had gone to college because it was too expensive. They didn’t have a job, either, and they couldn’t even drive — they weren’t allowed to. My mom even insisted on going as far as sitting by the road and begging for money. 

My parents then began to talk about getting a divorce. As a 10-year-old, I wasn’t mentally prepared for what was going to be said. My head was somewhere else at that point, wondering if what my parents said was going to happen; they couldn’t be serious. How could one of my parents leave me? Will they still love me? Do they love me? Do they love us? These many thoughts ran through my head.

In a few years, we went from owning a home to having to rent a house. We were lucky to even find a house with four rooms that could be rented, using the little amount of money saved in our accounts for college. My parents didn’t want to take the money, but to make ends meet, taking money from our accounts was the only option.

In my parents’ mind, we could not live on the streets. They left their homeland to find a better life for themselves and for their children. They escaped mass killings and multiple bombings, so they knew enduring a situation like this would not be the end of the world. They wanted their children to grow up strong, and live a good and happy life in the land of opportunities. They wanted their children to experience things that they never had the chance to. They didn’t care about what people would think of them if they saw a whole family of seven on the streets; they just wanted their children to live a happy life. 

A few years later, things began to cool down. I thought I was able to relax and not have to worry about my parents. I soon came to realize that this was not the case. My mom  disappeared for a while. We later found out that my mom was planning for a divorce and was looking for her own place. It was a shock to everyone. My older siblings were furious and upset, saying things like, “Mom left us,” and, “Mom left dad for someone else.” My hands began to form fists; all my muscles began to tense up; my eyes began to fill up with tears, overwhelmed with sadness. I couldn’t believe what was happening. I couldn’t process anything. I couldn’t think straight. I was brought back to my 10-year-old self, with the only thing clear on my mind being, “Why?”

My dad and mom then agreed to have a meeting with the family. We all talked together to clear things up. After accepting that my had mom left, when I saw her again I was filled with rage. Rage that was not able to last long, and soon became a smile and tears going down my face. Hearing that although she did leave us, and didn’t tell us anything, she will always be our mom, she will always love us and will always be here for us. It was complicated and difficult for both of them, but my parents made it work. My parents finally agreed with one another for once. Knowing that made me have hope in both of them. That they could leave the past, filled with sadness and madness, and learn how to move on.

Although my parents worked something out, they were still divorced. As a child, I always took the school bus to school. If I missed the bus, I had to take the city bus on my own. I had to miss many of my school activities. I even had to take time off from school to take care of my younger brother so my older siblings could continue with their education. I had to sacrifice part of my childhood and my education so that my parents would not need to worry.

The divorce caused me to have to grow up quickly. I had to find a stable job for a 15-year-old, learn how to drive a car, pay for my things and help pay for bills – things a normal 15-year-old would not have to do. It was hard and scary, but I was prepared. I was ready for the obstacles that were awaiting me. Such a crushing event that would usually bring people down really brought me up, and pushed me to persevere and believe that I was capable of so much if I put my mind to it. Despite being just 15, I was able to balance two jobs. With the money I earned, I became self-sufficient. I became independent. 

I was working every day to make ends meet, making sure I was on time for work and always worked until the end of the day. On top of all of my new responsibilities, I still had school, so managing my time was a priority. I had to turn in assignments on time and keep my grades up, as well. When I received my paycheck, I helped pay the bills, while also providing for myself. That made me more independent,  learning how to manage my money and not rely on others.

All the struggle I’ve gone through has given me so many new opportunities. It has put me in a position to be comfortable taking new risks, and to learn more about myself and the world around me. It has shown me that it’s never too late to live a happier life, how this is a chance to better understand my parents as individuals, and how this event caused me to become more empathetic.

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What the Declaration and the Constitution Mean to Me Essay

The Declaration of Independence and the US Constitution are the two documents that define this nation more than any other. One stated the causes that prompted the patriots to take up arms against Britain during the Revolutionary War, and the other outlined the carefully balanced government that continues to exist up to this day. It would be no exaggeration to say that the Declaration and the Constitution define what it means to be American. For me, these documents not only embody the core values and base assumptions of this nation but also heavily influence the language in which we speak about the matters of importance.

I understand fairly well that any personal perception of the Declaration or the Constitution, including mine, cannot be objective. As an American citizen, I know that the Continental Congress adopted the Declaration in 1776 to list the “long train of abuses and usurpations” of the British Crown that caused the Revolutionary War (“Declaration of Independence”). I also know that the Constitution was drafted by the Constitutional Convention in 1787 after the Articles of Confederation had proven woefully inadequate. Naturally, I am aware that the Constitution, as the country’s supreme law, relates to me directly. Yet discussing what either of them means for any contemporary American goes far beyond the analysis of the documents themselves, as the Constitution and the Declaration are the cornerstones of American national mythology. This is what makes it more difficult and yet more interesting to reflect on what they mean to me: the contemplation is not about two documents, but about two building blocks of American identity.

As for me, the most meaningful thing about the Declaration of Independence is its adherence to the principle of equality. The first words of its second paragraph are probably the most important ones in the entire document: “We hold these truths to be self-evident that all men are created equal” (“Declaration of Independence”). The gendered language of this preamble will likely appear limiting and discriminatory to a contemporary observer. However, it does not detract from the fact that, when outlining their cause for the world to see, the patriots based it on the assumption of equality and unalienable rights. For me, the Declaration is the manifestation of this wholly American idea: people have rights that no one should be able to take away, and people are equally entitled to these rights.

Yet proclaiming a principle, however noble, is one thing, and implementing it is something else entirely. Throughout more than two centuries of its existence, the US Constitution has gradually approached the idea of equality outlined in the Declaration’s preamble. Step by step, it overcame racial barriers toward social and political rights in the 15 th Amendment and gender barriers – in the 19 th Amendment (“Constitution of the United States”). While the road to equality was by no means easy or straightforward, the Constitution codified the progression on this path. For me, the Constitution is, first and foremost, the necessary complement to the core values of the Declaration: the notions of equality and irrevocable rights. These ideas lie at the core of American identity as I understand and experience it – in no small degree due to these two documents.

There is still much more to the importance of the Declaration or the Constitution – apart from shaping American identity, they also influence how the people speak. Whenever a group seeks to make a case against the perceived violation of its rights, it is likely to mimic the Declaration’s language. The most notable example would be the Declaration of Sentiments signed by the women’s rights convention that took place at Seneca Falls in 1848. The first paragraph repeats that of the Declaration of Independence almost word by word, and the second starts with the premise that “all men and women are created equal” (“Declaration of Sentiments”). I think this is one of the greatest things about the Declaration of Independence: it is so central to American political culture that people inevitably use its wording when discussing important political matters.

The Constitution also influenced the way people talk in the US – and they invoke it much more often than the Declaration. When someone feels their rights and liberties are threatened, they will likely say that the threat is “unconstitutional.” The first ten amendments, collectively known as the Bill of Rights, indeed, outline many liberties, from the freedom of speech to the states’ rights (“Constitution of the United States”). Yet, for me, the habit of labeling perceived injustices as “unconstitutional” is more than merely a legal statement – rather, it is an important unstated assumption about the Constitution. While understanding that no law can be perfect, Americans – me included – still trust their Constitution to be fundamentally just and view it as a main line of defense against the violations of their freedoms.

As one can see, the Declaration of Independence and the US Constitution mean many things for me. On the one hand, they are the cornerstone of American identity and the twofold representation of this nation’s core values: equality and protection of rights. On the other hand, they define the language the people speak – whether in political statements or in everyday discussions of perceived injustice.

“Constitution of the United States.” ConstitutionUS.com , Web.

“Declaration of Independence: A Transcription.” National Archives , 2020, Web.

“Declaration of Sentiments.” National Park Service . 2015, Web.

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IvyPanda . "What the Declaration and the Constitution Mean to Me." February 25, 2022. https://ivypanda.com/essays/what-the-declaration-and-the-constitution-mean-to-me/.

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